Monday, January 31, 2011

old school ties? - great for securing ankles and wrists...

School was torture - no,
it really was. It was a
waterboarding school...




(and I'm not talking
waterbeds here, though I might
well have wet myself)






(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 30, 2011

flying saucers...

the nearest my wife
comes to cooking is making
me duck. "Missed again!"...





(she's got a hell of
a tempura, too - but it's
me who gets battered)







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, January 29, 2011

"showtime!" - it always gets me going...

the curtains part, the
organ rises. I just hope
no-one notices...







talk about a Pavlovian reaction...




(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 28, 2011

feminism (parts 1 & 2)

my wife's a feminist, and likes to be taken seriously -
so when I took her last night,
I did so very seriously...





**************************************************





whilst feminists want to be taken seriously,
working girls just want to be taken -
seriously...


-

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Escape from Alcatr...

(typical - he never finishes his sentences)













- just as well, as he'd been given a long one this time...

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

the theatre of war - now sewing:...

the surgeon was all
in, the bullet out, then out
came the bulletin...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

neither a barrel - of laughs...

you two carry on
shooting the breeze - I'm off to
fetch my air rifle...







- nor gales of laughter. Just the merest of breezes...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, January 24, 2011

the power & the glory: "bring it on!"...

obscurity was
the dream - but the time comes when
you have to move on...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sits Vac (& thinks of England)

soft of bosom
and hard of heart,
it ain't so hard
to play the tart...











"courtesans suck" - not so much a judgement, more a job description...

Saturday, January 22, 2011

a vein by any other name (the thin blue line)

COP PORN: 'sometimes the
cops come after you - sometimes
they come before you'...






- and no, they don't always ask you to 'come quietly, please'...




'Picture house'? -'Sinema', more like it (and yes, I think more do like it). Seems not all PC's are PC. Pop corn, anyone?...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, January 21, 2011

time-and-a-half travel...

bloody unions - in thirty years' time,
bank holiday and weekend time travel was finally banned
due to workers' excessive wage demands -
(don't ask me how I know)








(mind you, I don't find out till last March - I wish I'd known earlier, like)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

********************************************************************************

Heard on the radio today: "Jean Simmons had a longevity many other
actresses would have died for"
...

********************************************************************************

Thursday, January 20, 2011

mutuality, a love story...

As fingers move and
touch, so too do the words. Braille,
it's reciprocal...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

I'm more waning powers than Austin Powers these days...

just as heart and soul go
together, so, too, can eyesight
and hearing, dammit -
the clock's ticking...











(17 syllable version)

just as heart and soul
go together, so, too, can
eyesight and hearing...


('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

honour amongst thieves...

I tell you what, John's
never lacked the courage of his convictions.

All thirteen of them...










(17 syllable version)

I tell you what, John's
never lacked the courage of
his (12) convictions...

Monday, January 17, 2011

blank verse...

reading between the
lines, I think this is one of
my finest couplets...










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, January 14, 2011

alcoholics synonymous...

For a while there, I thought I was
leaving my mark on the world.
Turns out it's a stain.









we're talking two relatively short sentences here (and neither reduced for good behaviour) - ironic, or what?...




mark? stain? - the wages of synonyms, and all that...

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

a humerus haiku...

bugger, I've just gone
and grazed my funny bone - is
laughter infectious?...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

more than just motorway madness...

It was 'hither and thither,
till I wither and die'...


When, all of a dither,
I just stopped. With a "WHY?"...






(from 'stations of the cross' to 'service stations for the cross' ; progress - in the blink of a cat's eye)






not for nothing are we called the human 'race' - me? give me a peaceful life-cycle in the countryside any day of the week (so to speak) - single or tandem...

Monday, January 10, 2011

the green activist...

I do nothing to
save energy - I've saved loads
today already!...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, January 8, 2011

a square, square, square, square meal...

scrabbled eggs on a triple word score
are so much more rewarding
than on toast...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, January 7, 2011

that dreaded brain cell-by date...

Alzheimer's? - it's just
life declining to renew
your remembership...










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

some sort of a nut (that's short for 'nutritionist')

a dietician recently told me that I really ought to take the vast majority
of the Daily Mail's seemingly never-ending pieces of dietary advice
with a huge pinch of salt...




- some dietician, she; what was she trying to do? kill me?..










- anyway, I'm more than aware of the recommended daily amount for paranoids, thank you very much; she'll have to try a bit harder than that...

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Gypsy Fred Lee, Ltd (ever more so, it seems)

"help! does anyone have any idea
how the heck a clairvoyant with 2020 vision
is meant to support himself
in 2021?"...












- we've all been told nostalgia's not what it used to be; well, clairvoyance is absolutely nothing like it's going to be, either - I just know, OK?...

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

it's a jungle out there - but the blades aren't grass...

yeah, living in the ghetto's tough, all right...
sure, most of us are flourishing -
but what we're flourishing's
usually a weapon...











-

Monday, January 3, 2011

Sunday, January 2, 2011

oneupman-sh*t...

Bloody hell, just look at all those
David Beckham tattoos!

Tw*t.



Shouldn't footballers make do with transfers?...








-

Saturday, January 1, 2011

"if on the 1st you don't succeed, s*d it"...

"I always Knew Years'
Resolutions to give up
on puns never worked"...











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)