Thursday, October 31, 2013

foreign climes...

****************************************************************

                     when I set off for
             foreign climes, what I set off
                    is a "whoop!" of joy...

****************************************************************

I'm not sure I'd ever be brave enough to lay down
my life for my country...but I'm a great believer in
baby steps, so I'm starting here by laying down my
pen. Not for my country, mind. Just for my followers.
Both of you. And it'll merely seem like a lifetime (as
far as I'm concerned, anyway). In fact, it'll only be
for the best part of a relatively short time. 12 weeks.
More than long enough for you to not just put that
battered old kettle on, but to save up for and go out
and buy a shiny new one...
So now, without further ado, let's all crack on and see
what else life has to offer. (Starting with a coffee
and dark chocolate rice cake, as far as I'm concerned.)
May the next twelve weeks be twelve of the very best
for us all...

****************************************************************




'foot in mouth' time...

*******************************************

I never mince my
words - which makes it quite hard to
eat them afterwards...

*******************************************



















('Eating one's words': 17 Syllables)

sleazy rider...

*************************************

mounting a woman? -
best ask her if you'll need those
menstrual cycle clips...

*************************************









(getting down and dirty - but not too dirty)











(Bi-cycle n.(fem): the bi-sexual town 'bike'; Buy-cycle: when you have to pay for it: 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

proof reading - '43% proof' reading...

*************************************

I'm wasted writing
this stuff. (And so would you be
after eight whiskys)

*************************************



















('Rye humour': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

better a Norfolk broad than an Ipswitch...

*******************************

my girlfriend comes from
Norwich - but her orgasms
come from Fakenham...

*******************************



















(So that's what she meant by 'going to town':17 Syllables)

Monday, October 28, 2013

it's all about the carbon footprint (short-haul)

***************************

to offset my flight
to Cyprus, I planted a
kiss on my girlfriend...

***************************









(as for planting one's seed, that's strictly long-haul)










('A man on emission, that's me': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

the judge's sentence - decidedly mispronounced...

***********************************

"He who is without
syntax, let cast him the stone
first". He tried again...

***********************************


















('Pronouncing sentence': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

003.5 - the half-brother (less of an agent, more of a gent)

********************************************************

"Who are you, pray?" - "The
name's Wand. James Wand." - "Wow! There's a
name to conjure with"...

********************************************************


















('The spitting image of Ian Phlegming': 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 25, 2013

Touched by an angel. Inappropriately...

**********************************************

my guardian angel
tried to soothe me"there, there," she
sighed, "and maybe there"...

**********************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Christening of Prince George...

**************************************

And here's the Queen, on
roller skates - they're royal blue,
but I think they're Kate's...

**************************************









(the Chapel Royal, no less - so not just any chap'll do)










('Never one to be late': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

when is a collie cross? - when it's left behind...

*********************************

when Poles see Border
Terriers, they want to cross
them - into England...

*********************************









(we're not talking crossbreeding here - not even very crossbreeding)










('Crossing Borders': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

putting the 'ill' into 'still not married'...

*****************************

I'm a single man,
so when I leave hospital,
I leave well alone...

*****************************









 
There's no better way to leave. ('No better' is not the way to leave) 











('Sic transit, Gloria!' - 'Fetch an ambulance, Gloria!': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 21, 2013

obesity: mum's the word, dad's absurd...

**************************************

"Eat nothing fatty,"
said mum. "Eat nothing, fatty!"
said dad. Hate my dad...

**************************************


















('Is a pizza a square meal?': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 20, 2013

from court jester to High Court jester?...

*****************************************

"Forgetting a punch-
line's murder, " I said. "Well, mans
laughter." - "Yeah, you wish"...

*****************************************










(suicide, surely? - after all, it's you who dies on stage)










('Manslaughter, sans laughter...': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

what a couple of donkeys: a cruel (but apt) character ass-ass-ination...

********************************

you don't have to be
an ass to be a Peru
drugs mule - but it helps...

********************************










- with apologies to Melissa Reid & Michaella McCollum (who I fear will now need the courage of their (drugs) convictions to cope with Peruvian incarceration)...










(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Questionnaire...

***************************************************************

How are you seen by others? Please choose from the following:

A: attractive
Be honest
C: ugly

***************************************************************












****** (17 Syllables) *******

How are you seen by
others?: A: attractive, Be
honest, C: ugly...

******************************

Thursday, October 17, 2013

that'll be a white litote, then?...

****************************

"father, I cannot
tell a litote - although
I'm not against them"...

****************************










(no problems telling a lie, mind)











('A precocious teller of untruths, was the young George Washington': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I looked her straight in the...

************************************

"Why don't people take
me seriously?" Chantelle asked
me. 'Nice tits,' I thought...

************************************

















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

now who's the straight man?...

*******************************

Confucius, he say:
"even funniest of joke
written in straight line"...

*******************************










- putting the 'Wise' into Morecambe & Wise...










('The yin and yang of comedy': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 14, 2013

sexual awakening...

***********************************

"it's spring!" - never mind
the Ides of March, beware the
April to Mayhem...

***********************************










- when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love (lightly, my arse!)










('Beware the Ides of March': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

everything BUT the ant (of white anthropomorphism)

-------------------(1)--------------------

as the panda eats
shoots and leaves, a scared squirrel
scoffs his nuts - and bolts...

------------------------------------------
-------------------(2)--------------------

as the panda eats
shoots and leaves, a flamingo
warns the birds - and ducks...

------------------------------------------













('Variations on a theme': 17 Syllable double)

Saturday, October 12, 2013

love is...

*************************************

a single rose on
a plate of chips - she stuffs her
face, then licks my lips...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 11, 2013

a well-rounded individual...

******************************

sadly, the greatest
shape I've ever been in is
a perfect circle...

******************************










- though I'll always be an old square in the eyes of my wife...










('A fine figure of a man (even if the figure's a big, fat zero)': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

soft tissue/major issue...

***********************************

if a soft spot's a
cancerous growth, I've quite a
soft spot for racists...

***********************************



















(National Front? - 'National Affront', more like: 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the flatfish feminist: "my flat, my fish"...

******************************

a woman's plaice is
in the oven - and it's that
that's in the kitchen...

******************************


















Marriage: 'if a woman's place is in the kitchen, then that's the place to stick the witch in' (one-line rhyme crime).

(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Alison Wonderland...

*******************************************

"You know I'm not Israeli?"
Queried Benjamin Disraeli
(Whom the Queen had asked to dine
at Buckingham Palestine)

*******************************************









- "isn't it 'Palice?" wondered Alice..."so hard to know the correct form of address"...










(Meanwhile, Tweedle Dum got even dummer...)

Monday, October 7, 2013

frogspawn: now showing at the amphi(bian)theatre...

******************************

there's a dirty film
on the water - I say 'film',
it's frogsporn, really...

******************************



















('The stuff of wet dreams? Well, not exactly': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

3 (genuine leather) straplines...

***********************************

I'm just 'a writer
ahead of his time'. My watch -
it's a minute fast...

***********************************


















(Go for it! Write now! - Fame! Not right now!: 17 syllables)

Saturday, October 5, 2013

more 'short story' than multi-storey...

***************************

do nosy parkers
like to pay & display in
erogenous zones?...

***************************










-  yes, if they're into 'dogging'...










('Parking meters and greeters': 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 4, 2013

one crack after another...

*****************************************

so sad for Shakespeare's
Bottom...for years, now, the butt -
of so many jokes...

*****************************************











'London Derriere, La Musicale': now on at The Globe theatre - there you are, there's another one...










('A Midsummer Nightmare: The Londonderry Air' : 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

fish course, meat course, damp course...

***********************************

nothing goes better
with a damp cottage pie than
a draughty house wine...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

# 46 - #49 of two ongoing off-line series...

******************************************************************                                   
                      
                              The Tales of i 

(i - an educated eejit, with the letters after his name to prove it: j,k,l,m,n,o...)


*****************************

i wanted to go
down in history, so tried hard
to visualize it............

***********************************


      ...H   STORY
             i


- "well, maybe not that far down," he thought...



**************************************************************


TYPEWRiTER  -   i was the tall, dark, italic type...




**************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------



- and, from 'The Book of ideas'...                            

****************************************

Which do you prefer:
"The King and i"...or "The K  ng"?
(The King with no i's)

****************************************


HURRiCANE - the i of the storm - always in the centre...


*******************************************************************




----- AND THE i JOKES GET CORNEA AND CORNEA -----

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

"Anonymous" - by (Anon)

*************************************

I'm calling myself
'anonymous' - which makes this
rhyme eponymous!...
                                      (Anon)
*************************************



















('The verse is terse - and it's getting worse': 17 Very Sillybles)

Monday, September 30, 2013

lateral thinking...

**************************************

TV critics don't
so much think 'outside the box' -
more in front of it...

**************************************


















('It's the way they're programmed': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 29, 2013

men only: the testosterowners' club...

**********************************

it's Friday night, and
I'm with the lads - all glitter-
balls and go-gonads...

**********************************


















('A knight commoner on the tiles': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 28, 2013

"yes.....yes.....YES!" (trying for 'the pill')

******************************

the pill was clearly
conceived by a couple not
taking precautions...

******************************











- necessity is the mother of invention - and who wants to be a mother?...











("We won't let it beat us! - we'll let it defoetus!": 17 Syllables)

Friday, September 27, 2013

"hello, mate, how's it going?"...

*****************************************

I'll ring you back, Jim -
there's someone on the next line...





Bugger - they've hung up...

*****************************************

















(Either that, or it's a bad line (bad? - I was trying for 'witty'): 17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, September 26, 2013

seeing red (a little cross)

------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------
-------------------M---------------------
-------------------A----------------------
-------------------N----------------------
-------------------A----------------------
---------------A N G E R------------------
-------------------E----------------------
-------------------M----------------------
-------------------N----------------------
-------------------T----------------------
------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------


**********************************

Bugger!...Yet again
I'm writing dross - no wonder
I'm A LITTLE CROSS...

**********************************






('Anger management: the solution to crosswords. Very crosswords.': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

I'll get my six-pack from the corner shop, thank you very much...

********************************

I hate physical
jerks - or 'keep-fit fanatics'
as they call themselves...

********************************



















('All I want to exercise is my right to be lazy': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

it'd beat the bloody telly - again...

******************************************

"I'd love a good night
in."..."In? In what?"..."Well, 'shining 
armour'. You know one?"...

******************************************









...sorry, love - the only knights I know are in white satin...











('A woman can dream, right?': 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 23, 2013

a round too many (the bottle hits back)

***************************

"how come, whenever
I hit the bottle, it's me
who ends up KO'd?"...

***************************










(still, at least a round that costs £21:50 lasts more than three minutes)











('When a flawed character becomes a floored one.':17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 22, 2013

the A 63 - to Hull and back...

*******************************

"Lead us, heavenly
Father, lead us - avoiding
Hull, if you don't mind"...

*******************************











- The route of all evil: Leeds to Hull. "Yeah, right. Leads to hell, more like". Whatever...











('King of Kingston-upon-Hull' it ain't: 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 21, 2013

the ageing pugilist - drunk again...

****************************************

"hitting forty's tough"...
"then corner them one at a
time - you'll stand more chance"...

****************************************










- the numbers game (and so is he)











('Youth on his side - forty youths on theirs': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 19, 2013

doggerel - 'the 3-line whippet'...

**********************************

I draw the line when
it comes to 'poetry' - and it's
the one after this...
________________________

**********************************










the dogged doggerelist - more pet than poet (I think he needs his ego stroking)










(17 Not-So-Well-Red Priscillables (I know my limits)

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

2/1 strawberry, 7/2 raspberry - money for jam...

*****************************

spread betting's great! -
I've just won a tenner on
marge beating butter...

*****************************

















('I'm on a roll - and so's the marge': 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 16, 2013

spread the word (on toast, with butter)

*****************************

with orange, it's known,
no rhymes can be made
(so it's better to wait
till it's marmalade)

*****************************












or - as this is primarily a '17 Syllable' blog...
**************************************

with orange, it's known,
no rhymes are made (best to wait
till it's marmalade)

**************************************



('Rhymes with Orange': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 15, 2013

austerity and the weekly shop...

*******************************

cream lightens those bags
under your eyes - poverty
the ones in your hand...
               
*******************************










- whilst Ocado's dropping off some people's shopping, other people's shopping's just dropping off...











('Weightrose Weightdropped. - Lidl by lidl. Hard times': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 14, 2013

summers leave me cold...

************************************

"a heatwave!" (summer
happy, summer not, some just
think it's bloody hot)

************************************










- fond? memories, fading fast! (I love all the months, really. Exceptember.)











('Seasonal puns? - sort of autumnatic, to be honest': 17 Syllables)

Friday, September 13, 2013

The Taken Inn...

************************************

<FREE SPIRITS> read the
pub sign, "...get the same service
as grumpy old sods".

************************************


















(Bugger! - you had me at 'free': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 12, 2013

mind you, they're both built like tanks...

***************************************

Jayne? She's full of hot
air. 'Air', not 'water' - that  would
be her twin cistern...

***************************************

















(At least the latter gives us running walking water (lazy cow):17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

my family tree's an elder - and I respect my elders...

************************************

tree surgeons? - well, they're
no doctors...but hey, damaged
roots are damaged roots...

************************************









parting is such sweet sorrow - well, my parting is...










('The old pussy willow could do with a trim, too': 17 syllables)

Monday, September 9, 2013

Mary, Mary, quite contrary...

*********************************

"I detest gender
stereotyping. Men, though -
they're obsessed with it"...

*********************************


















('That's Mary all over: womanipulator par excellence': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 8, 2013

pretty pollyticians...

*******************************************

"Vote for me! vote for
me! vote..." squawk members of the
House, parrot-fashion...

*******************************************










we're in a hell of a state - don't we deserve a hell of a statesman (do they still exist?) 











('The House of Commons: strong, curved bills & legislation': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 7, 2013

lone sharks - they're the same...

*************************************

see those fish that don't
care to swim in shoals with the
rest? - they're standoffish...

************************************


















(Forget 'chum salmon' - think 'no chum' salmon: 17 Syllables)

Friday, September 6, 2013

in the (400m?) lap of the Gods...

**********************************

if Bolt and Farah
were to run for office, would
they stick to their lanes?...

**********************************










- we're talking future IAAF board members here...











(17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, September 5, 2013

underneath the arches...

**********************************

funny how something
as sole-destroying as walking
always cheers me up...

**********************************












- "a pair of shoes that always pinches reduces feet to merely inches". (I walked round the island of Ireland once. 10 weeks to the day. Started off with two feet, ended up with one foot ten inches. Well, it sure felt that way. Fond memories.)











('Walking on air in Eire': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 4, 2013

the list is short - my days are numbered...

*****************************************

plastic...galvanized...
wooden...copper...stainless steel -
that's my bucket list...

*****************************************











- I've got the first two already...











(Kicking the Bucket - Rhymes with "F*cket." As it should.: 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

death's hard to swallow - drugs aren't...

*******************************

"Just Say No" to drugs -
the alternative could have
Grim Reapercussions...

*******************************




















('One Scythe Fits All': 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 2, 2013

grey tits, marsh tits, stupid tits (guilty as charged)

******************************

are those who crave non-
ornithological tits
horny thologists?...

******************************










 









('Bird lovers, by any other name': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 31, 2013

roadkill...

****************************************

There are rodents, and
there are - splat! - middle-of-the-
roadents. Damned squirrels!

****************************************



















(Stay on the verge! (but not of extinction): 17 Syllables)

raspberry, blueberry, loganberry, Mary Berry...

************************************

one swallow doesn't
make a summer pudding - well,
not like Mary does...

************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, August 30, 2013

love you too, mum...

****************************************

"one swallow doesn't
make a summer," says mum, "but
to be son-kissed does"...

****************************************











(the Mrs. loves Krs.)











('a peck on the cheek, at least once a week': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 29, 2013

kiss and tel: insert any number (of old flames)

*************************************

it's not a little
black book I've got - more of an
ex directory...

*************************************












- more exes than you can shake a stick at, bless 'em...











(17 Rather Sillybles)

Wednesday, August 28, 2013

when in Rome...

****************************

Man walks into a
bar. A colour bar. So he
orders an orange...

****************************


















(Orange, without rhyme or reason...well, without rhyme, anyway:17 Sillybles)

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

drained of a motion...

*******************************

overcoming the
loss of two feet's easy - if
you're a toilet roll...

*******************************


















('98 feet left (as opposed to 98 left feet)': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 26, 2013

'touch and go' takes on a whole new meaning...

*******************************

why, when I do get
off with girls, is it so hard
to get on with them?...

*******************************









("it's 'touch and go', so
go away! - you can 'touch and
stay' another day")











('The Hits & Mrs. (and Mr.ies) of Physical Attraction': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 25, 2013

a bag's for life (but is the wife?)

************************************************

"no," sighs my wife, "your
breads don't taste like cardboard - more
like plastic baguettes"...

************************************************












the joke's fine - it's the bread that's tasteless...











('Oh, well - saves on wrappers': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 24, 2013

"Abracadaver!" (dying, twice nightly)

**************************************************

The Magic Circle's
turned me down. Three times! (Damn! My
worst hat trick - ever)

**************************************************



















('The rabbit in the hat trick (screw the rabbit bit)': 17 Syllables)

Friday, August 23, 2013

a whole word of difference...

************************************

reality show
singers aren't singers of note -
just singers of notes...

************************************


















('The X(cruciating) Factor': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 22, 2013

the correct form of a dress...

***************************************

S & M dungeons
have a strict dress code: 'any old
rags - but make them strict'...

***************************************










- try the local chain store (ignore the clothes - grab the chain)










('Not just any clothes, S & M clothes'): 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 21, 2013

careful - she'll crown you, Charles (mum's the word, eh?)

******************************************

Charles yelling "when's this
damned reign going to end?" is just
the son coming out...

******************************************










- 60 years, and counting. 'Frustration,' by any other name...










(Forget 'hurri-canes'. Think 'no hurry' reigns: 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 20, 2013

going clubbing (Arsenal, Spurs, Chelsea...)

***********************************

those groupies who try
it on with footballers - they're
simply goaldiggers...

***********************************


















('Score last night?': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 19, 2013

an (intravenous) injection of pace...

********************************

all those gazelles in
the line-up - yet the race is
won by a cheetah...

********************************









another meeting - yet more cheating...










('2013 World Championships come to an end': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 18, 2013

curry in a hurry...

***********************************

there's fast food, and there's
very fast food (you can't beat
a Usain balti)

***********************************


















('Goes well with beans. Runner beans': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 17, 2013

cinematographic daisy chain...

*******************************

       Rose of seats
   and beds of flowers
and nudes in lovely posies.
      A lovely screen,
      I think it's thyme
to pamper all our noses...

*******************************
















putting the 'ode' into Odeon...

Friday, August 16, 2013

three Magi, zero i-Magi-nation...

**************************************

"why in a stable?"...
"why today?"..."why to Mary?"...
asked the 3 'why?'s men...

**************************************


















('Why? - God Knows': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 15, 2013

August 15, 2013 - 2020 vision...

************************************

if nostalgia's not
what it was, clairvoyance sure
ain't what it will be...

************************************


















(Take it from me (you can bring it back later): 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 14, 2013

and the line went dead (the 3rd line, in this case)

*****************************

I can't complain, but
if I did, would you listen?
I...hello?...hello?...

*****************************










- you'll have to excuse me now, it's dinner time - tagliatelle-vision (TV Set meal for one, yummy!)










(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

bread and a red...

**************************************

"Who says you can't toast
a baguette?" He raised his glass:
"To baguettes," he laughed...

**************************************
















(17 Sillybles)

Monday, August 12, 2013

mummy no-milk...

************************************

I love you more than
chocolate, mummy - as long as
it's plain, like you are...

************************************



















('Putting the Cad into Cadbury': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 11, 2013

"Herd of sheep?" - Yes, I have. But I think it's 'flock'...

*************************************

see those clots along
the main arteries? - they're the
groups off the cruise ships...

*************************************


















('Ship of Fools': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 10, 2013

be it in a handcart or a London bus...

*************************************

to hell and back's a
damned good day - it's only bad
if you're forced to stay...

*************************************




















('Glass Half-Full': 17 not-so-Sillybles)

Friday, August 9, 2013

boxers rule, KO...

********************************

'what goes around comes
around' - what doesn't go a
round comes round later...

********************************


















("It's a Knockout": 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 8, 2013

"rustlers!" - ("calm down, it's what we do," said the leaves)

************************

Asked a llama,
"Why the drama?"...
Sighed the farmer,
"False a llama"...

************************









-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Calmer Llama": a syllable short of a haiku (what many people call me)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------








Monty Panesar fined by police for nightclub 'incident' (yesterday's news)...

************************************

caught urinating
on bouncers, Monty? - mistake
them for full-tosses?...

************************************
 

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

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client to live to a ripe old age and meet three four tall, dark and handsome strangers...... £40.00












------- Office Hours: Monday - Wednesday, 9:00 - 5:00. Home Visits by Arrangement ------

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

cheese, milk, yoghurt, pistol...

************************************
most things kept in the
fridge go off at some stage - I
just hope my gun won't...

************************************






















('Packing heat. In the fridge': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 5, 2013

penne pinching...

*******************************

diets call for portion
controlnot a penne more,
not a penne less...

*******************************










- 'a penne'?
...well, at least the food's not rich, then...











('Pasta dishes? - they're ten a penne, mate': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 4, 2013

not so much a quartermaster, more a threequartermaster...

*****************************************

Long John Silver looked
down. 'Bugger,' he sighed, 'one left 
leg...and one leg left'...

*****************************************

















('Accidents Will Happen': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Noddy's Station(ary) Wagon...

****************************************

Noddy's car:...wooden
tyres?...wooden pedals?...wooden
chassis? Wooden work.

****************************************


















('Noddy & Big No Gears': 17 Syllables)

Friday, August 2, 2013

bank of mum (and dad, sometimes)

*******************************************

"a penne for your
thoughts?" asked my mum (she often
gives me food for thought)

*******************************************















**************************************

there's loads of dough in
my food bank's currant account -
"yippee! currant buns!"...

**************************************

(17 Syllable double)

Thursday, August 1, 2013

"play," said the referee, "but not on words this time, OK?"...

**************************************

"in squash, 'hitting the
ground running' won't cut it...hit
the ball running, lad"...

**************************************



















("Doh!": 17 Pretty Sillybles)

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

"I AM bitious!"...

*******************************

"to reach the top in
Formula One, you have to
be driven"  - "by whom?"...

*******************************


















(4-wheel 'drive': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Life begins at 40...

******************************************

middle-age spread's been
here since Roman times - when life
began at XL...

******************************************

















('The Big 40: giving it large - extra large': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 29, 2013

"ah, men!" to that...

**********************************

"if my body is
a temple, how should I make
love?" - "Religiously?"...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, July 26, 2013

I'm leaving you - on the plate...

*************************************

There's nothing worse than
a woman scorned. Well, except
perhaps broccoli...

*************************************



















('You incredible thing, you': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 25, 2013

beer goggles...

********************************

an alcoholic
optimist sees the glass half
full - but not for long...

********************************








- cheers!...










('When temptation is but temporary': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"***king hell!" (long may he live)


Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor,
Rich man, Poor man, Beggar man.....George.







Bugger!16 Syllables...








(I'd been counting on 'Arthur') 





-- the name of William and Kate's son, the future King, is revealed today --

Battle of Britain (the remix)

********************************

"never was so much
owed by so many  to such
a phew" - stink bombers...

********************************


















(17 hopefully not too disrespectful Syllables)

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

beware the off-road sex-drive...

*******************************

don't take viagra
before driving - you'll only
try and mount the kerb...

*******************************


















('A Bit on the Side - the Driver's Side': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Take That? - they're a joke. And here it is...

*************************************

"I saw Take That in
London yesterday" - "Clapham?"
"No, they were lousy"...

*************************************











- meanwhile, elsewhere in London, the eyes of the world may well be focused on William & Kate's 'heir almost apparent', but its legs are off to the pub. Hottest day of the year, if an excuse is needed...











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Roll Call...

Swiss?
"here!"
Spring?
"here!" 
Sausage?
"here!"
Bacon?
"here!"
Bread?
"here!"
Arctic?
"here!"
Toilet?...Toilet?...


..."toilet? - where's toilet?" - "Took a knock, sir - slightly wounded. Lost a couple of feet, sir. Should be back presently".

"Very well. Dismissed".







Two Feet Shorter (Rolls I have known)

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dire Straits tribute band...

******************************

Liam and Noel -
"the Oasisters" - present:
Brothers (Up) in Arms...

******************************










('Handbags At Dawn': 17 Syllables)




****************************************

Tour de France - a tour de force...

****************************************

with only one day
left, Froome's determined to keep
his feet on the ground...

****************************************

questionable tactics for a cyclist, I would have thought. Still, congratulations to Chris Froome on what appears to be a foregone conclusion...

(17 Syllables - 21 Stages)

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Life and Times of a Couch Potato...

***********************************

Fred's memoirs run to
about three pages - then walk
the rest of the way...

***********************************


















('Just a few Lazy Chapters': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Mr Posnanski at No 42...

*************************************

'One man, one vote'? - that's
fine, I thought - till I found out
just who that man was...

*************************************









         




***************************************      

         THE ASHES URN

***************************************

Twenty 20 is
where the cash is - all the same,
it's not The Ashes...

***************************************


- to earn is human, the urn divine...




(17 Syllable double-header. And the 2nd Test starts tomorrow.)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

life's a Shi Tzu...

***************************************

you know you're ugly
when you win best of breed - and
you don't have a dog...

***************************************



















('Man, I met this dog last night': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Ben Johnson, Tyson Gay, Asafa Powell, et al...

*************************************

who knew? - I always
thought injections of pace were
allowed in sprinting...

*************************************










- sure are, but not necessarily intravenous, subcutaneous or intramuscular...













('The Need for Speed. Amphetamines, by any other name': 17 syllables)

Monday, July 15, 2013

"at my age," says grandpa, "I'll stick to elderberries"

********************************

"forbidden fruit?...with
melons it's seedy, and with
an ugli? - no, thanks"...

********************************


















('Age-appropriate frolicking': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 14, 2013

a case in point (in lower case and 14-point)

******************************

I've got a rotten
work ethic. I'm constantly
writing rotten work...

******************************










- more of a decomposer than a composer, to be honest...









('Sum Rot Wot I Rote': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now. for no particular reason, and at no extra cost, a rock ('n' roll) joke...

*************************************
   
What links Granite to
Mick Jagger? - Neither Stone is
easy to work with...

*************************************

('Chiseled Bodies': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Land of Hope and Curry...

************************************

Every Tom, Dick and
Patel thinks Britain's changing.
Can't see it myself...

************************************


















('Harry-kiri - by not just any other name': 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 12, 2013

sound judgement (sound - not music)

*************************************

yes, I loved all the
Spice Girls' records - apart from
the last eleven...

*************************************


















(Give me 17 Cilla Black bles any time)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

going straight - well, I thought I was...

********************************

last night, I was caught
taking the A3 - the charge?
highway robbery...

********************************










- they also said they'd have to take my previous offences into consideration (the week before I'd taken the M1 and the M4)









('Well, if they're there for the taking': 17 Rather Sillybles)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

down at The Merchant of Venice's showrooms...

**********************************

"Alfa Romeo!
Wherefore art thou? - Juliet's
opting for Portia"...

**********************************










...bugger 4-wheel drive - think sex-drive. Sapphic trapphic, it's all the rage...










('The original Alpha male...and Porsche: a Shakespearean Play - on words': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

cheese/cake...

*************************************************

"you avoided their
traps!" -  "piece of cake," said the mouse,
"they should have used cheese"...

*************************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 8, 2013

paint-free, yes - pain-free, no...

**********************************

I'm a performance
artist - whilst sharpening my
pencils, I draw blood...

**********************************












Talking of performance and artistry (combined with dedication, hard work and sheer bloody-mindedness) - Andy Murray, I salute you. Britain's greatest living athlete. (My friend went into labour at the climax of the final set - and he wasn't even pregnant)









('Even the bluntest of pencils can draw blood': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 7, 2013

sent off! - and in some style...

*****************************************

Jesus handles the
cross...the crowd goes wild...it's a
nailed-on penalty!...

*****************************************


















('The Endgame':17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 6, 2013

vroom with a view - to buying...

*******************************

torque is cheap, but not
when it comes courtesy of
a maserati...

*******************************


















(Full Car Specs: 4.2L V8, 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 5, 2013

keeping up with the times...

************************************

my kids keep trying to
wind me up - they don't realize
I've gone digital...

************************************


















('Happy Families...sort of': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Minor problem (or is it D Minor?)

*******************************************

I'm a singer of
some note - but don't know which as
I can't read music...

*******************************************


















(17 Jolly Sillyllables)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

the taxi rank...

************************************

<STAND FOR 3 CABS> read
the sign. "Why?  - I don't even
stand for the Queen, me"...

************************************











--- Wimbledon  2013 ---
*****************************

"just how many 'serve-
volleys you don't see any
more' can a man see?"...

************************************


...just a few days to go, then we won't be seeing any more of those 'serve-volleys you don't see any more' till, well, next year. 'Confused', Tunbridge Wells.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Stones do Glastonbury...

***********************************

old age: from " please give
it up for The Stones" to "dear
Stones, please give it up"...

***********************************









- mind you, they sure knocked 'Gerry Attrick and the Rocking Chairs' into touch...









('Glastonburial rites? Not quite yet, perhaps':17 Syllables)

Monday, July 1, 2013

my new life coach sets me tough targets...

*************************************************************

        Last night, after watching Bambi, I cried
      for 13 minutes and 32 seconds - a personal 
         best. We hope to get it down to around 
             13 minutes by the end of the year.

*************************************************************









we don't call it 'crying', we refer to it as 'fawnicating' 







talking of which, and totally unconnected...
************************************************************

        Operation Yewtree - the net closes...

                                           
                 I've nothing against
              Operation Yewtree - just
                 not me and youtree...


************************************************************

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Botox...

*********************************

Beauty lies. And I
don't mean in the eye of the
beholder. Beauty lies.

*********************************


















('It's not just liposuction that sucks': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 29, 2013

making headlines (my head, my lines)

*********************************

"why don't I agree
with botox?" - I guess it just
gets under my skin...

*********************************


















('So many lines to learn (to live with) sighed the actress': 17 Syllables)

Friday, June 28, 2013

"sin"? - it's no more than Spanish for "without"...

*********************************

The world is full of
sinners. The rest of us just
haven't been caught yet...

*********************************












He who is without sin, let him cast the first...Ouch! Nice one, Jesus lad:  (also 17 Syllables)









************************************************************************

                                - an L of a surface -
Wow, so many players slipping and sliding (and retiring) this year at Wimbledon!
                                    Must be the glass court season...

************************************************************************

Thursday, June 27, 2013

seems I write that way, too...

********************************

I've got no business
sense - I never think about
the bottom line. Hat.

********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Posh Spice...

***************************************

"How long is a piece
of string?" - Hang on, I'll ask her:
"Posh, how long are you?"...

***************************************



















('The Thinking Man's Crumpet': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

not so much an idiot abroad as a broad abroad...

*****************************************

The Prague waitress came
over. "Cheque?" she enquired. "No,
British," I replied...

*****************************************









(true story, obviously - who'd want to make up something that daft?)










('You'll Pay For That': 17 Syllables)

Monday, June 24, 2013

I guess it's an offshore tax haven now...

*************************************

the current in my
current account's so strong, it's
now reached the Caymans...

*************************************


















('Liquid Assets': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 23, 2013

never said a word...

************************************

I'm not saying my wife's
dress sense is the worst in the
world - I'm writing it...

************************************



















('Writing One's Own Death Sentence Senryu':17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 22, 2013

cookie nookie...

***********************************

old age: cakes go hard,
biscuits go soft - and tarts go
with anybody...

***********************************



















('The Table's Laid. And I Soon Will Be': 17 Syllables)

Friday, June 21, 2013

17 syllables? - no problem...

*****************************

life's tough for st...st...
stutterers - but a haiku's
a d...d...doddle...

*****************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, June 20, 2013

say hello to the new "me and youtility"...

****************************************

said the electricity
board to the gas board "let's form
a coalition!"...

****************************************


















(Putting the 'Solid' into 'Consolidation': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

it's my round (and round...and round...and...

***********************************

Guest Ales - Constantly
Rotating!  - "Christ, no wonder 
my head's in a spin"...

***********************************










- a case of "if you can't beat'em, join'em" - (followed by
- a case of ...red, probably)











('Lights, CAMRA, Action!': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

isn't that a little rash?....

*******************************

fancy changing the
baby, darling? - not really,
let's stick with this one...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 17, 2013

"Take that!" she screamed. "What about them," I asked...

**********************************

"What do you like best
in a woman?" she asked. "My
dick?" I replied. Thwack!.....

**********************************


















("Ad Lib 0 - Women's Lib 1 - You Loser, You" : 17 Syllables)

Friday, June 14, 2013

the boy who became a mantra...

*******************************
---------------o---------------

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna
Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

---------------o---------------

Hare Rama Hare Rama
Rama Rama Hare Hare

---------------o---------------

Hare Potta Hare Potta
Potter Potter Harry Harry

---------------o---------------

*******************************







Yes, I've read the books....









Religiously...

Thursday, June 13, 2013

mind that hot water you've just got yourself into...

***********************************

if you think she's built
like a tank, you should take a
look at her cistern...

***********************************


















('That's her in the attic, by Dorian Gray's picture': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

singing my praises (but not quite in tune)

**********************************

I'm a singer of
note, all right - but sadly not
always the right one... 

**********************************


















(More 'oh, dear mi' than 'do re mi': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

'absentee-heeism' - you're having a laugh, right?...

*************************************

"I can't come to work,
I've got this cold"...("a-tishoo!"
of lies, I admit)

*************************************



















('Cold Calling Man Flu Calling': 17 Syllables)

Monday, June 10, 2013

a lifetime of serial philandering...

****************************************

relationships have
never been my strength, more  of
a one-a-weekness...

****************************************


















('I'll Love You Forever Till Tuesday': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 9, 2013

one-armed...banned it

********************************************

Masturbation? - I've
stopped! At long last! (It took months
to pull it off, mind)

********************************************








- which reminds me: might you find the location of London's, ahem, 'massage parlours' on a 'relief' map? Just a thought...









('A Single-Handed Singular Achievement': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 8, 2013

honour among thieves...

*********************************

"I like to take risks,"
said the thief, "but I always
return them later"...

*********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 7, 2013

it's a square meal, all right - but where's the meat?...


aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus
aubergine.artichoke.asparagus











- an ode (or 'oh, dear'?) to my three favourite vegetables...

Thursday, June 6, 2013

today he's Ed (tomorrow Ed boy?)

*************************************

"our son was put down
at birth" - "I'm so sorry" - "why?
he'll just love Eton"...

*************************************



















('Just Another (Well-)Bred and Butter Public School': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

"anything you hold may be downed in evidence"...

***********************************

coppers can't drink on
duty, right? (but at least they
can charge their glasses)

***********************************



















('The Pint that's Drunk in Charge Haste': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

they're a trio now - that's Pete, beside himself with Joy...

**********************************

Great drummer! Blows his
own trumpet, too. More of a
one-man band, really...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 3, 2013

blatant discrimination...

****************************

Saxophonist seeks
relationship with fellow
musician. No strings...

****************************


















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 2, 2013

higher education breeds higher chievers...

************************************

it's what ambitious
teachers dream of: being able
to quit when a Head...

************************************



















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Talent Shows (as does the lack of it)

**********************************

I know talent when
I see it, and that's just what
I see: no talent...

**********************************




















('What's got 2 i's and sucks? Britain's Got Talent (a prostitute's only got one)': 17 Syllables)

Friday, May 31, 2013

when getting on together means getting off with each other...

*****************************

tandem skydivers:
why is it they always fall
out with each other?...

*****************************




















('The Fall-Out': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 30, 2013

the route of all evil?...

************************************

if its true 'all roads 
lead to Rome', do psychopaths
lead to funny farms?

************************************



















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

when 'vainglorious' leads to 'veinglorious'...

*******************************

in the sporting world,
resorting to drugs is just
for mugs who seek cups...

*******************************



















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

try this for sighs...

**********************************

there are two types of
people: fools, sages and bad
mathematicians...

**********************************


















('A Quick Four-Liner': 17 Syllables)

Monday, May 27, 2013

English as a foreign language (at times)...

******************************

verbosity sure
is discombobulating -
damned gobbledygook!...

******************************




















('You Lost Me at 'Disco': 17 Syllables

Sunday, May 26, 2013

if music be the food of love...

**************************************

the others had stopped,
but on they swayed - for in their
hearts, the band still played...

**************************************




















('Love Story': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 25, 2013

the verb that longed to be a noun...

********************************

"The Inquisitive
Mind". The uninquisitive? -
they don't mind at all...

********************************




















(17 Syllables)

Friday, May 24, 2013

can't remember when you last had a date (and walnut?)

*********************************

dieting? - it's a
piece of cake (me, I tend to
go for Battenberg)

*********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

the pussy chaser...

***********************************

"Herpes! Here, boy!" (Damned
dog - always disappearing.
Keeps coming back, though)

***********************************





















('Putting the 'Cur' into Recurring': 17 Syllables)

Monday, May 20, 2013

not got much on tonight, I see...

***************************************

"One swallow doesn't
make an Ann Summers party." -
"Come again?" - "That would!"...

***************************************











(the 'no c*ck and all tail' cocktail parties)










(17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 19, 2013

the learning curve...

************************************

what am I doing right
now? - things I never managed
to do right before...

************************************


















('The Voice of Experience': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 18, 2013

the rebellious stage (the one they keep jumping off)

********************************

'rock 'n' role models'? -
call them 'oxymorons', and
then see what happens...

********************************



















('Not the Sharpest Tools in the Box Office': 17 Syllables)

Friday, May 17, 2013

heads for the chippy...

**********************************

a tosser's night out -
heads: a doner kebab and
10 pints - tails: see heads...

**********************************


















('Once a Tosser, Always a Tosser Doner':17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 16, 2013

itelloni take a minute...

***************************************

craving some pasta
but don't have much time? - open
a cannelloni...

***************************************












('Heads: Square Meal - Tails: Pizza (Round)': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

pre-owned doggies...

*********************************

That bloody dogs' home -
I've just had to return mine.
The bugger was chipped...

*********************************



















('You're Barking, Mate - it's a Microchip': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

well-rounded ones, mind...

**********************************

although I've got a
wide circle of friends, nearly
all of them are squares...

**********************************




















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Monday, May 13, 2013

as he collects his nuts and bolts...

*********************************

is it possible
to withdraw cashews from a
hole-in-the-walnut?...

*********************************






(only nutcases try to withdraw cashews from hole-in-the-walnuts)







('The ATM': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 12, 2013

take it or leave it...

***********************************

when it comes to booze,
those who can't leave it often
can't take it, either...

***********************************



















('Duncan Disorderly': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 11, 2013

when a tool got its kit off...

**************************************

I was on a hot
date, but didn't get screwed - so
got hammered instead....

**************************************











- and the tool shed tears...











('The Toolshed: Putting the 'Awl' into Awl or Nothing': 17 Syllables)

Friday, May 10, 2013

ready...take aim...chat...

***********************************

of course guns can't talk...
(well, except for air rifles -
they shoot the breeze, right?)

***********************************



















(17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 9, 2013

What's that, Lassie? You're hungry?...

********************************

if 'chinwagging's the
telling of tales, is 'wagging'
what tails are telling?...

********************************



















("Tell-Tail": 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

grocer shop - even grosser customers...

**************************************

"three pounds of cheese and
a bag of spuds, please" - "to eat
in or to go, sir?"...

*************************************



















('The Obesity Epidemic Gathers Speed': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

a crack swordsman...

***********************************

that tattoo of a
sword entering your backside -
I can't see the point...

***********************************



















('Count Yourself Lucky': 17 Syllables)

Monday, May 6, 2013

classical requests...

****************************

I'll never hear the
end of it if I don't play
Schubert's Unfinished...

****************************










- nor if I do...











('Friday Night is Music Night': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 5, 2013

word of month...


*********************************

Wow! Not one month of
the year starts with the letter
'S'. (Exceptember)

*********************************



















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, May 4, 2013

"he's not very good yet, is he, mummy?"...

********************************

"Bless you, my child," said
the new Archbishop. "But I
didn't sneeze!" cried Meg...

*******************************



















(17 Syllables)

Friday, May 3, 2013

disabling the able semen...

*****************************

vasectomy? - it's
fair to say it completely
changed my lay of wife...

*****************************



















('Dry Humour (so to speak)': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 2, 2013

a fitted one, presumably...

**********************************

her? a clothes horse? - the
only thing my wife looks good
in is a kitchen...

**********************************



















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

comes with nails and screws, bless her...

*******************************

I'm a self-made man -
but my wife claims I didn't
read the instructions...

*******************************



















('Flat(Pack) Mates':17 Syllables)

Tuesday, April 30, 2013

not a paternal bone in my body...

*****************************

when my wife bore me
a son, I bore her a loft -
then hid there for years...

*****************************




















('Anything for a Quiet Life': 17 Syllables)

Monday, April 29, 2013

the speed of sound asleep...

************************************

"keep going, keep going!" - the
slower you breathethe faster
you're asleep..."run, run!"...

************************************










('fast' is fine - 'dead fast' best avoided)











('The human race: a marathon, not a sprint': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, April 28, 2013

now you see them, now you...still see them...

*****************************

ants can be seen on
margarine...and somite a
termite on marmite...

*****************************

















('Bedsteads & Bread Spreads': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, April 27, 2013

"we haven't a clue," shrug the detectives...

******************************

who in his right mind
would ever want to private
eyes the police force?...

******************************



















('Private Eyes': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

a drinking bout...

**********************************

The first round was Mike's,
so I asked for a punch. There
was no second round...

**********************************


















('Bowled Over': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, April 21, 2013

dinner doggerel...

***************************************

"washed your hands yet, kids? -
it's German Shepherd's Pie...now
then, who wants a leg?"...

***************************************




















('A Dog's Dinner': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, April 20, 2013

death wish...

******************************

great news! pessimists
die earlier! - but I bet that
doesn't include me...

******************************




















(17 Syllables)