Thursday, December 22, 2011

Happy Holly Days...

**********************************

"Feliz Navimum
and Dad" - and everyone else
in the family, too...

**********************************










You can't beat The Gambia ("mind you, you're not allowed to beat anyone or anything these days," he added).
This is Kunta Kinteh country. Ah, yes, slaves - now they could be beaten...
Whilst times may have changed, poverty remains pretty much the same. Just minus the chains, fast-food or otherwise.
All of which preamble means it'll be a Black Christmas (as opposed to, um, a white one, I guess) for yours truly (I speak not of the soul).

May your Christmas, too, be filled with with whatever it is you would wish it to be filled with.

"I'll see you ere the year is out...
Of that,I think, there's little doubt".


written in haste (it's what they use here instead of ink)

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Kim Jong-il [sic]

*****************************************

Kim Jong-ded [told you he was sic]

*****************************************
















(that's it with the [sic] Kim Jong jokes)

Monday, December 19, 2011

well, there's always Ruby...

****************************************

if diamonds are a
girl's best friend, do girls who have
opals have no pals?...

****************************************










NEWS FLASH

Kim Jong-il...Kim Jong very-il...Kim Jong-dead.












("She's My Rock. Good As": '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, December 17, 2011

gift ideas well worth sleeping on...

************************************

the mattress: a gift
that keeps on giving - and then
bouncing straight back up...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, December 16, 2011

it is half hot, mum - almost exactly...

***************************

tropics baking? - would
semi-tropical jaunts be
the half-baked option?

***************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, December 12, 2011

rocking an MP's boat...

*******************************

will the predicted
rise in sea-levels mean far
more floating voters?...

*******************************











(Dear reader - posts will be somewhat intermittent for the next few weeks due to circumstances well within my control. Passport and mosquito repellent are in hand.)













('It's Not Just the Pound that's Sinking': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, December 11, 2011

just take it as red, brother...

**********************************

I'm a commun1st.
(This means I see myself as
1st. among equals.)

**********************************

















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

there is no 'us' in b_ _iness...

*****************************

whilst a firm friend is
good company, a firm is
just a company...

*****************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, December 9, 2011

The Titanic: "we're snookered, Capt'n!"...

********************************

"Quick! Put some chalk on
the tip of the iceberg and
cover the damned hole!"...

********************************











- now try sinking something!...












('Cue For (Swan?)Song': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, December 8, 2011

sick humour - veriveri sick humour...

**************************************

"New York, New York, so
good they named it twice." A bit
like beriberi...

**************************************



















('A Tad Fatal': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

losing the thread?...

**********************************

why call into a
nail bar when what you really
want's a screwdriver?...

**********************************










- "a screwdriver? to get hammered? - whatever"...











('Nothing Rhymes With (Vodka and) Orange': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

17 Syllables...

******************************

life's not easy for
st...stutterers, but haiku's
a d...d...doddle...

******************************




















('17 S...S...Sillybles plus' re-mix)

Monday, December 5, 2011

a (marital) home truth?...

*********************************

if a woman's place
is in the kitchen, is the
man's place in the wrong?...

*********************************




















('On the Naughty Step': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I'm into the tall, dark italic type (-face)...

*********************************

there's only one eye
in profile (though the other's
bold italic, too)

*********************************









- they don't call her ol' blue i's for nothing (no, she has to pay them)












('More Lower-case Than Nutcase': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, December 3, 2011

imperfect strangers...

****************************************

"Sorry, I thought you
were someone else" - "I am! How
the heck did you know?"...

****************************************











("yoo-hoo!" - "er, who you?": 17 Syllables)

Friday, December 2, 2011

marriage: behind closed doors...

*************************************

"God! You always have
to have the last word!" - "Sorry."
- "There you go again!"...

*************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, December 1, 2011

an arm and a leg: the heart attaxi fare......

*********************************

Black Cabs take me back
to my youth (and at my age
that's damned expensive!)

*********************************











- strange how they always seem to know the way, though...











('The Knowledge': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

bottom marks...

********************************

I don't think the cane
improved my IQ - but it
sure made my bum smart...

********************************



















('Ouch': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

42-42-42 - but no straight actress, she...

***********************************

Obesity turns
me off - "waist not, want not," I
moan. The wife's distraught...

***********************************










- 'Abstinence': 10 letters, and not one of them French. Does it make the heart grow fonder? My arse...









(17 Syllables)


******************************

(She once had a figure
To everyone's taste,
But now they just snigger
For it's all gone to waist)


******************************

Monday, November 28, 2011

me, Tarzan - you: 'Dr. No', these days...

**********************************

Jane's one of those sex
objects - the more I want sex,
the more she objects...

**********************************



















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

no wonder things are, er, a bit tight...

**********************************

"of course my money's
all tied up - why else would it
be called a trussed fund?"...

**********************************













('Mastercard? I don't even have access': 17 Syllables))

Saturday, November 26, 2011

a healthy diet does bear fruit (even if you - "yuk!" - can't)

********************************

an apple a day
keeps the doctor away - it's
called 'cores and effect'...

********************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, November 25, 2011

17 SillyBillybles...

***********************

polysyllables
are jollysillybles - if
writing a haiku...

***********************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

manners maketh man...

*****************************

no matter how bad
civil wars are, it's good to
know they are civil...

*****************************











as for the current English Rugby Union crisis: it's not so much a farce, more of a '15 - a - Side-Splitting' comedy series - of blunders...







(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

in that case, I'd better drink it (and in that case, too)

****************************

alcoholism? -
to me, it's a case of gin
(and bear it) - weekly...

****************************










- it sure beats the daze of 'wine and roses'...









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

from 'Little Chef' to, er, big chef...

*******************************

just how often does
a Michelin chef end up with
with his own spare tyre?...

*******************************












- beware those 'occupational hazard' road signs...










('From Dipsticks to Breadsticks': 17 Syllables)

Monday, November 21, 2011

multiple personality disorder...

****************************

when things get too bad,
all I have to do is give
myself a group hug...

****************************



















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, November 20, 2011

it's an oxy, moron...

****************************

when it comes to words,
an oxymoron is a
pretty ugly one...

****************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, November 19, 2011

fusion...

*******************************

if music be the
food of love, then I'd kill for
some rhythm and greens...

*******************************











(make that 'con-fusion')









('17 syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, November 18, 2011

"'cos I'm a rebel, me"...

*************************

if my dad told me
never to obey him, I'd
do as I was told...

*************************













------------------- Apropos Of Nothing ----------------------

Those demonstrators outside St Paul's Cathedral:
Very annoying. In tents'ly so.
Avoid them. Religiously...

------------------------------------------------------------------------






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, November 17, 2011

bow jest...

********************************

'chest so broad and hips
so narrow': it's Robin Hood!
(or 'beau and arrow')

********************************

















('Beau Geste': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Final Score: WW 1 - WW 2 --- away win...

***********************************

the FA Cup's a
great leveller - but can't match
the atomic bomb...

***********************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

3 stars in the bedroom, mind...

**************************************

she's a Michelin
chef, my wife - all her food tastes
tastes like bloody rubber...

**************************************











- forget 'Meals on Wheels,' think 'Wheels on Wheels'...









(17 Syllables)

Monday, November 14, 2011

less Soft Cell, more hard sell...

*********************************

"X Factor 'stars' forge
careers!"
(proof that forgery's
a criminal act)

*********************************









- well, an excruciating one, anyway...








(17 Syllables)

Sunday, November 13, 2011

bye-bye, political parties - hello, all-night parties!...

**********************************

Berlusconi's gone!
(Time to downsize and buy a
bunga bungalow?)

**********************************

















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, November 12, 2011

anyone seen the rushes yet?...

****************************

"a dirty film on
the water, you say? - it'll
likely be frogs' porn"...

****************************










not so much a blue movie - more of a mucky green...











('Frogspawn': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Reg and Regina...

*************************

Charles and Camilla
Are ever so wise -
When renting a villa
They go in disguise...

It's 'Mr and Mrs'
(Or 'Reg and Regina')
- Anonymous kisses
In an old Morris Minor.

*************************

















(47 Syllables. Oops!)

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

slaves to fast food...

****************************************

McDonalds, Starbucks,
Subway: much of the Free World's
time's still spent in chains...

****************************************



















('Food & Drink Chains': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

putting off - it's so off-putting..

******************************************

"dad, can you tell me
what 'procrastinate' means?" - "sure,
son, first thing next week"...

******************************************










(hey, he probably needs the time to look it up)









(17 Syllables)

Monday, November 7, 2011

pretty sick humour (he's pretty, I'm sick)

*******************************

hospital's cool! (for
once I'm attached to a drip
who's not my husband)

*******************************











OK, so we're both sick - but, in my case, it's temporary...










(17 Syllables)

Sunday, November 6, 2011

the last supper...

********************************

the worst thing about
the humous starter was the
post-humous main course...

********************************










- it seems you can have too much of good thing...











('Dying Of Hunger':17 Sillybles)

Saturday, November 5, 2011

AC/DC tribute band...

*************************************

we're OCD/C:
when we close a show, we have
to close it six times...

*************************************









- it all started with fridge doors and light switches...









('Obsessive Compulsive Disorder': 17 Syllables)

Friday, November 4, 2011

not to mention his inflated ego...

**************************************

Michelin Man's dress
sense leaves me cold - not at all
my sort of attire...

**************************************










-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
apropos of nothing: there may be many Mr Men, but there's only one Mr Man:

------------------------------- Mr Man United -------------------------------

congratulations, Fergie, on 25 years in the 'Red' hot seat...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------







(17 Syllables)

Thursday, November 3, 2011

too much rough, not enough tumble...

************************************

a golf widow is
someone whose husband is all
"fore!" play and no sex ...

************************************















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

the sound of bow bells...

***********************************

"what does transvestite
karaoke sound like?" - "the
sound of beaux belles, mate"...

***********************************











(what you might call a ringing endorsement, haha)









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

No-one ever Mrs my Mrs. (I've never Mr)

******************************

My wife's the sort of
woman who lights up any
room. When she leaves it.

******************************

















(17 Syllables)

Monday, October 31, 2011

mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest...

**********************************

The camera never
lies. Beauty does - in the eye
of the beholder...

**********************************









- "me, you say? - gee, shucks"...










('Reflections': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, October 30, 2011

a hole in one's argument...

***************************

A good golfer needs
to be consistent. And I
am! - But not always...

***************************









- thus speaks a man who has only once managed to play what he now chooses to call his 'normal game'...








("Fore!" Play: 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 29, 2011

the fruits of one's labour...

***************************

BlackBerry, Orange,
Apple: are they 3 of our
modern 5-a-day?

***************************
















(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 28, 2011

down in the mouth - but whose?...

**************************************

when my dentist gets
depressed, the mouth he likes to
look down in is mine...

**************************************


















('Patients Are A Virtue': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 27, 2011

ever the optimist...

************************************

"The jury's hung!" - "So?"
sighed the defendant, "that still
leaves 'drawn and quartered'"
...

************************************










- whatever happened to 'Hope Springs Eternal'? (as opposed to Alice Springs, Australia)









('Putting The Pun into Punishment': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

hard at work - flaccid at home...

******************************

porn stars: not so much
'office workers' as 'having-
it-office' workers...

******************************















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

working under Mr Smith - and Mr Jones...

********************************

"jeez," sighed the porn star,
"that really was a hard day
at the orifice"...

********************************















(17 Syllables)

Monday, October 24, 2011

it's not (in)conceivable...

*************************************

if 'billets-doux' are
French letters, could they be the
post of post-coital?...

*************************************


















('First-Class Post-Coital': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, October 21, 2011

"boy, is she still hot!"...

************************************

Why's my old flame still
smouldering? - I thought I'd put
her out. With the cat...

************************************







taking a short break, dear follower, back on...

Saturday
Sunday
Monday
Tuesday
Wednesday
Thursday
Friday

see you soon...








(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 20, 2011

detective seeks leads...

**********************************

can coppers' mobiles
be charged on circumstantial
evidence alone?...

**********************************










do convicted mobiles end up being cell phones? - just a thought...








(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

ironically, it's when a career takes off...

****************************

you're not really a
fighter pilot until you've
landed your first punch...

****************************










- those flyweights, eh?...









('Making A Fist Of It: 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

and the bistro on the 2nd floor? - that's another storey altogether...

*****************************

you choose! - try out our
first-floor cafe or have a
soup and roll downstairs!...

*****************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, October 17, 2011

now, where did I leave it?...

**************************************************************

The key to success
is found within (not on) you -
you can't put it down...





















to anyone else, haha...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

scent to sleep...

**************************************

Who needs a bed of
roses? - children? Not those who
go to bed on thyme...

**************************************









not all public school pansies were herbaceous boarders - I was a day-boy (St Pauls)...








('Scent Upstairs': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, October 15, 2011

the definitive "knock-knock" haiku...

*******************************************

"Knock-knock" - "Who's there?" - "A
haik" - "A haik who?" - "Hey, how the
heck did you know that?"...

*******************************************
















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, October 14, 2011

hey, it did what it said on the pin...

****************************

that cameo brooch
I bought the wife - it only
lasted a fortnight...

****************************








that's some cameo - seems a thing of beauty isn't always a joy forever...







(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

are your friendships genuine?...

*******************************

I'm not one to forge
relationships - you can get
done for forgery...

*******************************










(mind you, genuine ones are hard to come by)









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

lifestyle coaches to the stars...

*****************************

the field these guys are
the leaders in "has to be
organic, darling"...


*****************************










- there are 3 types of sod: organic, non-organic - and pretentious...







(17 Syllables)

Monday, October 10, 2011

the truth, the whole truth and...nothing?

*****************************

Sorry, but I know
for a fact there is no God.
He told me Himself...

*****************************
















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 9, 2011

scene of cirme [sic] - [as in 'forren[sic]'?]

**********************************

they knew the suspect
was dyslexic - they could tell
from his NDA...

**********************************










- and, with apologies...





******* STRICTLY COME DANCING *******

Here's hoping Holly
Valance goes all the way! (with
me, after the show)

*************************************************



(I hear she's a bit prickly, haha. And anyway, wouldn't that be 'Strictly Cum Dancing'?)




(17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 8, 2011

seconds out - quids in...

********************************

time is money - in
boxing, though, a couple of
seconds won't cost much...

********************************









- a bit of beer money should do it...








(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 7, 2011

hey, life's too short...

*********************************

absence makes the heart
grow fonder - fonder of those
who are much nearer!...


*********************************










distance no object? - only if you don't object to distance...









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 6, 2011

and the Oscar goes to...

************************************

pity the actor
who's reduced to sweeping the
board at awards do's...

************************************












- hey, it's better than cleaning up afterwards...








(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake - "but not too hard, mind"...

*********************************************

Kids, you can't beat'em.
Though I think they should change that
particular law...

*********************************************










right now, society's in a hell of a state - a nanny one, I think you'd call it ...









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

(I think it's natural) justice...

**********************************

"a platinum blonde
judge? you can't ask for fairer
than that," I whispered...

**********************************


















('A Fair Trial': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 3, 2011

well, it would, wouldn't it...

**********************************

I lost on points last
night shadow-boxing. Mine, it
seems, just shaded it...

**********************************
















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 2, 2011

as in 'The Merchant of..."?

******************************

a vegan may read
Tennyson - but not Bacon,
Lamb (or venison?)

******************************









- Charles Lamb and Francis Bacon: not so much 'red meat' as 'well-read meat'...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

there's no excuse for domestic violence...

***********************************

A true Alpha male
shouldn't ever feel the need
to Beta woman...

***********************************








(I'm away for a few days - see you soon, after a short break)









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

sex drive...

****************************************

"Humps for half a mile,"
read the sign. Wow! So that's how
far 'all the way' is...

****************************************











(well, she did say "go to town" - it was nearer than I thought)











(17 Syllables)

Monday, September 26, 2011

I wouldn't know - and the Vatican't say...

************************************

Murdering the Pope? -
might that be one step up from
a Cardinal sin?...

************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 25, 2011

miniatures...

***********************************

if a picture paints
a thousand words, can a small
one paint a haiku?...

***********************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, September 24, 2011

to the nearest and cheapest - with my nearest and dearest...

****************************************

bloody staycations! -
our damned cash now goes further
than we ever do...

****************************************










- at least I get positively exhausted these days ( I may be spent, but my money's not)









(17 Syllables)

Friday, September 23, 2011

wine, women and - well, more wine...

******************************

I can't hold a note
for the life of me. But, boy,
can I hold a glass!...

******************************










- 'song'?...forget it! (I'm not even sure about the 'women' bit, to be honest)









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 22, 2011

the master baiter...

************************************************

"tell me, within five
years, when Bach was born, boy" - "can't
I tell you now, sir?"...

************************************************

















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

it's a niche markte [sic] [as a prraot?]...

*****************************

out of print, stock...and
order: Merriam-Webster's
first dyslexicon...

*****************************










(less of an A - Z, more of a Q - F)









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

innuendon't! - innuendo - innuendon't! - oh, OK, then...

*******************************

we love kissing and
making up: she never goes
down without a fight...

*******************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, September 19, 2011

a football manager should mind his right back, his left back and his own back...

**************************************

"I'm right behind him,"
avowed the Club Chairman, "how
else can I stab him?"...

**************************************










- When a vote of confidence mean sweet F.A. Appropriate enough, I suppose...








(17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 18, 2011

rye humour? - yeah, sort of...

*****************************

are all bounders who
sow their wild oats cereal
philanderers, then?...

*****************************

















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 17, 2011

"come again?" - and again...and again?...

******************************

safe sex is great, if
you manage to pull it off...
- "um, I think you'll find"...

******************************









(talk about an immaculate misconception)








(17 Syllables)

Friday, September 16, 2011

mimeographs: where are they now?...

Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo,
Roneo...

Wherefore art thou, Roneo?....









My very first "proper job, like" was at the BBC (Circulation Publicity Dept.) and stencil copying/duplicating on the already ancient Roneo machine was one of the many unsought-after responsibilities of yours truly, the up and thrusting (ie: spotty) office junior - now, sadly, as ancient as the Roneo was then. These many years later, if I close my eyes, I can still hear the sound of the old Roneo clanking away. Happy days...

Thursday, September 15, 2011

four foot two, eyes of blue...

****************************************

if a mini-skirt
suits you down to the ground, it's
not a mini-skirt...

****************************************






(if a mini-skirt suits you down to the ground, then it's far too long)








(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Captain Morgan...

****************************

no wonder he ran
a tight ship - the bottle it
was in contained rum...

****************************










"t'was as tight as a newt, and really minute"...








('Ship in a Bottle': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Midsummer Night's Dream - the musical...

**********************************

A Frenchman acting 'Bottom'
In London's something rare -
They all now sing his praises:
'The London Derriere'!...

**********************************



















('The Londonderry Air': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, September 12, 2011

the (ad)vice squad...

************************************

"if it's not on, it's
just not on" - condoms come in
packs, you come in them...

************************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

a patient potato awaits its night out...

*********************************

the potato's in
its jacket, but, dear God, the
salad's still not dressed!...

*********************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, September 10, 2011

down-to-earth with a "sshhhhhh"...

**********************************

some trees shed leaves - it's
autumnatic - so spring comes
as a great releaf...

**********************************
















('17 Syllables' plus re-mix)

Friday, September 9, 2011

er, that's a change of heart, not body...

*************************************

should Transformers who
commit a crime turn themselves
into the police?...

*************************************

















('Robocops': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 8, 2011

making a good fist of lovemaking...

***********************************

I like to keep my
hand in when it comes to sex -
bloody tight fit, though...

***********************************











(well, not always bloody)








(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

"what d'you want, blood diamonds?"...

********************************

"of course they're only
cheap earrings - it was only
a bling & buy sale"...

********************************
















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

tall, dark - and bloody bad-tempered...

********************************

"And lucky I am
to be tall, too" (it hurts less
when I hit the roof)

********************************









- who needs 'handsome', anyway?...









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, September 5, 2011

dumb belles - all brawn, no brains, bless'em...

*********************************

"Gym's great! Running up
bills is no problem now - and
our gym's are quite steep!"...

*********************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, September 4, 2011

if you're going to be late, be pretty late - very pretty late...

***********************************

time and tide wait for
no man - but they might for a
lass who's a looker...

***********************************











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, September 3, 2011

from 'island' to 'wasland'...

************************************

Atlantis is no
more - it was swallowed by the
sea. Atlantisn't?
************************************


















('17 Syllabes plus' re-mix)

Friday, September 2, 2011

'down' as in eider, fed as in 'up'...

****************************

"Kiss my arse," said the
duck. I did. No wonder I
feel down in the mouth...

****************************












('The parson's nose': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

there are fatalities - and very fatalities...

*******************************

Obesity - the
life-cycle: Small...M...L...X
L...XXL...ex

*******************************









did I say 'fatalities'? - better make that 'overweightalities'...political correctness, and all that...









('Reduced to Size': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

economic slooooow-down...

***********************************

my expenses don't
run to swank hotels now...they
crawl - to B & B's...

***********************************














('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

when every day's a "when?"sday...

******************************

our priest's become so
confused, he doesn't even
know what deities...

******************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, August 29, 2011

the 'old boot' sale - (un)sold as seen...

****************************************

I raised 197 pounds at our church's
bring & buy sale yesterday...twice.
(Lifting the Mrs out of the car -
and then back in again...unsold.)

****************************************











- bless her, that's just over 14 stone: she's more of a backbreaker than a heartbreaker, really...










"Sexism - alive and well, and just back from China"...

Sunday, August 28, 2011

good save...

****************************

I've always been a
fan of Kylie, me - what a
great body. Of work...

****************************
















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 27, 2011

from yummy mummy to, er, yummy money...

*************************************

it could be good news
if your wife leaves you (depends
how much she leaves you)

*************************************













"no, son, it's not romance that's dead - it's your mother"...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, August 26, 2011

do unto others...

********************************

he who has the world
at his feet should be careful
not to tread on it...

********************************

















(17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 25, 2011

when 'flat mate' means 'horizontal husband'...

*****************************

lazy husbands try
to get out of everything
(except bed, of course)

*****************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

the prophylactic...

********************************

if you're wanting safe
sex and feel you can't put it
off - then put it on...

********************************




















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

the, er, "no!" of volcano...

*******************************

Bugger! - I tried to
Mount Etna yesterday, but
She wouldn't let me...

*******************************









- damn near blew her top, in fact...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, August 22, 2011

the divorce settlement...

****************************************

Bloody wife! Nothing
but a damned housekeeper. (She's
sure as hell kept mine)

****************************************









me? - all I got was the dog...







(17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Jack the Lad, codebreaker extraordinaire...

*******************************

of course I've got a
moral code - trouble is, it's
dead easy to crack...

*******************************
















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 20, 2011

warning: male nudity (may contain nuts)

*****************************************

'adult content,' warned
the sign...too right! - it sure made
this adult content!...

*****************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, August 19, 2011

army surplus? - barmy surplus, more like...

************************************

if it costs you a
hundred pounds to fill your tank,
change it for a car...

************************************












It's War!: Hit by Shell! - and, er, Esso...









('5-Star General Motors': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 18, 2011

"Houston, we have a problem"...

**************************************

if 'a breadwinner'
brings home the bacon, who the
heck brings home the bread?...

**************************************











(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

welcome to the drug-riddled 21st Century...

****************************

bugger me, if "the
fabric of society"

these days isn't hemp!...

****************************

















('Immaterial Possessions': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

asking for her hand (but not in marriage, exactly)

*********************************

my girlfriend stood me
up again last night - I need
some help when I'm pissed...

*********************************









(she never lets me down - I tend to do that myself)







('The Fall Guy': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, August 15, 2011

'if it's not on, it's just not on' - yeah, right...

******************************

"Safe sex? I wish!" - could
I pull it off? (Or would she
make me keep it on?)

******************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, August 14, 2011

enjoy yourself yesterday? - No, I enjoyed someone else...

*********************************

Did I entertain
a girl in my room last night?
No. We just had sex...

*********************************
















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 13, 2011

the London riots: what price education?...

***********************************************

never mind teaching
your kids right from wrong, 'right from
left' would be a start...

***********************************************












('Education - it ain't just for 'Edmasters': 17 Syllables)

Friday, August 12, 2011

altruistic recidivism...

*******************************

sure, I know that crime
doesn't pay - but I can still
be a volunteer...

*******************************










the wages of sin? what wages? - there are no bloody wages...








(17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

there's a 1,209th time for everything...

*****************************

I've never told a
lie in my life, me - this is
my first one ever...

*****************************









(everyone tells lies - I know I haven't)







('Putting the ill into illogical':17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

lies, damned lies - and love...

*************************************

behind all great men
lies a great woman - through her
teeth: "that was fab, hun!"...

*************************************









(it's different at night, mind - at night they'll lie beneath them)





(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

out of the frying pan...

********************************

"Damn! I've just been kicked
out of the Kennel Club. Now
I'm in the doghouse"...

********************************














(17 Syllables)

Monday, August 8, 2011

Classic FM: the sound of sound asleep...

********************************

when the radio's
all you turn on at night - the
honeymoon's over...

********************************










Hits and Misses: having listened to the Mrs all day, I stick to the hits at night...







('Turn her on? - I can't even turn her over': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 7, 2011

a dress code? - on the Underground?...

**********************************

"Earl's Court, change here for
the Northern Line - that jacket
can go for starters"...

**********************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, August 6, 2011

global warning...

**********************************

Deforestation? -
slow death. A mass-acre...by
acre - and acre...


**********************************

















(17 Syllables plus)

Friday, August 5, 2011

the senryu: a road less travelled...

*********************

a logical path
for a pathological
punster: 3-liners...

*********************














(17 Sillybillybles)

Thursday, August 4, 2011

sex a peel...

*************************************

"cellulite, you say? -
then you'd best stay clear of the
heavy-duty stuff"...

*************************************















('Orange Peel Syndrome': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

the floodgates open, the coffin disappears...

******************************************

"I move people - to
tears...and beyond," said the hearse,
"but very slowly"...

******************************************















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Jacques-of-all-trades...

*********************************

Jack's a sheet metal
worker - in fact, he's sheet at
most things, I'm afraid...

*********************************









- and now it's back to Hong Kong for a couple of days' R&R. And 'an iced vanilla coffee jelly caffe latte' (it takes almost as long to say it as to drink it). I must be getting old - I can remember when a coffee was, well, pretty much a coffee...





(17 Syllables)

Monday, August 1, 2011

ploughing a lonely furrow...

******************************

"sure, I'm a people
person - I've simply not met
the right people yet"...

******************************
















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 31, 2011

I'll save you the trouble...

***********************************

"All good things must come
to an end," they say. Bad things,
too, thank God. The End.

***********************************












(17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 30, 2011

what d'you want, blood?...

*******************************

'Educate, inform,
entertain': that's TV's brief...
(this verse is just brief)

*******************************











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, July 29, 2011

the gentleman's club: 'needs must'...

******************************

"members only," the
loo door said - so I cut mine
off and threw it in...

******************************









- where spending a penny costs, well - more than just an arm and a leg...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

fast food - not...

****************************************************

"I go by the name 'snail,' said the snail,
"and it takes me ages...

- to be absolutely honest,
it takes me ages to go by anything," he sighed...

***************************************************















- "ha!" scoffed the coach that went by the name 'express'. (Did I say 'went'? - I meant 'flew').

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

a bit of rough - and tumble...

*******************************

I fell from grace last
night - well, that's not entirely
true: she pushed me off...

*******************************












('17 Syllables plus re-mix)

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

from a cow...

****************************

Milk can come from goats
or a sheep, but normally
it comes from Macau...

****************************








(a bit of a breakdown on the language front which brought a smile to my face recently. Vincent Hefter, China)






(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 25, 2011

the brass neck of the man (size 16, and counting)...

****************************

"hey, I'm the same size
I was twenty years ago! -
my ties all still fit!"...

****************************















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 24, 2011

and thus it all began...

***************************************

"Food for thought? - that sounds
like a good deal," mused Einstein.
So he thought some more...

***************************************
















('A Fair Swap': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

proof positive (70%, probably)

***********************************

"Sure, you've got a drink
problem - it's just that you're in
denial." - "No, I'm not"...

***********************************









- I'm off to the rice terraces for a couple of days; what passes for normal service might well be resumed upon my return. Cheers for now...




(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

one round too many...

*****************************

whenever I hit
the bottle, why's it me who
ends up on the floor?...

*****************************






- Ed: "stick to beer and avoid the punch, rum or otherwise"...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Pearl's a singer (when she's not, er, 'working')

******************************

Mulligatawny
won't interest Pearl Barley -
but a Scotch broth'll...

******************************









she's always right there, in the thick of it - and now I'm probably in the soup myself, just for admitting to knowing that...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, July 18, 2011

"they're watching me, I tell you!"...

*********************************

"mate, if the night does
have a thousand eyes, quit the
drugs - you're paranoid"...

*********************************















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 17, 2011

putting the 'ad' into triad...

*****************************

for endless Latin
fun, to 'nauseam' and 'hoc'
add infinitum...

*****************************














('Ad Infinitum':'17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

the driving licence...

*************************************

who needs a licence
just to drive someone round the
bend and up the wall?...

*************************************










- Sorry, did I say 'driving'? I meant 'marriage'...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Talk about dodgy satnavs: my wife was trying to drive me
round the bend last night. Ended up driving me up the wall...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 15, 2011

he's pretty benign, by all accounts...

**********************************

don't panic, Mrs -
that lump on your chest: it might
just be your husband.

**********************************








- it so often is...







('I'm more of a 'legs' man, myself': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 14, 2011

knights er, errant?...

*******************************

cross-dressing? - it's been
around since the days of the
knights in white satin...

*******************************











- original song written by The Moody Blues' Justin Hayward. This is the wayward version...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

the job interview...

************************************

"Do as you would be
done by," you say? Great! I like
to be done by 5:00...

************************************









(I'm still waiting to hear)





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

why the ring road? - beats me (hard - if I pay enough)

*************************************************

They've just opened a
spanking new S&M Dungeon on the ring road.
Well, not new, exactly.
Just spanking...

*************************************************

















Not just any sex - S&M sex (with apologies to Marks and Sparks)...hence the, er, 'Marks'?...

Monday, July 11, 2011

no end of a good time...

***************************

Schubert's Unfinished
Symphony is a work that
still gives me endless...

***************************









it does what it says on the tin, I guess...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

there's 'entertainment' - and there's 'do not enter' tainment...

*******************************

Christ, I'm getting old -
I knew that Adult Shop when
it was still a child!...

*******************************

















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

I am bitious!...

******************************

To reach the top as
a chauffeur you have to be
driven. - "But by whom?"...

******************************














- for a long career on the road, try not to career off it - not too often, at least...

Friday, July 8, 2011

a two-course* meal - and on to the casino...

*********************************

when we gamble, we
sure make a meal of it: piles
of chips and large stakes...

*********************************








*(the courses? - Ascot and Lingfield, preferably)






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, July 7, 2011

putting the 'fun' into fungus...

******************************

magic mushrooms are
great! - especially with red
or brown saucery...

******************************

















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

the ongoing economic crisis...

************************************

"who doesn't struggle
putting food on the table
these days?" - "er - waiters?"...

************************************



















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

the set meal - well, not quite set, in the jelly's case...

*****************************

I love mange-tout, but
I couldn't eat a whole one.
I love blancmange-too...

*****************************
















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, July 4, 2011

wearing your art on your sleeve...

*******************************

Picasso's desire
to put his money where his
nose was sure paid off...

*******************************














- in the blink of an ear: from PICASSO (born 1881) to PICA$$000,000 (died 1973).





(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 3, 2011

reincarnation - a man can dream, right?...

**************************************

'what form would I like
to come back in?' - "why, the 6th
at St Trinian's!"...


**************************************














('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, July 2, 2011

terminal...

******************************

dead on time, or dead
on arrival? - one's a crime,
one is survival...

******************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, July 1, 2011

sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll...

********************************

life was a bowl of
cherries in the 60's - and
most of them were stoned...

********************************









- "it sure as hell beat the daze of wine and roses, pal"...






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, June 30, 2011

soul mates...

***********************************

the furthest thing from
my mind's the exosphere - but
I guess you knew that...

***********************************










- what some call 'extrasensory perception', cynics dismiss as 'general knowledge'...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

civil service - top bananas...

*******************************

it doesn't make sense -
why do so many plum jobs
go to mandarins?...

*******************************











- talk about enjoying the fruits of one's labour...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

no wonder criminal records are called rap sheets...

*****************************

rappers? - lock'em up
and throw away whatever
key they're singing in...

*****************************








'records,' my arse - aural pollution, more like...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, June 27, 2011

rhyme-a-line-a-haiku...

1) Life
2) I adore,
3) I cry
4) When I hear
5) Of war.
4) Each tear
3) Asks "why
2) More
1) Strife?".





*********************************

Life I adore, I
cry when I hear of war. Each
tear asks "why more strife?".


*********************************









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I ran - it's what my mum would have wanted...

*************************

He who hesitates
- is probably still alive.
Death is for heroes...

*************************












(Sh*t first, ask questions later. Or answer them, more like - at a court martial.)




(17 syllables)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

boxing clever...

*********************************

if a ring can have
four corners, small wonder a
round can end all square...

*********************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, June 24, 2011

dry trunks all round...

*************************************************

Sarah never left
the woods. Most weekends, though, she'd
stroll down to the beech...

*************************************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

'O' Level, 'A' Level, 'Eye' Level...

**************************************

just one top-shelf mag
can teach you more than the rest
of the shelves combined...

**************************************









- so that's what's meant by 'higher' education?...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Caught on Camera! XXX Haiku - it's HOT!...

-------------------

Pin ( - )

-------------------








- bugger!...









( '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

been there, done that...and that...and that...and that...

*****************************

my work is done, I'm
quite bereft - of the seven
sins, not one is left...

*****************************









- wrath, greed, sloth, pride, envy, gluttony and...lust (but by no means least)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, June 20, 2011

gone, but not forgotten...

********************************

"A thing of beauty
is a joy forever," sighed
the snowflake. Damned fast...

********************************










- so saying, she melted into my arms...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

at home with the chairwoman of the Word Association...

***********************************

"can I get down from
the table, mummy?" - "no, just
from ducks, honeybunch"...

***********************************








"what, the ones that lay the tables, mummy?"...





(17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I L-IQ (very much)

***********************************

we have cerebral
sex - it sure turns me on when
she blows my, er...mind

***********************************












- cerebral blow-jobs: a rose by any other name...





(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 17, 2011

20:20 vision - and I still can't see the joke...

***********************************

"eye say, eye say, eye
say," he began - and his jokes
just got cornea...

***********************************








don't believe me? - try this one for size...

- POOR VISION? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WITH WEAK I'S? -






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

a-tishoo of lies?...

***************************************************

Excuse me, I think
I'm going to sneeze....a.......a..........a..........
Sorry, false a........chooooooooooooooo!

***************************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the last word...

****************************************************************

"Bugger," thought the cannibal, having eaten his wife,
"I should have known she wouldn't agree with me -
she never did".

****************************************************************












Visa obtained, it's back to Mainland China tomorrow, where, just as before, I anticipate problems accessing this site - thanks to China's continued attempts to stifle your actual 'freedom of speech'. (Talk is cheap, all right - but I won't be satisfied till all speech is free, haha).
Future postings, therefore, are likely to be intermittent (and just as politically subversive as today's obviously is?) Time will tell...


Vincent Hefter, Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

cents and sensitivity...

**************************************

I like to deal in
hard cash - but the bus sign said
'tender coins only'...

**************************************








(as spotted at Victoria Peak, Hong Kong)





('The Soft Option': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, June 13, 2011

"hang on, I won't be a 2nd!"...

*************************

seeking ass1st.ance
is just another way of
asking for first aid...

*************************













('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Letters out of order? I guess so. Behaviour? maybe*...

****************************

'wine, women and snog?'
- yep, one of dyslexia's
great advantages...

****************************








*just a touch, perhaps - but a consensual one...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix - on the day of Hong Kong's first typhoon warning of the season. Don't get too many of those in London-upon-Thames (I'm in HK on a visa run.)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

a dromedary in the dormitory...

*****************************************

"Men! They're animals
in bed!" (Camels, right? - one hump,
and it's all over)


*****************************************









- all over what, I dread to think...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, June 10, 2011

she's as pretty as a picture - and cheaper!...

****************************************

bugger the 'art' of
seduction - friendships, well-forged,
are worth even more...

****************************************









Rogues Gallery (no smirking): their conquests may be as pretty as a picture, but it's they who are well-hung...





(17 Syllables)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

alive and kicking - and kicking and kicking...

*************************************

he tried so hard to
kick the bucket, missed it thrice
and muttered "f*ck it!"...

*************************************








if at first you don't succeed - eat some cheese (it's what you are good at)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It isn't just Lady Gaga who's big in the States...

*****************************************************

There's a truly massive American community
in this part of the world.

Just the three men and two women, of course.

But, boy, are they massive...

*****************************************************











Racism and Fattism - talk about killing two birds with (at least) one stone overweight...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the one that got away...

**********************************

Carpe deum - "seize
the day"
. Troute deum - "grab
the other fish, mate"...

**********************************










- talking of 'dropped catch of the day', how about this selection from the menu of yesterday evening's eating establishment of choice in Yangshuo:

Bad cabbage fleshy foam,
Sydney pig live soup,
Peanut you should try soup,
Colocasia esculenta schott fleshy foam,
Element face,
Manual dumplings...


I settled for the eggplant and garlic claypot dish, and bloody good it was, too...





(17 syllables, 3 lines, 4 flies)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

from 'Masterchef' to 'Fasterchef' (hey, needs must)

***************************************

"cooking doesn't get
tougher than this,"
I mused - then
the microwave pinged...

***************************************











This blogging business is a bit of a lottery in China. Officially, the blogger.com site has been blocked. Unofficially, there are ways and means of circumventing these continued attempts to stifle freedom of speech. But fingers tend to remain firmly crossed when attempting to access the site (which doesn't exactly help with the typing).
Right now, for whatever the reason, the site is 'down' as often as it's up and running.
Who knew that 'menstrualcycleclips.blogspot.com' was so politically subversive?

Don't get me started. There's a time and place, and maybe this isn't it.

(Cue silent rant...)



(17 syllables)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

he only took a few minutes (not ours)

*********************************

a caring burglar
will take his time - for taking
yours would be a crime...

*********************************











I tend to refer to myself over here as 'the stupid old Englishman'. "But you're not old," someone is always quick to reassure me.
It would be nice if, just the once, someone said "but you're not stupid".
Quite hurtful, the Chinese...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, June 3, 2011

the alimentary canal? - isn't that somewhere near Panama?...

******************************************

"Passing ships in the
night?" you say. Good God, man, no
wonder you've got piles...

******************************************










It transpires that my Chinese friend's Cafe/'Hostel' (4 rooms) has never registered itself with the authorities. All hell broke loose when I applied for my visa extension and it turned out that, as a result of this flouting of the regulations, I wasn't registered either. Big trouble for the Cafe/'Hostel', I feared. Indeed, my friend tells how she was made to take a seat in the middle of a room to be interrogated by a dozen or so Public Security Bureau officials positioned - for reasons known only to themselves - in a circle around her. All a bit OTT. But then just as suddenly, the situation seems to have been resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Best not to ask, I guess.
Resolved to everyone's satisfaction bar mine, that is. It looks like I might have to do a visa run to Hong Kong as a result. Bit of a pain in the backside, to say the least.





(17 Syllables)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Billy No-Mates, that's me...

******************************************

I rang the Lonely
Hearts Club once. "Sorry," they said,
"we're not that lonely"...

******************************************













(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

lazy is as lazy does...

*********************************

Some folk run a mile
from the very word 'gym'. Not
me. I take the bus...

*********************************








(the only thing I'd exercise in the gym would be my right to do bugger all)





(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

for the love of loud jewellery...

********************************

I love brass bands - I
always wear one on my ring
finger. Who needs gold?...

********************************











What's not to love about Chinglish? - To add to the never-to-be-forgotten 'Wankelong Supermarket' (with obligatory piped music to wankelong to), a bus company here goes - very slowly - by the name of 'King Long' (as in 'every bloody journey's so ***king long') whilst a rival supermarket rejoices in the name of 'Yu Rong' (an emporium where the customer's not always right, apparently). You couldn't make it up. Well - you probably could. But I didn't ... Vincent Hefter, Guangxi Province, China.



(17 Syllables)

Monday, May 30, 2011

The Baker's Round

**************************

...and so would you be
if you ate as many of
his buns as he does...

**************************







- doh!...(or should that be 'dough!'?)





(17 rather sillybles)

Sunday, May 29, 2011

saddled with a sister - for life...

*****************************************

an identical
twin's life-cycle? - what else could it
be but a tandem?...

*****************************************









Free Breakfast with Every Coffee (that's what it says on the Guilin coffeeshop menu - talk about 'arse about face'): it's the two Chinas - whilst the hoi polloi purchase tuppenny-ha'penny dumplings in the street to start their day, the nouveau riche frequent expensive coffeeshops where just one drink can cost a local peasant's daily earnings, and the food? - well, it's thrown in for free.
Not my sort of place, really - I just happen to know an employee there...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, May 28, 2011

role reversal - that's a good thing, right?

******************************

"Look! A right pair of
ornithologists," whispered
a couple of tits...

******************************









Seen on a Guilin menu yesterday: 'Crashed Pork with Corn Rice'. - Might that just be Chinese for 'Roadkill'?...





(17 Syllables)

Friday, May 27, 2011

because voices in their cornflakes tell them to?...

********************************

one in six Britons
suffer from mental illness -
the rest enjoy it...

********************************












Vincent Hefter, Guihua Lu, Yangshuo - not far from Embroidered Emerald and Anti-Invasion Roads (true). Sure makes good old 'Sheen Lane' seem pretty dull...


(17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 26, 2011

it doesn't half exercise the Mrs, mind (when she finds out)

*****************************

all I exercised
in the gym today was my
right to do sod all...

*****************************







- hey, if the marriage isn't working out, why should I?...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

Yangshuo Landscape College for Foreign Language...

****************************

it's so easy as
ABC: I am teaching
now English since years...

****************************





-------------------- 'Everything is but a floating cloud, coffee is still a force' --------------------------

The above is a sign I rode past today on my 'hell of a state' (of-the-art) Chinese rent-a-bike in the magnificent Guangxi countryside. I detect a certain college's influence in the wording...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

scholars earn dollars, the dense cents...

**********************************************

"a penny for your
thoughts?"
I asked the blonde - boy, did
she get a good deal...

**********************************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, May 23, 2011

the vegetable patch - it's spreading...

*********************************

The leek took a pee,
the pea took a leak. And the
tap went drip, drip, drip...

*********************************









(but the cabbage had already bean)






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

talk about making a meal of things...

*******************************

the best thing my wife
makes in the kitchen is my
day when she leaves it...

*******************************










- staying in: it's the new eating out - out of packets, that is...






(17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 21, 2011

well, it sure ain't the six-pack...

**************************

my girlfriend tells me
I'm a bit of a hunk - but
won't tell me which bit...

**************************







- "a prick, perchance?" came the cry...






(17 Syllables)

Friday, May 20, 2011

a somewhat unexpected side effect...

************************

our vicar, who took
viagra - religiously -
is now a rector...

************************








- behold, he is risen. Small 'h'...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, May 19, 2011

"now look me in the face and say that" - and he did...

******************************************************************

It's not only beauty
that lies in the eye of the beholder.
My bloody husband does, too - through his damned teeth.
No beauty, he...

******************************************************************










sure, the truth hurts - but lies hurt more...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

lost in translation: China, May 18...

***************************************

jelly, coffee and
string? - not quite what I meant by
a three-bean salad...

***************************************








- guess I should have stuck with the dumplings - or that good old standby, the Green BaoZai Fan blasting fatty intestine...





(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

someone's got to do it...

******************************************************

"You do nothing?" I enquired, quite impressed -
"And for hour after hour!" said my guest,
"It can take 3 or 4,
Perhaps even more,
For it's hard when I'm not at my best"...

******************************************************













- indeed, over the years, he had sought out some of the world's most interesting locations in which to do - well, nothing, really. And not always on his own. He had truly got it down to a fine art ...

Monday, May 16, 2011

sex and the settee...

*******************************

these days, the best part
of the night rarely lasts the
best part of the night...

*******************************









- Million Dollar Man? - sadly, it's more a case of Waning Powers than Austin Powers...











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, May 15, 2011

it's that old anthropomorphic vanity thing...

******************************************

"good point, well made," I
smiled - boy, how pencil sharpeners
thrive on compliments!"...

******************************************












(17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 14, 2011

no reason...

**************************

"Me? - No, I'm not the
inquisitive type - not at
all. Why do you ask?"...

**************************












('Game, Set & Match': 17 Syllables)

Friday, May 13, 2011

a non-rhyming 'England, centre of the uni' verse...

***************************************************

Some parts of China used to hate foreigners,
maybe still do -
but what did I care?...
I wasn't a foreigner - I was English.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Still am, in fact. Still travelling, too.

***************************************************








(travel light - leave your brain at home)





Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Yangshuo, China

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

blank verse...

*********************************

reading between the
lines, this has to be one of
my finest couplets...

*********************************










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

it does what it says on the tin...

*********************

opening my tin
of evaporated milk,
I found that it had...

*********************










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

----------------------------------------------------------

"Nothing is more beautiful than a woman in a cheongsam. Except perhaps a woman stepping out of one"...

Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Cheung Chau Bun Festival (101 things you can do with a bun on one of Hong Kong's outlying islands - happily, "eating one" scraped in at No 93, so I had 2). I think it was that way round.

----------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, May 7, 2011

a lady of easy virtue...

*****************************

my girlfriend's got a
very strange gait - luckily,
it's always open...

*****************************






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)


------------------------------------------------------

'Thank you for choosing City Flyer route A21 "bounding for Hung Hom Station in Kowloon,"' read the airport bus sign; (a destination soon to be known as 'Well Hung Hom Station', after a recent lick of paint). Good to be back in the madness that is Hong Kong - whatever you think of it, it has to be one of the world's greatest urban landscapes. In fact, I gather it's now a legal requirement to 'sign in' on arrival by taking the Star Ferry across Victoria Harbour just to see it in all its dazzling nighttime stunningnicity. Landscape, seascape, whatever...

With just a little bit more bounding, it was on to the good old Man Hing Lung doss-house for a surprisingly warm welcome, a complimentary beer and saturation coverage of the 7th Annual Cross-Straits Conference on Economy and Trade. Easy, tiger...

------------------------------------------------------

Friday, May 6, 2011

the seven ages of man (well, this man, anyway)

*********************************

my wife was on the
phone this morning and I had
to wait ages and...

ages...and ages...
and ages...and ages...and
ages...and ages...

********************************







(I was lucky to get away with seven, to be honest)





(a 17 Syllable double)

Thursday, May 5, 2011

blood's dangerously low IQ count...

****************************

as blood is thicker
than water, it's probably
got no idea why...

****************************













('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)