Wednesday, July 31, 2013

"I AM bitious!"...

*******************************

"to reach the top in
Formula One, you have to
be driven"  - "by whom?"...

*******************************


















(4-wheel 'drive': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Life begins at 40...

******************************************

middle-age spread's been
here since Roman times - when life
began at XL...

******************************************

















('The Big 40: giving it large - extra large': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 29, 2013

"ah, men!" to that...

**********************************

"if my body is
a temple, how should I make
love?" - "Religiously?"...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, July 26, 2013

I'm leaving you - on the plate...

*************************************

There's nothing worse than
a woman scorned. Well, except
perhaps broccoli...

*************************************



















('You incredible thing, you': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 25, 2013

beer goggles...

********************************

an alcoholic
optimist sees the glass half
full - but not for long...

********************************








- cheers!...










('When temptation is but temporary': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

"***king hell!" (long may he live)


Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sailor,
Rich man, Poor man, Beggar man.....George.







Bugger!16 Syllables...








(I'd been counting on 'Arthur') 





-- the name of William and Kate's son, the future King, is revealed today --

Battle of Britain (the remix)

********************************

"never was so much
owed by so many  to such
a phew" - stink bombers...

********************************


















(17 hopefully not too disrespectful Syllables)

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

beware the off-road sex-drive...

*******************************

don't take viagra
before driving - you'll only
try and mount the kerb...

*******************************


















('A Bit on the Side - the Driver's Side': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Take That? - they're a joke. And here it is...

*************************************

"I saw Take That in
London yesterday" - "Clapham?"
"No, they were lousy"...

*************************************











- meanwhile, elsewhere in London, the eyes of the world may well be focused on William & Kate's 'heir almost apparent', but its legs are off to the pub. Hottest day of the year, if an excuse is needed...











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Roll Call...

Swiss?
"here!"
Spring?
"here!" 
Sausage?
"here!"
Bacon?
"here!"
Bread?
"here!"
Arctic?
"here!"
Toilet?...Toilet?...


..."toilet? - where's toilet?" - "Took a knock, sir - slightly wounded. Lost a couple of feet, sir. Should be back presently".

"Very well. Dismissed".







Two Feet Shorter (Rolls I have known)

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Dire Straits tribute band...

******************************

Liam and Noel -
"the Oasisters" - present:
Brothers (Up) in Arms...

******************************










('Handbags At Dawn': 17 Syllables)




****************************************

Tour de France - a tour de force...

****************************************

with only one day
left, Froome's determined to keep
his feet on the ground...

****************************************

questionable tactics for a cyclist, I would have thought. Still, congratulations to Chris Froome on what appears to be a foregone conclusion...

(17 Syllables - 21 Stages)

Friday, July 19, 2013

The Life and Times of a Couch Potato...

***********************************

Fred's memoirs run to
about three pages - then walk
the rest of the way...

***********************************


















('Just a few Lazy Chapters': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Mr Posnanski at No 42...

*************************************

'One man, one vote'? - that's
fine, I thought - till I found out
just who that man was...

*************************************









         




***************************************      

         THE ASHES URN

***************************************

Twenty 20 is
where the cash is - all the same,
it's not The Ashes...

***************************************


- to earn is human, the urn divine...




(17 Syllable double-header. And the 2nd Test starts tomorrow.)

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

life's a Shi Tzu...

***************************************

you know you're ugly
when you win best of breed - and
you don't have a dog...

***************************************



















('Man, I met this dog last night': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Ben Johnson, Tyson Gay, Asafa Powell, et al...

*************************************

who knew? - I always
thought injections of pace were
allowed in sprinting...

*************************************










- sure are, but not necessarily intravenous, subcutaneous or intramuscular...













('The Need for Speed. Amphetamines, by any other name': 17 syllables)

Monday, July 15, 2013

"at my age," says grandpa, "I'll stick to elderberries"

********************************

"forbidden fruit?...with
melons it's seedy, and with
an ugli? - no, thanks"...

********************************


















('Age-appropriate frolicking': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 14, 2013

a case in point (in lower case and 14 point)

******************************

I've got a rotten
work ethic. I'm constantly
writing rotten work...

******************************





- more of a decomposer than a composer, to be honest...







('Sum Rot Wot I Rote': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And now. for no particular reason, and at no extra cost, a rock ('n' roll) joke...

*************************************
   
What links Granite to
Mick Jagger? - Neither Stone is
easy to work with...

*************************************

('Chiseled Bodies': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Land of Hope and Curry...

************************************

Every Tom, Dick and
Patel thinks Britain's changing.
Can't see it myself...

************************************


















('Harry-kiri - by not just any other name': 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 12, 2013

sound judgement (sound - not music)

*************************************

yes, I loved all the
Spice Girls' records - apart from
the last eleven...

*************************************


















(Give me 17 Cilla Black bles any time)

Thursday, July 11, 2013

going straight - well, I thought I was...

********************************

last night, I was caught
taking the A3 - the charge?
highway robbery...

********************************










- they also said they'd have to take my previous offences into consideration (the week before I'd taken the M1 and the M4)









('Well, if they're there for the taking': 17 Rather Sillybles)

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

down at The Merchant of Venice's showrooms...

**********************************

"Alfa Romeo!
Wherefore art thou? - Juliet's
opting for Portia"...

**********************************










...bugger 4-wheel drive - think sex-drive. Sapphic trapphic, it's all the rage...










('The original Alpha male...and Porsche: a Shakespearean Play - on words': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

cheese/cake...

*************************************************

"you avoided their
traps!" -  "piece of cake," said the mouse,
"they should have used cheese"...

*************************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 8, 2013

paint-free, yes - pain-free, no...

**********************************

I'm a performance
artist - whilst sharpening my
pencils, I draw blood...

**********************************












Talking of performance and artistry (combined with dedication, hard work and sheer bloody-mindedness) - Andy Murray, I salute you. Britain's greatest living athlete. (My friend went into labour at the climax of the final set - and he wasn't even pregnant)









('Even the bluntest of pencils can draw blood': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 7, 2013

sent off! - and in some style...

*****************************************

Jesus handles the
cross...the crowd goes wild...it's a
nailed-on penalty!...

*****************************************


















('The Endgame':17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 6, 2013

vroom with a view - to buying...

*******************************

torque is cheap, but not
when it comes courtesy of
a maserati...

*******************************


















(Full Car Specs: 4.2L V8, 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 5, 2013

keeping up with the times...

**************************************

my kids keep trying to
wind me up - don't they realise
I've gone digital?...

**************************************


















('Happy Families...sort of': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 4, 2013

A Minor problem (or is it D Minor?)

*******************************************

I'm a singer of
some note - but don't know which as
I can't read music...

*******************************************


















(17 Jolly Sillyllables)

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

the taxi rank...

************************************

<STAND FOR 3 CABS> read
the sign. "Why?  - I don't even
stand for the Queen, me"...

************************************











--- Wimbledon  2013 ---
*****************************

"just how many 'serve-
volleys you don't see any
more' can a man see?"...

************************************


...just a few days to go, then we won't be seeing any more of those 'serve-volleys you don't see any more' till, well, next year. 'Confused', Tunbridge Wells.

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

The Stones do Glastonbury...

***********************************

old age: from " please give
it up for The Stones" to "dear
Stones, please give it up"...

***********************************









- mind you, they sure knocked 'Gerry Attrick and the Rocking Chairs' into touch...









('Glastonburial rites? Not quite yet, perhaps':17 Syllables)

Monday, July 1, 2013

my new life coach sets me tough targets...

*************************************************************

        Last night, after watching Bambi, I cried
      for 13 minutes and 32 seconds - a personal 
         best. We hope to get it down to around 
             13 minutes by the end of the year.

*************************************************************









we don't call it 'crying', we refer to it as 'fawnicating' 







talking of which, and totally unconnected...
************************************************************

        Operation Yewtree - the net closes...

                                           
                 I've nothing against
              Operation Yewtree - just
                 not me and youtree...


************************************************************