Friday, December 31, 2010

seeing the old year out cold...hic!

The whole world and his wife knows
New Year's Eve falls on December 31st.

And it's not just my Mrs who knows
who usually falls just an hour or two later...







(I believe it's called 'last man standing - a round')
...drink, eh? what can I tell you. But I jest; no wife, no kids tonight (or any other night soon, come to think of it). Just 150 policemen, by all accounts - my temporary roommate's mates. At the 'Kamra Pub and Bar', District VIII. Does life get any better? Probably. Anyway, if I don't get to cop the odd feel, at least I can get to feel the odd cop, haha. Only joking.


Cheers to all, and a very Happy New Year!...

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Matthew, Mark, Lucan, John...

"Sorry, he's just popped out,
I'm afraid - but I can put
you on to Brenda"...









- in 1974, Richard Bingham, 7th Earl of Lucan - the notorious 'Lord Lucan', suspected nanny murderer - disappears off the face of the earth, never to be seen again...










"Steering clear of bars and hostels, he's gone to ground between the Gospels." (Bugger me, if it's not the Lord. Not THAT one, of course.)  

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Christmas - a time of conciliation...

Jack and the beans talk -
and talk...and talk...and talk. Eventually,
after hours of heated negotiation,
it's the beans who are forced to climb down...









"thank God for ACAS," sighs Jack...

Monday, December 27, 2010

"Fish, Proud Flesh, Sourness!"

No, I've no idea either, but that's what the sign said. In Nagycsarnok, Budapest's 'Great (covered) Market'.
Straight into my all-time top ten of 'English-as-a-foreign-language' signs/slogans.
I think the motto I spied on a Taiwanese moped many moons ago still claims the much-vaunted number one spot:

"We Reach For The Sky. Neither Does Civilization."

I've still not cracked it...

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Félíz Návíműm ánd Đáđ - nőt łő ménłíőn łhé kíđs...

......................................**********************************
......................................ppychristmashappychristmas
......................................christmashappychristmashap
......................................ristmashappychristmashappy
......................................appychristmashappychristma
......................................istmashappychristmaschristm
......................................ashappychristmashappychrist
......................................ppychristmashappychristmas
......................................ychristmashappychristmasha
......................................hristmashappychristmashapp
......................................mashappychristmashappychr
......................................shappychristmashappychrist
......................................tmashappychristmashappych
......................................pychristmashappychristmash
......................................happychristmashappychristm

......................................**********************************


...happy holly-day greetings from the winter wonderland of 'Buddhapest'? - a destination promising some much needed spiritual nourishment. Or so I'd imagined. (Seems I'm still a martyr to my spelling issues.) Still, as nourishment goes, a ridiculously unbalanced and unvaried diet of goulash soup and mulled wine more than compensates - pretty good comfort food it is, too, to help overcome the embarrassment of the never-to-be-mentioned-again scam (see Dec 16 blog) - all the while happily(?) ensconced in a crumbling Soviet-style apartment in a crumbling Soviet-style apartment block together with a job lot from central casting including a Hungarian detective, a 'communications student' (he did explain - and very generously, too, over a bottle of wine - but I'm none the wiser) and a lesser-spotted French-Canadian wastrel. Lenhossék utca is where you'll find us - slightly to the left of the middle of nowhere. Does life get any better? (Jesus, I bloody hope so). Especially after that never-to-be-mentioned-again you know what.
Oh, happy daze...

the holly wreath...

funny how something
dead and berried somehow helps
bring Christmas to life...










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

"a drop more of the Christmas spirit, vicar?"...

I crept downstairs ever so quietly, and what did I find? -
Granny, no less - feeling The Ghost of Christmas Past's
presence under the tree...





she never could spell





As Harry Hill would say: "which is best? - 'The Ghost of Christmas Past' or 'A Host of Christmas Presents'? - there's only one way to find out!"...

Monday, December 20, 2010

does anyone enjoy coming down within flue?...

narrow chimneys make
Santa claustrophobic - "use
the doors, Santa Claus!"













('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

"give it a shake - maybe it's world peace?"...

"Look! Under the christmas tree!
An enigma wrapped in a
conundrum! .But why?"...







(hey, maybe it's your mum inside - she likes living in the present, haha)









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the chattering classes...

bloody hell, it's cold out -
and I can't even grit my teeth...
(supplies have just about run out,
apparently)









(I'm sure this one must have been done by now, but, hey - it's new to me)

Saturday, December 18, 2010

pen: n. a female swan...

"héck, if thát's yőür implémént
óf chőicé, nő wóndér I cán't réád
yőür blöódy cygnétüré"...



- (The Eureka Moment) -

Laszlo Biro, born Budapest, Hungary, 1899 (if that's his pen name, heaven only knows what his real name was)













- taking the plume out of the nom de plume -

Friday, December 17, 2010

I prefer absence to presents...

my family know exactly what
to give me for Christmas -
a wide berth...


I've certainly dropped enough hints.








(more 'furthest and cheapest' than 'nearest and dearest', that's me - sort of a public service, really)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Gullible's Travels...

No matter how seasoned a traveller you are or how streetwise you kid yourself into thinking yourself to be, you're only ever a momentary lapse away from allowing life to shove a custard pie into your overly smug and well-travelled face. Again.
Today, on the streets of Budapest (well, just the one very wide and very deserted one, to be fair) I was the victim of - I have to say - a brilliantly executed scam involving a fake tourist, a fake policeman and some incredible sleight-of-hand. The 'custard pie' in this particular case was the loss of the best part of 100 pounds sterling in local currency. I don't normally carry such a substantial sum around with me, but a higher force than I had obviously been at work synchronising everything to perfection. Either that, or I'm a complete idiot.
The jury's out - but it shouldn't take them long.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

bugger! a $90 dinner for two - and still it's "no 'afters' for you, big boy"...

how come it's always the girl
who gets taken out, and the man who gets
taken in? or is it me?













'love and marriage'? sure, they go together - like 'a rose and sucker' - and no guessing who the sucker is...(sometimes the whine comes after the meal)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

marriage guidance...

"calling all downtrodden housewives!"...

- when it comes
to standing up for yourself,
a tack....












is the best form of defence...









(especially when placed in the old man's slippers)

Monday, December 13, 2010

once I looked good - now I look good and long...

"Not bad for sixty,"
I told my mirror. Trouble
is, I'm forty-two...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, December 11, 2010

online dating...

We shared a bottle
in cyberspace - and drained the
lot. Virtually...














'all that's left is the dregs,' she thought - looking at my photo...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, December 10, 2010

just desserts?...

woe is me...

...just 5'8",
...just average looks,
...just 3 GCSE's,
...just a middling sportsman,
...just been abroad once,
...just Grade 2 piano,




- and now, as if that wasn't enough...















...just married.





ouch...

Thursday, December 9, 2010

old age - and an age-old problem...

love goes with marriage,
but who says sex-drive goes with
the passage of time?...









- "hey, not me, pal"...(said with a stiff upper lip - well, fairly stiff)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

yeah, I know...

he who knows he knows
nothing knows more than he who
thinks he knows it all...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

it's a mad, mad, mad, mad world....

the best things in life are free -
overdraft facilities,
for example...

- to help pay for all the best things
in life that, well - aren't...









- credit where credit's due - up to £3000, if you smile nicely...

Monday, December 6, 2010

a look into the world of alternative proverbs...

-------- No. 71 --------

"two's company,
three's a monkey"...

---------------------------


(and that's just for a short time)









- to make a monkey is to make £500 - which, strangely enough, is pretty much the sum it takes to make a monkey of the punter...

"good things don't have to come in threes - neither do people." pun intended...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

evangelical tomes? - bugger'em...

there is more inspiration to be found
in a single blade of grass than
from a thousand leaves...














-

Friday, December 3, 2010

crhyme scene...

-
-
-
............................... -- R.I.P.ped to shreds --

CROSS. POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS. POLICE LINE DO NOT

.....................................here lies a body...................................
.............................of work, shot to pieces by.............................
..................................the heartless critics.................................

OLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS. POLICE LINE DO NOT CROSS. D











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, December 2, 2010

where there's a will there's a won't...

*********************************

falling out with my
old man has cost me an arm
and a legacy...

*********************************


(17 Syllables)


************************************************

"Be careful who you fall out with. It may
cost you an arm and a legacy"...

************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 30 and 'Quotes of the Day', Courier & Advertiser, July 31)

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

comes with nails and screws...

I've got myself a
flat-pack wife - she says I've been
the making of her...













more Ikea than I luv 'er - but hey, who's counting?...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, November 29, 2010

the thrill of the chaste...

if your boyfriend tries
it on in bed, make sure you've
taken it off first...













seems Friday night is nightie-night - for some...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

'drinking religiously' takes on a whole new meaning...

I'm a man of the
cloth, me. But the trouble is,
the cloth's Black Velvet...










Black Velvet: great material...for a joke. But preferably at someone else's expense - it's not the cheapest. (Champagne & Guinness)










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, November 27, 2010

"it's a weak day, right?"...

if I live to fight
another day,
I'll pick a fight
with Saturday...











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, November 26, 2010

In Case of Emergency Break Wind

I'll say this about my old man -
He always stands by me in a time of crisis...


More often as not, a little bit too close,
If you get my drift...












...though it's not my drift you have to worry about. He means well, bless him...



(I came across this on my travels in Asia somewhere - the last two letters of 'In Case of Emergency Break Window' had been very neatly deleted. Meanwhile, many moons ago back in England, someone had - again, very, very neatly - turned the last two letters of 'Cowshill' into 't's on a Northumbrian village's signpost. It had me fooled.)

Thursday, November 25, 2010

"look, no hands!"...

OK, so Venus de Milo wasn't exactly legless -
but she still couldn't hold
her drink...








(should have stuck to the Milo...)






('An 'arnless drunk': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

not only are * r * sh eyes not smiling - they've buggered off to drown their sorrows elsewhere...

Britain's efforts to avoid financial meltdown
have undoubtedly been sterling...

Maybe Ireland's problem is that
theirs have been euro.










(perhaps taking a punt on the euro wasn't such a good idea - especially when the punt was Irish)

Monday, November 22, 2010

a common or garden pen-tameter?...

"I write, therefore I am". Bic.























- Bugger. Well almost iambic, anyway...







"da-dum-da-dum-da-dum-doh!"






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Chelsea team news...

So John Terry's gone and trapped a nerve, has he?...
Sounds pretty unlikely to me - he's never displayed
that sort of skill before...













(mind you, it might well have been to replace the one he must have needed plenty of whilst enjoying a well-documented fling with an erstwhile teammate's ex)








- it's a football thing - (see under 'legalised thuggery' and 'the beautiful game')

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

a race against time - or towards it?...

too many people
in too little space
sprint to the finish
of the human race...























- apart from that, it's been a pretty good day...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

The King and I...

"ouch!"...





























The K---ng (without i)













- "must have been Harold, then"...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

love, honour and a baying mother-in-law...

from compatibility...











to combatibility - it doesn't take long...




Marriage: it's a fine line. Talking of which:

THE ROYAL WEDDING - it's already black-eyed-peed somebody off...

"Do you, William, take...

- eat your heart out, will.i.am - for the next few months it's all about will.i.do...

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

'the wait of expectation' - who doesn't find it hard to bear?...

0845 numbers: a ringing (...and ringing...and ringing,...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and ringing...and  ringing and ringing...) endorsement of modern-day business's attitude to customer service?...

(A rhetorical question...and just as well, too, as there's unlikely to be an answer this side of Tuesday)








Press (1) for... Press (2) for... Press (3) for... Press (4) for... Press (5) for:...

- the more pressing the need, the more the need for pressing (or so it seems) -

Sunday, November 14, 2010

"I think, therefore I might be"...

*****************************

There's more to life than
constant frivolity. There's
cheese - and apricots...

*****************************













Rhymes With Serious: now available at www.all one word.com: 'forloversofmorethanjusttoothpaste'...

Saturday, November 13, 2010

"is there honey still for tea?"...

Today is not the day for frivolity. Today is the day Nobel Peace Prize-winning pro-democracy leader Aung San Suu Kyi ('The Lady') has been released from house arrest by the Burmese junta. How long she will remain free this time, God only knows. Or Buddha. She has been detained for 15 of the last 21 years.
I spent some time in Burma/Myanmar many moons ago and fell in love with the place (and got arrested for my troubles). A wonderful people ruled by monsters. Who gives a sh*t? - worldwide, probably not enough souls, sadly. Those lucky enough to have visited the place most certainly always will - it's difficult not to leave behind more than just footprints. I know I did...





Aung San Suu Kyi - the 'Aunsung' hero -

Friday, November 12, 2010

'caveat emptor' - with emphasis on the caveat...

beware tattooists with
designs on under-age clients...
















- unless they're just transfers, of course...

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

'love, honour and a bay window' - is that so much to ask for?...

"a whole bloody day just to make the frigging bed? -
what sort of a husband are you?"...























- "a damned fast joiner, honey - what's next?"...

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

behind every man...

the deep, still waters
of wisdom support many
an empty vessel...










- shouldn't that be 'under' every man, then?...








Still floating after all these years - and long since unsupported...
(better make that 'drifting', then.) Either way, it's a bloody miracle...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, November 8, 2010

when your cha-cha-cha's more ha ha ha...

Bloody dancing lessons. Progress? What progress? -
For weeks now it seems to have been a case of
'one step forward, two steps back'...





























- with my partner screaming "sideways!". Bugger, bugger, bugger...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

needle in a haystack...

Why settle for a girlfriend who's one in a million?



















Not me, pal - no way.














No, siree - I've gone and got myself a Chinese lass...






Well over a billion over there, last I read - 1,330,044,605, to be precise (I just knew there just had to be a soulmate out there somewhere).


And a right canny lass, she is, too: "if I needle, then you prick," she say...
- OK, so she's no Confucius, but she does have a point...as any self-respecting 'needle' would have, of course, haha.

And no (before you ask) she's not Wei Tu Yung, either. And yes, I did say 'one in a billion' - not 'won in a raffle'. I've heard them all before...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

looking after No. 1...

I come from a dysfunctional family -
I prefer my poverty
to be relative...











- any relative, to be honest...

the difficult follow-up hit...

"Take that!" I said. "What
about them?" he asked. Twat. So
I hit him again...










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix - and an old favourite of mine)

Friday, November 5, 2010

one's prowess with the ladies...

---------- GIRLS WHO GO BY ----------

Girls who go by the name of Angelina...
Girls who go by the name of Keira...
Girls who go by the name of Claudia...
Girls who go by the name of Jennifer...
Girls who go by the name of Scarlett...
Girls who go by the name of Gwyneth...
Girls who go by the name of Demi...
Girls who go by the name of Megan...

These are just some of the names of the girls who go by...
















- with ne'er a second glance.









- talk about the thrill of the chaste...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

'not just any sex - S&M* sex'...

No-one can deny that the majority of an S&M dungeon's clientele are amongst the better-off in society...

















- how else can they afford to be strapped for cash (and so regularly, too)...


(*I think that's probably code for Spencer - without the Marks. Too incriminating)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

hardly worth a flutter, then...

I'm often told Northerners love racing pigeons.

















- And I'm always told they've never yet beaten one...

*****************************************************

(I owned a racing pigeon once. The only thing mine ever beat was its wings. And then, only just...)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

the yin and yang of obesity...

is it my imagination,
or is daylight even broader
these days?...











I know I am - so why doesn't it make me any bloody lighter?...

Sunday, October 31, 2010

my girlfriend...

What can I say? - she's nothing less than 'la crème de la crème'...















- well, double 'crème', to be honest - she's really quite thick, bless her...



(better make that "pretty" thick - she'll take it as a compliment)

pity the millipede with one foot in the grave...

just the one? -














this could take a while...

R.I.P, dear centipede...

6 feet under...
















ninety-four on top.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

putting the 'thick' into thick-cut...

----------------------------------
SPELT BREAD - $2:50
----------------------------------













misspelt bred - $1:25






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

just how many cartridges can a bible belt hold?...

if a saint goes to heaven, does a
sinnergo to a
sinnergogue?







buggered if I know -
but it's certainly where (s)he forwards
the odd explosive device, by all accounts...
(the latest terrorist threat, revealed today)




(a '17 Syllables plus' regurgitation)

Friday, October 29, 2010

the English language: nothing if not colourful...

------------------------------------
"TH*S" is a "SH*T" anagram
------------------------------------









- actually, I think it's a pretty good one...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

cold snap (n): winter break...

Ok, whilst it may not be the dictionary definition exactly, that's pretty much what it means to me right now. So I'm off to foreign climes for a bit. For a bit of what, I really don't know - but a man can dream.
Cheers for now...





-------------me-------------
-------------------------------
cccccccccccccccccc







(That's me. Overseas.)





As any self-respecting transvestite would say, "I'm at my happiest when I'm a broad"...

a [sic] joke...

-
-
-
-




"I've not been wel" [sick]










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I love a short joke - the shorter the joke, the wittier it often is, in my opinion. Being able to convey as much as possible in as few words/letters as possible. The ultimate skill. Ditto brushstrokes on canvas. Simplicity. It works best in all walks of life, if you ask me; never mind 'the ultimate skill' - it makes for pretty much the ultimate lifestyle, too.
Just as the definition of an expert is "someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing", so the ultimate joke would, in theory, consist of a solitary letter. The best I've achieved so far is 3 words: "retrievers are fetching", "generalisations never work", etc.
"Whores suck" works pretty well, I suppose, come to think about it. Two sillybles [sic]. Which, apart from maybe offending the more sensitive amongst us, brings us neatly back to the beginning. Hey ho...

Editor's note: "Chelsea" would also work, wouldn't you say? - they're a joke, haha (spoken as an ex-Chelsea fan).

Monday, October 25, 2010

I miss dodgem cars,

but...



















they don't always miss me.











I guess that's the point...

The Bible: now available for only £32.50, p&p incl...

Please note: all prophets from this book shall go to heaven.
















Yeah, right...





Nigeria House, PO Box 783, Lagos, Nigeria. (avoid - religiously)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

It was 'Formula or Bust' (so to speak) - and Formula won...

"Enough of the Breast Milk, Already - Where's the Formula?"...

***********************************************************************

Wow! - to get to the top in Formula One
does it really help to be
driven from the start?...


















"you're joking, right? -
you're not even allowed to be driven
TO the start"...






- in celebration of today's first-ever South Korean GP -

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Friday, October 22, 2010

double entendre or quits (with apologies)...

"I played cards with my girlfriend yesterday"


"Poker?"


"No, we just played cards"...







- quits it is, then -

Thursday, October 21, 2010

UK: a no-dough area?...

if bread is the staff
of life, then life's lucky it
can still afford staff...





(Many can't. Yesterday's draconian spending cuts announced by Chancellor George Osborne offer few crumbs of comfort - whatever side of the breadline you're on)





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

t.a.r.a.m.a.s.a.l.a.t.a - "putting the 'eggs' into egghead"...

"Wow! 6 straight 'A's -
no wonder they call it
brain food"...



6 'A's in a roe, more like - hahahahahaha (oops! six more - must have overdosed)


those who can spell
will get that, others -
well, they'll mullet over...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"humour? - you're joking, right?"...

if laughter is the best medicine,
how come I nearly
died laughing
yesterday?...





- it's a fine line between a man's laughter and manslaughter (or a bloody funny one)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Lonesome Pine

But for whom?...










(not so much a tree, more a hardy perennial - a Laurel and Hardy perennial)


- The Trail of the Lonesome Pine (1913, Harry Carroll/Ballard MacDonald) -

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Breathalyzer Doolittle, Mayfair lady...

"I'll have a route beer, please, pet"

"Shouldn't that be 'root beer', love?"

"No, honey, this one's for the road"...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, October 15, 2010

In the beginning was the Word - then came gang bangs...

Eve somehow sensed that the only man
she had ever truly looked up to
in life had almost certainly
been touched by angels...












inappropriately.







divine intervention - it's a slippery slope...

down to a fine art...

bre.ak.ing up's n..ot
that blo.ody hard to d.o -
my r...dio's g....t .... d......n
...o a f......e ......r..t...



- bit of a DAB hand, you might say...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

conquered...

The winner of this year's World Conker Championships
was stunned...




- "Oops, sorry...that'll be a miss, then," smirked the runner-up.





The World Conker Championships, October 10, 2010. (The loser took it on the chin - the winner on the head)

sorry, wrong number...

"Dammit, woman! It's "to the nines", luv! Not the bloody thirteens or sevens!" (conclusive proof that some odd numbers are odder than others)

when the Mrs wears
a little black number,
why's it always
the wrong one?...





"Cardinal number, my arse. Cardinal sin, more like"...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"does my bum look big in this?"...

should beauty not lie
in the eyes of the beholder,
then the beholder must...







- "of course it doesn't, darling"...


(in the beholder's case, of course, the lie - of necessity - is a white one)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

my gap year...

Last year, I went to India to find myself

































a woman.


Bloody hell, that was a gap. But worth the wait...
Time out for a brief rant:

...when a popular comedian such as Michael McIntyre is 'accused' of being inoffensive, then you know it's time to reach for the bottle - if only to toast an increasingly sick world...

End of rant. Better now...

Monday, October 11, 2010

my last ménage a trois?...

Ah, that must have been
Tuesday evening, when I was last
beside myself
with - Joy, I believe it was...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the Commonwealth Games, contd...

Apparently, the Games' swimming pool's 10metre diving board was found to be .7 of a metre beyond the designated height.





.7 of a metre?...

Bugger me - isn't that almost exactly the height of irresponsibility?...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I've heard of disposable nappies, but...

What's a woman to do?
I keep asking my husband to change the baby,
but he simply refuses...






- says he's rather fond of our current one...

honest, gov.uk...

42% of people questioned admit to deliberately answering surveys incorrectly...








- but I'm pretty sure they're lying...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

'joie de vivre'...

...is that French?







- or Saunders?......(I always get the two confused)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

National Font...

You all know the type -
the type that would much prefer
to be Deutsch Gothic...




- 17 Sillybles -

Friday, October 8, 2010

Exterminational Front...

to some people it's
'ethnic cleansing' - to me it's
'eins, zwei, drei cleaning'...




"Removes 99% of Household Germans"...



- 17 Sillybles -

Thursday, October 7, 2010

"vulgar? moi?"...

Apparently, Manchester United's Federico Macheda has labelled Wayne Rooney "a bit working class and vulgar".


As usual, he's insisting the newspapers misquoted him.



What he actually said was "very"...

National Poetry Day (today)...

Poetry?...

I'm not a huge fan.

Neither am I
a verse.







(prose....................me.................................cons)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

the winter fuel allowance...

whatever fuel my parents do need,
it's not the coal
of coalition...




disgraceful! - over 60, and still dabbling in all-night party politics...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

a guilty pleasure...

Strictly Come Dancing.

Bloody hell, it seems like it's been on for weeks already - but they haven't even got rid of anyone yet.
They're still all there.

Apart from Brucie, of course, who lost it a few years ago...

the Commonwealth Games & Delhi Belly...

Athletics? - yes, it
runs in the family. Sadly,
not that fast...


When it comes to the human race, that's me - right at the back...


****************


Putting the 'Delhi' into 'Delicate'...


No wonder participating athletes call their Foodhall
the Delhi Catessen: getting the runs there could lead to many a medal...

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Striking Soliloquy - by Roger McGough

tu be

or not

tu be...



All the posts in this blog are my own work (as I'm sure you can tell) but if I happen to come across something I really like, I'll include it. This snippet is taken from a little piece Roger McGough has written in relation to the current London Underground (the Tube) strikes. Enjoy. I know I did. That, and the idea of railway lines dreaming of a parallel universe...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

middle-age spread (well, she's no spring chicken)

People say my wife's a bit like marmite...

"What? You mean they either love her or hate her?"




No. She's black...

a doggie doodle (an old faithful of mine)...

- retrievers are fetching -



and so much cheaper than labradoodles...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

the fabric of a law-abiding society...

good material witnesses
are almost never
suede...


- it's about having the courage for others' convictions...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, September 30, 2010

a haiku's brief...

A haiku's brief is
to evoke wonder in three
lines. A haiku's brief.




17 not-quite-so-sillybles...

Sunday, September 26, 2010

the ironic Samaritan...

I found God last week.
He was confused and wandering the streets.


So I took him in.



Just as billions of gullible people have been taken in by him over the years.



It's what I do...

Friday, September 24, 2010

hanging baskets - the case for...

Pity the death row inmate who can appeal only until the bitter end -
a basket, once hung, continues to appeal for weeks.

Respect...

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

social work? - ah, yes, I remember it well...

- the natural world -

a man beating his woman
was as a butterfly
beating its wings...




- or, as someone once never said, "you can't beat nature - but everything else is fair game" -



("he's lovely when he's not drunk")

Monday, September 20, 2010

family trees...

I'm descended from a long line of haiku writers.


Or should
that be three
short lines?...


('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, September 17, 2010

the lean machine*...

My sister tips the scales at 15 stone.
When she tips them a tad more, she's
only 14 stone 8...


(*it's knowing how much to lean, apparently)


- do not attempt this with digital scales -

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

when absence makes the heart grow fonder...

if distance is no
object, then who am I to
object to distance?...



- putting the 'far' into caring far more...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

home sweet home (size 6)

There was an old woman who lived in a shoe -
And, boy, was she happy!...
"You just can't beat'em! -
proper homes with proper heels!"...


(she'd only ever lived in flats before)

Monday, September 13, 2010

modesty becomes me...

So many people I come across look upon me as a perfect stranger.

Flattering, of course, but hard to live up to...



- though it sure beats trying to be a perfect gentleman, which wasn't always easy (I may be a bit of a loner now, but I still believe in maintaining standards)

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Walkers Crisps: fast food? - hardly...

Anyway, I'm not a great fan of fast food -
except for a certain type bean, of course.

The runner...

Saturday, September 11, 2010

unrequited love...

"t'wasn't the rose that
gave me a prick, t'was the prick
that gave me a rose"...


I guess she means me - I should have known she was more of a rocks 'n' chocs sort of girl...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, September 9, 2010

dancing in the street...(with apologies)

figure skating n. ice skating in which the skater traces outlines of selected patterns.

nigure skating n. as above, but on black ice.



ironic, really: a PC's the one place you needn't be...

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

My wife's a rolypolyglot -
that's fat in anyone's language.


Well, in quite a few, anyway...

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

the 70th anniversary of the Blitz...

When he realized how expensive a long war might turn out to be, Hitler thought he'd try to raze some capital. By opting for London, he was indeed asking for it.

And he got what he was asking for. Eventually...

September 7, 1940.

Monday, September 6, 2010

turns out the left hand's the right hand...

I tried my hand at ventriloquy yesterday -
but, boy, was I crap...
"Try the other hand, dummy." Said the dummy.
Bingo!

Friday, September 3, 2010

the passion for travel...

----- A FLIGHT OF FANTASY (now boarding) -----

I like to arrive at airports
with an hour in hand:
it's cheaper than luggage,
and you can pack a lot into it...

(mind you, if you can lay your hands on a case that's been thrown out of court...)