Thursday, June 30, 2011

soul mates...

***********************************

the furthest thing from
my mind's the exosphere - but
I guess you knew that...

***********************************










- what some call 'extrasensory perception', cynics dismiss as 'general knowledge'...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

civil service - top bananas...

*******************************

it doesn't make sense -
why do so many plum jobs
go to mandarins?...

*******************************











- talk about enjoying the fruits of one's labour...







('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

no wonder criminal records are called rap sheets...

*****************************

rappers? - lock'em up
and throw away whatever
key they're singing in...

*****************************








'records,' my arse - aural pollution, more like...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, June 27, 2011

rhyme-a-line-a-haiku...

1) Life
2) I adore,
3) I cry
4) When I hear
5) Of war.
4) Each tear
3) Asks "why
2) More
1) Strife?".





*********************************

Life I adore, I
cry when I hear of war. Each
tear asks "why more strife?".


*********************************









('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, June 26, 2011

I ran - it's what my mum would have wanted...

*************************

He who hesitates
- is probably still alive.
Death is for heroes...

*************************












(Sh*t first, ask questions later. Or answer them, more like - at a court martial.)




(17 syllables)

Saturday, June 25, 2011

boxing clever...

*********************************

if a ring can have
four corners, small wonder a
round can end all square...

*********************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, June 24, 2011

dry trunks all round...

*************************************************

Sarah never left
the woods. Most weekends, though, she'd
stroll down to the beech...

*************************************************















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, June 23, 2011

'O' Level, 'A' Level, 'Eye' Level...

**************************************

just one top-shelf mag
can teach you more than the rest
of the shelves combined...

**************************************









- so that's what's meant by 'higher' education?...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Caught on Camera! XXX Haiku - it's HOT!...

-------------------

Pin ( - )

-------------------








- bugger!...









( '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

been there, done that...and that...and that...and that...

*****************************

my work is done, I'm
quite bereft - of the seven
sins, not one is left...

*****************************









- wrath, greed, sloth, pride, envy, gluttony and...lust (but by no means least)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, June 20, 2011

gone, but not forgotten...

********************************

"A thing of beauty
is a joy forever," sighed
the snowflake. Damned fast...

********************************










- so saying, she melted into my arms...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

at home with the chairwoman of the Word Association...

***********************************

"can I get down from
the table, mummy?" - "no, just
from ducks, honeybunch"...

***********************************








"what, the ones that lay the tables, mummy?"...





(17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 18, 2011

I L-IQ (very much)

***********************************

we have cerebral
sex - it sure turns me on when
she blows my, er...mind

***********************************












- cerebral blow-jobs: a rose by any other name...





(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 17, 2011

20:20 vision - and I still can't see the joke...

***********************************

"eye say, eye say, eye
say," he began - and his jokes
just got cornea...

***********************************






don't believe me? - try this one for size...


- POOR VISION? WHAT DO YOU EXPECT WITH WEAK 'I'S? -






('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, June 16, 2011

a-tishoo of lies?...

***************************************************

Excuse me, I think
I'm going to sneeze....a.......a..........a..........
Sorry, false a........chooooooooooooooo!

***************************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

the last word...

****************************************************************

"Bugger," thought the cannibal, having eaten his wife,
"I should have known she wouldn't agree with me -
she never did".

****************************************************************












Visa obtained, it's back to Mainland China tomorrow, where, just as before, I anticipate problems accessing this site - thanks to China's continued attempts to stifle your actual 'freedom of speech'. (Talk is cheap, all right - but I won't be satisfied till all speech is free, haha).
Future postings, therefore, are likely to be intermittent (and just as politically subversive as today's obviously is?) Time will tell...


Vincent Hefter, Tsim Sha Tsui, Hong Kong.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

cents and sensitivity...

**************************************

I like to deal in
hard cash - but the bus sign said
'tender coins only'...

**************************************








(as spotted at Victoria Peak, Hong Kong)





('The Soft Option': '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, June 13, 2011

"hang on, I won't be a 2nd!"...

*************************

seeking ass1st.ance
is just another way of
asking for first aid...

*************************













('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Letters out of order? I guess so. Behaviour? maybe*...

****************************

'wine, women and snog?'
- yep, one of dyslexia's
great advantages...

****************************








*just a touch, perhaps - but a consensual one...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix - on the day of Hong Kong's first typhoon warning of the season. Don't get too many of those in London-upon-Thames (I'm in HK on a visa run.)

Saturday, June 11, 2011

a dromedary in the dormitory...

*****************************************

"Men! They're animals
in bed!" (Camels, right? - one hump,
and it's all over)


*****************************************









- all over what, I dread to think...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, June 10, 2011

she's as pretty as a picture - and cheaper!...

****************************************

bugger the 'art' of
seduction - friendships, well-forged,
are worth even more...

****************************************









Rogues Gallery (no smirking): their conquests may be as pretty as a picture, but it's they who are well-hung...





(17 Syllables)

Thursday, June 9, 2011

alive and kicking - and kicking and kicking...

*************************************

he tried so hard to
kick the bucket, missed it thrice
and muttered "f*ck it!"...

*************************************








if at first you don't succeed - eat some cheese (it's what you are good at)




('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It isn't just Lady Gaga who's big in the States...

*****************************************************

There's a truly massive American community
in this part of the world.

Just the three men and two women, of course.

But, boy, are they massive...

*****************************************************











Racism and Fattism - talk about killing two birds with (at least) one stone overweight...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

the one that got away...

**********************************

Carpe deum - "seize
the day"
. Troute deum - "grab
the other fish, mate"...

**********************************










- talking of 'dropped catch of the day', how about this selection from the menu of yesterday evening's eating establishment of choice in Yangshuo:

Bad cabbage fleshy foam,
Sydney pig live soup,
Peanut you should try soup,
Colocasia esculenta schott fleshy foam,
Element face,
Manual dumplings...


I settled for the eggplant and garlic claypot dish, and bloody good it was, too...





(17 syllables, 3 lines, 4 flies)

Sunday, June 5, 2011

from 'Masterchef' to 'Fasterchef' (hey, needs must)

***************************************

"cooking doesn't get
tougher than this,"
I mused - then
the microwave pinged...

***************************************











This blogging business is a bit of a lottery in China. Officially, the blogger.com site has been blocked. Unofficially, there are ways and means of circumventing these continued attempts to stifle freedom of speech. But fingers tend to remain firmly crossed when attempting to access the site (which doesn't exactly help with the typing).
Right now, for whatever the reason, the site is 'down' as often as it's up and running.
Who knew that 'menstrualcycleclips.blogspot.com' was so politically subversive?

Don't get me started. There's a time and place, and maybe this isn't it.

(Cue silent rant...)



(17 syllables)

Saturday, June 4, 2011

he only took a few minutes (not ours)

*********************************

a caring burglar
will take his time - for taking
yours would be a crime...

*********************************











I tend to refer to myself over here as 'the stupid old Englishman'. "But you're not old," someone is always quick to reassure me.
It would be nice if, just the once, someone said "but you're not stupid".
Quite hurtful, the Chinese...





('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Friday, June 3, 2011

the alimentary canal? - isn't that somewhere near Panama?...

******************************************

"Passing ships in the
night?" you say. Good God, man, no
wonder you've got piles...

******************************************










It transpires that my Chinese friend's Cafe/'Hostel' (4 rooms) has never registered itself with the authorities. All hell broke loose when I applied for my visa extension and it turned out that, as a result of this flouting of the regulations, I wasn't registered either. Big trouble for the Cafe/'Hostel', I feared. Indeed, my friend tells how she was made to take a seat in the middle of a room to be interrogated by a dozen or so Public Security Bureau officials positioned - for reasons known only to themselves - in a circle around her. All a bit OTT. But then just as suddenly, the situation seems to have been resolved to everyone's satisfaction. Best not to ask, I guess.
Resolved to everyone's satisfaction bar mine, that is. It looks like I might have to do a visa run to Hong Kong as a result. Bit of a pain in the backside, to say the least.





(17 Syllables)

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Billy No-Mates, that's me...

******************************************

I rang the Lonely
Hearts Club once. "Sorry," they said,
"we're not that lonely"...

******************************************













(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

lazy is as lazy does...

*********************************

Some folk run a mile
from the very word 'gym'. Not
me. I take the bus...

*********************************








(the only thing I'd exercise in the gym would be my right to do bugger all)





(17 Syllables)