Sunday, October 31, 2010

my girlfriend...

What can I say? - she's nothing less than 'la crème de la crème'...















- well, double 'crème', to be honest - she's really quite thick, bless her...



(better make that "pretty" thick - she'll take it as a compliment)

pity the millipede with one foot in the grave...

just the one? -














this could take a while...

R.I.P, dear centipede...

6 feet under...
















ninety-four on top.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

putting the 'thick' into thick-cut...

----------------------------------
SPELT BREAD - $2:50
----------------------------------













misspelt bred - $1:25






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

just how many cartridges can a bible belt hold?...

if a saint goes to heaven, does a
sinnergo to a
sinnergogue?







buggered if I know -
but it's certainly where (s)he forwards
the odd explosive device, by all accounts...
(the latest terrorist threat, revealed today)




(a '17 Syllables plus' regurgitation)

Friday, October 29, 2010

the English language: nothing if not colourful...

------------------------------------
"TH*S" is a "SH*T" anagram
------------------------------------









- actually, I think it's a pretty good one...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

cold snap (n): winter break...

Ok, whilst it may not be the dictionary definition exactly, that's pretty much what it means to me right now. So I'm off to foreign climes for a bit. For a bit of what, I really don't know - but a man can dream.
Cheers for now...





-------------me-------------
-------------------------------
cccccccccccccccccc







(That's me. Overseas.)





As any self-respecting transvestite would say, "I'm at my happiest when I'm a broad"...

a [sic] joke...

-
-
-
-




"I've not been wel" [sick]










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

I love a short joke - the shorter the joke, the wittier it often is, in my opinion. Being able to convey as much as possible in as few words/letters as possible. The ultimate skill. Ditto brushstrokes on canvas. Simplicity. It works best in all walks of life, if you ask me; never mind 'the ultimate skill' - it makes for pretty much the ultimate lifestyle, too.
Just as the definition of an expert is "someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing", so the ultimate joke would, in theory, consist of a solitary letter. The best I've achieved so far is 3 words: "retrievers are fetching", "generalisations never work", etc.
"Whores suck" works pretty well, I suppose, come to think about it. Two sillybles [sic]. Which, apart from maybe offending the more sensitive amongst us, brings us neatly back to the beginning. Hey ho...

Editor's note: "Chelsea" would also work, wouldn't you say? - they're a joke, haha (spoken as an ex-Chelsea fan).

Monday, October 25, 2010

I miss dodgem cars,

but...



















they don't always miss me.











I guess that's the point...

The Bible: now available for only £32.50, p&p incl...

Please note: all prophets from this book shall go to heaven.
















Yeah, right...





Nigeria House, PO Box 783, Lagos, Nigeria. (avoid - religiously)

Sunday, October 24, 2010

It was 'Formula or Bust' (so to speak) - and Formula won...

"Enough of the Breast Milk, Already - Where's the Formula?"...

***********************************************************************

Wow! - to get to the top in Formula One
does it really help to be
driven from the start?...


















"you're joking, right? -
you're not even allowed to be driven
TO the start"...






- in celebration of today's first-ever South Korean GP -

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Friday, October 22, 2010

double entendre or quits (with apologies)...

"I played cards with my girlfriend yesterday"


"Poker?"


"No, we just played cards"...







- quits it is, then -

Thursday, October 21, 2010

UK: a no-dough area?...

if bread is the staff
of life, then life's lucky it
can still afford staff...





(Many can't. Yesterday's draconian spending cuts announced by Chancellor George Osborne offer few crumbs of comfort - whatever side of the breadline you're on)





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

t.a.r.a.m.a.s.a.l.a.t.a - "putting the 'eggs' into egghead"...

"Wow! 6 straight 'A's -
no wonder they call it
brain food"...



6 'A's in a roe, more like - hahahahahaha (oops! six more - must have overdosed)


those who can spell
will get that, others -
well, they'll mullet over...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

"humour? - you're joking, right?"...

if laughter is the best medicine,
how come I nearly
died laughing
yesterday?...





- it's a fine line between a man's laughter and manslaughter (or a bloody funny one)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, October 18, 2010

The Lonesome Pine

But for whom?...










(not so much a tree, more a hardy perennial - a Laurel and Hardy perennial)


- The Trail of the Lonesome Pine (1913, Harry Carroll/Ballard MacDonald) -

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Breathalyzer Doolittle, Mayfair lady...

"I'll have a route beer, please, pet"

"Shouldn't that be 'root beer', love?"

"No, honey, this one's for the road"...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, October 15, 2010

In the beginning was the Word - then came gang bangs...

Eve somehow sensed that the only man
she had ever truly looked up to
in life had almost certainly
been touched by angels...












inappropriately.







divine intervention - it's a slippery slope...

down to a fine art...

bre.ak.ing up's n..ot
that blo.ody hard to d.o -
my r...dio's g....t .... d......n
...o a f......e ......r..t...



- bit of a DAB hand, you might say...

Thursday, October 14, 2010

conquered...

The winner of this year's World Conker Championships
was stunned...




- "Oops, sorry...that'll be a miss, then," smirked the runner-up.





The World Conker Championships, October 10, 2010. (The loser took it on the chin - the winner on the head)

sorry, wrong number...

"Dammit, woman! It's "to the nines", luv! Not the bloody thirteens or sevens!" (conclusive proof that some odd numbers are odder than others)

when the Mrs wears
a little black number,
why's it always
the wrong one?...





"Cardinal number, my arse. Cardinal sin, more like"...

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

"does my bum look big in this?"...

should beauty not lie
in the eyes of the beholder,
then the beholder must...







- "of course it doesn't, darling"...


(in the beholder's case, of course, the lie - of necessity - is a white one)

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

my gap year...

Last year, I went to India to find myself

































a woman.


Bloody hell, that was a gap. But worth the wait...
Time out for a brief rant:

...when a popular comedian such as Michael McIntyre is 'accused' of being inoffensive, then you know it's time to reach for the bottle - if only to toast an increasingly sick world...

End of rant. Better now...

Monday, October 11, 2010

my last ménage a trois?...

Ah, that must have been
Tuesday evening, when I was last
beside myself
with - Joy, I believe it was...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

the Commonwealth Games, contd...

Apparently, the Games' swimming pool's 10metre diving board was found to be .7 of a metre beyond the designated height.





.7 of a metre?...

Bugger me - isn't that almost exactly the height of irresponsibility?...

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I've heard of disposable nappies, but...

What's a woman to do?
I keep asking my husband to change the baby,
but he simply refuses...






- says he's rather fond of our current one...

honest, gov.uk...

42% of people questioned admit to deliberately answering surveys incorrectly...








- but I'm pretty sure they're lying...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

'joie de vivre'...

...is that French?







- or Saunders?......(I always get the two confused)



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

National Font...

You all know the type -
the type that would much prefer
to be Deutsch Gothic...




- 17 Sillybles -

Friday, October 8, 2010

Exterminational Front...

to some people it's
'ethnic cleansing' - to me it's
'eins, zwei, drei cleaning'...




"Removes 99% of Household Germans"...



- 17 Sillybles -

Thursday, October 7, 2010

"vulgar? moi?"...

Apparently, Manchester United's Federico Macheda has labelled Wayne Rooney "a bit working class and vulgar".


As usual, he's insisting the newspapers misquoted him.



What he actually said was "very"...

National Poetry Day (today)...

Poetry?...

I'm not a huge fan.

Neither am I
a verse.







(prose....................me.................................cons)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

the winter fuel allowance...

whatever fuel my parents do need,
it's not the coal
of coalition...




disgraceful! - over 60, and still dabbling in all-night party politics...

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

a guilty pleasure...

Strictly Come Dancing.

Bloody hell, it seems like it's been on for weeks already - but they haven't even got rid of anyone yet.
They're still all there.

Apart from Brucie, of course, who lost it a few years ago...

the Commonwealth Games & Delhi Belly...

Athletics? - yes, it
runs in the family. Sadly,
not that fast...


When it comes to the human race, that's me - right at the back...


****************


Putting the 'Delhi' into 'Delicate'...


No wonder participating athletes call their Foodhall
the Delhi Catessen: getting the runs there could lead to many a medal...

Monday, October 4, 2010

A Striking Soliloquy - by Roger McGough

tu be

or not

tu be...



All the posts in this blog are my own work (as I'm sure you can tell) but if I happen to come across something I really like, I'll include it. This snippet is taken from a little piece Roger McGough has written in relation to the current London Underground (the Tube) strikes. Enjoy. I know I did. That, and the idea of railway lines dreaming of a parallel universe...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

middle-age spread (well, she's no spring chicken)

People say my wife's a bit like marmite...

"What? You mean they either love her or hate her?"




No. She's black...

a doggie doodle (an old faithful of mine)...

- retrievers are fetching -



and so much cheaper than labradoodles...

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Friday, October 1, 2010

the fabric of a law-abiding society...

good material witnesses
are almost never
suede...


- it's about having the courage for others' convictions...



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)