Monday, February 28, 2011

nil by mouth...

**********************************

Bert had asked for 'two
portions of fish' - so they gave
him a double bass...

**********************************






- do stop playing with your food, Bert...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, February 27, 2011

our nearest and dearest? - they're in the furthest and cheapest...

-----------------------------------------------------

cash flow problems? - not
for those (so-called) care homes that
get paid by the weak...

-----------------------------------------------------








- no more than 'don't-give-a-toss homes', some of them (or they were, when I was a social worker back in the day)




(17 Syllables)

Saturday, February 26, 2011

soccer academies: passing balls, failing exams?...

lateral thinkers? -
many forwards can't even
think inside the box...








(mind you, they do tend to finish games, even if they're not much good at reading them - which, by her own admission, is more than Posh Spice does with books)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, February 25, 2011

now you see him, now you don't...

pity the gay agoraphobic -

********************************
no sooner had he
come out, than he had to go
straight back in again...

********************************









(make that 'directly back in')

Thursday, February 24, 2011

do the answers lie? - well, the questions seem to...

-----------------------------------------------------

Do the answers lie
iN One's questions? Wow, they do!
Hey, wait a minute...

-----------------------------------------------------










('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

stuck for an answer...

------------------------------------------------

"I haven't a glue,"
said Sherlock Holmes to Watson.
So he used solvent...

------------------------------------------------












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

rhythm and greens: "music to my stomach"...

---------------------------------------

Simply delicious,
Heston? - No. Remarkably
complicatedly!...


---------------------------------------








Heston Blumenthal cuisine: putting the 'fusion' into 'confusion'...




(17 Syllables)

Monday, February 21, 2011

"hi!" (that's me - on the right)

-----------------------------------

'i' was the small, dark
and italic type that went
after 'h' - not girls...

-----------------------------------








(The Alpha(bet) Male: '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, February 20, 2011

but Jesus, how he tried...

------------------------------------------------

my brother lost his
voice last night - how long it would
last, he couldn't say...

------------------------------------------------








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, February 19, 2011

death throes...

------------------------------------

In The States, they love
their beef jerky. Me? I like
to wait a few hours...

------------------------------------












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, February 18, 2011

Hickory Dickory Dock: Bugger, where's it gone?...

---------------------------------------------------

The rescuers searched
round the clock. Nowhere else. Just
round the clock. Damned mouse...

---------------------------------------------------






Lost in Time: a narrow squeak. So to speak...




(17 Syllables)

Thursday, February 17, 2011

he doesn't aim to please - he just aims...

---------------------------------

throw the book at a
bad librarian, and he'll
throw a hundred back...

---------------------------------









- the only man I know who can be in two places at the same time - behind his desk and on the shelf (under 'tosser', if you want to take him out - appropriate, I'd say)...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

well-read red tops and the unred topless...

----------------------------------------------------

why are the broadsheets
called broadsheets? - it's the tabloids
who've got all the broads...

----------------------------------------------------








- "don't call me a broad," says ex-Big Brother brainbox and Page 3 beauty Miss Ogynist, 23, from Essex, "I've never been there once" (she may not be well-read, but her words certainly are)



(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

wrap songs...

--------------------------------------------------

"Sid's a great wrapper!" -
"don't you mean 'rapper'?" - "nah, he
only does covers"...

--------------------------------------------------











('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, February 14, 2011

thanks a bunch...

---------------------------------------------------

'say it with flowers'? - at
less than three quid for twelve, 'talk
is cheap' at Tesco...

---------------------------------------------------





- whatever else works, a discount dozen dozen't...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

one happy liner - or a happy one-liner?...

***************************************************************


a jolly happy crew's the recipe for a jolly happy cruise...


a jolly happy
crew's the recipe for a
jolly happy cruise...


(17 Syllables)

***************************************************************


there's nothing worse than
enforced jollity - except
perhaps syphilis...


(another 17 Syllables - completely unrelated. not)

********************************************************

Saturday, February 12, 2011

plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose...

----------------------------------------------------------------

My brother was the sort of guy who'd run a mile
at the merest hint of the word ' commitment'.
Things soon changed when he came into money, though -
he grabs the nearest taxi now...

----------------------------------------------------------------









- better 'the metre' than 'meet her'...

Friday, February 11, 2011

bags of time - and all perforated...

******** 'TEA-TIME' by Vincent Hefter, age unknown ********

----------------------------if time is money,
---------------------------is 1:50 enough for
---------------------------a nice cup of tea?...

*******************************************************************







- "am, pm or Assam, pray?"...




(17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, February 10, 2011

the belle of the ball - and chain...

"it's my wedding, and
I'll cry if I want to - and
I'm having a bawl"...








('not all love stories end happily - some of them end in marriage,' as they say)





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

gentlemen prefer blondes (intelligentlemen don't)

peroxymorons? -
I guess they're the preserve of
the pretty ugly...






- so very thin, so very thick: a contradiction in perms - you know the type...





(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

"a fish'll do," you say? - I'll dress up, then...

"would Sir like red or
green Thai curry?" - "black Thai, please -
it's a formal do"...








('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

********************************************

"Tonight, my love, it's steak done rare,"
The lady Mayoress told the Mayor -
"Alas," he sighed, "official do".
"OK," she smiled, "it's cod for two"...

********************************************

Monday, February 7, 2011

how to kick anything if you're legless? (let alone the habit)

an optimistic
alcoholic sees the glass
as half-full - briefly...






(hey, it takes a lot of bottle(s) to reach out for help - rather than the glass)






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, February 6, 2011

flaccid rain...

the breeze was indeed
a little stiff - but hey, the
rain wasn't that hard...












('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Trafalgar Square, New Year's Eve: pretty face, plain clothes - "bugger!"...

I just wanted to
cop a feel - but I ended
up feeling a cop...













(17 Syllables: a short enough sentence. And suspended, too, thankfully).

Friday, February 4, 2011

they come in green - and leave in haste...

'Combat Jackets - Cheap!'
(at the first sign of trouble
all the colours run)







taking the dye out of 'Die Hard' - not to mention the p***, so to speak...




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, February 3, 2011

enjoy yourself last night? - sure did, no-one else to enjoy...

a loner? me? I prefer the term
'socialite' - with emphasis
on the 'lite', of course...












Check out the 'His & Hermit' towels (well, just 'His', to be honest - hers is long gone). Great for keeping the humour dry...

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

silence of the lambs...

"the lamb sounds good," the
waitress insisted - me, I
hadn't heard a thing...








****************************************

"you remind me of
lamb, well-cooked,"
said the waitress
to the baa, tender...

****************************************



('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

parting (with cash?) is such sweet sorrow...

instalment plans: when
life is just a series of
long, drawn-out good buys...








(if not fully satisfied, return this verse within 14 days for a complete no-quibble refund)




('17 Syllables' plus)