Thursday, May 31, 2012

that old travel bug: the see[sic] blues...

****************************

Sailing The Seven Seas 

****************************

---mediterranean sea,
---adriatic sea,
---arabian sea,
---caspian sea,
---black sea,
---red sea,
---nau sea [sick]

****************************














"Listing seas: far safer than listing ships. - Discuss."

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

the ex-factor: a star is born - then borne away...

**************************************

once upon a time
I was the best thing since sliced
bread - and now I'm toast...

**************************************



















('Born & Bread, and Buttered Up': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

love is...

**********************************

Our eyes met, and my
life changed forever. Herpes -
it keeps coming back...

**********************************












- what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine: his and herpes...












(Romance - not so much 'dead', more 'dead honest': 17 Syllables)

Monday, May 28, 2012

there's the wrong way - and the write way...

********************************

if you've nothing nice
to say about someone, say
nothing - just text it...

********************************




















('And another thing...': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 27, 2012

pounds, shillings and pensive (is it still only a penny for your thoughts?)

********************************

pennies? - these days they
go as far as the old, well,
not very farthing...

********************************


















('The Penny (
Not So Far)thing': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 26, 2012

a union of utilities...

************************

is the merging of
gas and electricity
a coalition?...

************************


















(Just a thought (
only just) : 17 Syllables)

Friday, May 25, 2012

the Muslim equivalent of a life behind bras...

******************************

modesty may well
be the word, but a burqa's
more of a sentence...

******************************



















(17 Not-So-Sillybles: '17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

In an English country garden...

************************************

She gave us a wink
As she pulled down her dress...
(With a 'hey-nonny-no,'
Which I took as a 'yes')

************************************



















(Sung - to the tune of £25 for a quickie. Only kidding)

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

if a lit'll won't kill you, a lottle...

********************************

copious amounts
of gin's fine - can't copious
amounts, now that's bad...

********************************



















('Rhymes With Bottle': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

OK, so it wasn't exactly life-threatening...

********************************************

I writhed on the floor,
screaming for help...some houmous...
and "maybe some crisps?"...

********************************************


















('17 Syllables plus' re-mix)

Monday, May 21, 2012

putting the tit into title (it's 'Mr', not 'sister')

****************************************

male escorts who call
themselves fee males haven't quite
thought it through, methinks...

****************************************




















(17 Professionally Sillybles)

Saturday, May 19, 2012

their hooker's a looker: putting the 'scrum' into scrumptiousness...

****************************************

"crouch - touch - pause - engage" -
Australian foreplay has
some very strict rules...

****************************************











(1) crouch...(2) touch...(3) pause...(4) engage - so that's what's meant by fourplay!...











('Rugby - Not So Much a Sport, More a Lay of Wife': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

'Confessions of a Working Girl', out now in paperback...

*********************************

no, dad - "once upon
a mattress" doesn't make it
a bedtime story...

*********************************



















(Once Upon a Time and a Half ("It's Saturday Night, Luv"): 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

you'll find me at the bar - all bloody day...

**************************************

"I'm knackered! - Boy, do
they keep you on your toes here.
Bloody ballet school!"...

**************************************












- and bloody ballet toes...











('It's all tu-tu depressing': 17 Syllables)

Monday, May 14, 2012

are these the pets of 'heavy petting'?...

************************************

love rats and rampant
rabbits...everywhere! - it's pets'
corner round my place...

************************************




















('fornicating mammals, n pl: animal lovers': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 13, 2012

a snitch in time results in nine years' 'time'...

*******************************

a word in someone's
ear can lead to a sentence
in a prison cell...

********************************












...and a whole new chapter in someone's life...











('That Green Green Grass at Home - I'll Kill Him!': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 12, 2012

arose from the dead...

********************************

'reincarnation'?...
why carnation? - wouldn't 'a
rose' be far more apt?...

********************************












(17 Syllables)



---------------------------------------------------OR



----------------------------------------A rose...from the dead?

Is that when a rose is thrown on the coffin - and, bugger me, it's thrown straight back?...

Friday, May 11, 2012

'The Deep Fat Friar', Sherwood Forest...

*************************************

"Nottingham and eggs
again!" - Robin Hood soon tired
of Tuck's greasy spoon...

*************************************





















("Give us a break"fast: 17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

a rose by any other name...

*********************************

what? this isn't an
orgy? - then it's one heck of
a legs-a-party...

*********************************



















(17 Sillybilly'bles)

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

the redheads of state...

***********************************

it's feared, when redheads
do rule the world, they'll do so
way too gingerly...

***********************************










(according to a recent straw(berry blonde) poll)













('Seems it's almost taken as read - well, auburn': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

putting the 'car' into carcasses...

******************************************

"any manifold
joints in stock, butcher?" - "er, beef
or chicken stock, sir?"...

******************************************




















('A case of the blind leading the blind' (as opposed to a case of Chablis, say?): 17 Syllables)

Monday, May 7, 2012

from will.i.am to will.i.was...

***********************************

"When I say 'Fire!', fire
at will!" - so they did. Poor old
will - no-one liked him...

***********************************




















('A Black Eyed Pea who got more than just a black eye': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 6, 2012

hey, size is everything...

****************************************

the bad news, pal, is
that you're a prick - the good news:
you're quite a big one...

****************************************



















(17 Sillybles)

Saturday, May 5, 2012

two's company, three's the green, I believe...

**************************************

'love, honour...and a
baize' - it's that old snooker love
triangle again...

**************************************
















('A snooker widow's longest break? A weekend in London.': 17 Syllables)

Friday, May 4, 2012

hardly an alcohol-fuelled life...

******************************

at about seven
months per gallon, I prefer
a very sloe gin...

******************************












- makes up for all the fast food, mind...











('7 mpg', 17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 3, 2012

the human race? - that's me, being lapped...

*************************

sensitive feet run
in the family - ever so
gingerly, it seems...

*************************

















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

the royal family? - what a shower...

**********************************

the Queen's reigned non-stop
for sixty years now - and still
there's a hosepipe ban...

**********************************












(seems our humour's as dry as ever, too)












('Well-Bread and Dripping-in Diamonds': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

drug running and the 2012 Olympics...

************************

will anti-doping
policies still allow for
injections of pace?...

************************













(Yesterday's breaking news: drugs-cheat Dwain Chambers' lifetime ban overturned - now eligible for the Olympics)












('nothing wrong with a bit of needle': 17 Syllables)