Thursday, October 31, 2013

foreign climes...

****************************************************************

                     when I set off for
             foreign climes, what I set off
                    is a "whoop!" of joy...

****************************************************************

I'm not sure I'd ever be brave enough to lay down
my life for my country...but I'm a great believer in
baby steps, so I'm starting here by laying down my
pen. Not for my country, mind. Just for my followers.
Both of you. And it'll merely seem like a lifetime (as
far as I'm concerned, anyway). In fact, it'll only be
for the best part of a relatively short time. 12 weeks.
More than long enough for you to not just put that
battered old kettle on, but to save up for and go out
and buy a shiny new one...
So now, without further ado, let's all crack on and see
what else life has to offer. (Starting with a coffee
and dark chocolate rice cake, as far as I'm concerned.)
May the next twelve weeks be twelve of the very best
for us all...

****************************************************************




'foot in mouth' time...

*******************************************

I never mince my
words - which makes it quite hard to
eat them afterwards...

*******************************************



















('Eating one's words': 17 Syllables)

sleazy rider...

*************************************

mounting a woman? -
best ask her if you'll need those
menstrual cycle clips...

*************************************









(getting down and dirty - but not too dirty)











(Bi-cycle n.(fem): the bi-sexual town 'bike'; Buy-cycle: when you have to pay for it: 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

proof reading - as in '43% proof' reading...

*************************************

I'm wasted writing
this stuff. (And so would you be
after eight whiskys)

*************************************



















('Rye humour': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

better a Norfolk broad than an Ipswitch...

*******************************

my girlfriend comes from
Norwich - but her orgasms
come from Fakenham...

*******************************



















(So that's what she meant by 'going to town':17 Syllables)

Monday, October 28, 2013

it's all about the carbon footprint (short-haul)

***************************

to offset my flight
to Cyprus, I planted a
kiss on my girlfriend...

***************************









(as for planting one's seed, that's strictly long-haul)










('A man on emission, that's me': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 27, 2013

the judge's sentence - decidedly mispronounced...

***********************************

"He who is without
syntax, let cast him the stone
first". He tried again...

***********************************


















('Pronouncing sentence': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

003.5 - the half-brother (less of an agent, more of a gent)

********************************************************

"Who are you, pray?" - "The
name's Wand. James Wand." - "Wow! There's a
name to conjure with"...

********************************************************


















('The spitting image of Ian Phlegming': 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 25, 2013

Touched by an angel. Inappropriately...

**********************************************

My guardian angel
tried to soothe me"there, there," she
sighed. "And maybe there"...

**********************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The Christening of Prince George...

**************************************

And here's the Queen, on
roller skates - they're royal blue,
but I think they're Kate's...

**************************************









(the Chapel Royal, no less - so not just any chap'll do)










('Never one to be late': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

when is a collie cross? - when it's left behind...

*********************************

when Poles see Border
Terriers, they want to cross
them - into England...

*********************************









(we're not talking crossbreeding here - not even very crossbreeding)










('Crossing Borders': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

putting the 'ill' into 'still not married'...

*****************************

I'm a single man,
so when I leave hospital,
I leave well alone...

*****************************









 
There's no better way to leave. ('No better' is not the way to leave) 











('Sic transit, Gloria!' - 'Fetch an ambulance, Gloria!': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 21, 2013

obesity: mum's the word, dad's absurd...

**************************************

"Eat nothing fatty,"
said mum. "Eat nothing, fatty!"
said dad. Hate my dad...

**************************************


















('Is a pizza a square meal?': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 20, 2013

from court jester to High Court jester?...

*****************************************

"Forgetting a punch-
line's murder, " I said. "Well, mans
laughter." - "Yeah, you wish"...

*****************************************










(suicide, surely? - after all, it's you who dies on stage)










('Manslaughter, sans laughter...': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 19, 2013

what a couple of donkeys: a cruel (but apt) character ass-ass-ination...

********************************

you don't have to be
an ass to be a Peru
drugs mule - but it helps...

********************************










- with apologies to Melissa Reid & Michaella McCollum (who I fear will now need the courage of their (drugs) convictions to cope with Peruvian incarceration)...










(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 18, 2013

Questionnaire...

***************************************************************

How are you seen by others? Please choose from the following:

A: attractive
Be honest
C: ugly

***************************************************************












****** (17 Syllables) *******

How are you seen by
others?: A: attractive, Be
honest, C: ugly...

******************************

Thursday, October 17, 2013

that'll be a white litote, then?...

****************************

"father, I cannot
tell a litote - although
I'm not against them"...

****************************










(no problems telling a lie, mind)











('A precocious teller of untruths, was the young George Washington': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

I looked her straight in the...

*********************************

"Why don't people take
me seriously?" Jade asked
me. 'Nice tits,' I thought...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

now who's the straight man?...

*******************************

Confucius, he say:
"even funniest of joke
written in straight line"...

*******************************










- putting the 'Wise' into Morecambe & Wise...










('The yin and yang of comedy': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 14, 2013

sexual awakening...

***********************************

"it's spring!" - never mind
the Ides of March, beware the
April to Mayhem...

***********************************










- when a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love (lightly, my arse!)










('Beware the Ides of March': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 13, 2013

everything BUT the ant (of white anthropomorphism)

-------------------(1)--------------------

as the panda eats
shoots and leaves, a scared squirrel
scoffs his nuts - and bolts...

------------------------------------------
-------------------(2)--------------------

as the panda eats
shoots and leaves, a flamingo
warns the birds - and ducks...

------------------------------------------













('Variations on a theme': 17 Syllable double)

Saturday, October 12, 2013

love is...

*************************************

a single rose on
a plate of chips - she stuffs her
face, then licks my lips...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 11, 2013

a well-rounded individual...

******************************

sadly, the greatest
shape I've ever been in is
a perfect circle...

******************************










- though I'll always be an old square in the eyes of my wife...










('A fine figure of a man (even if the figure's a big, fat zero)': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 10, 2013

soft tissue/major issue...

***********************************

if a soft spot's a
cancerous growth, I've quite a
soft spot for racists...

***********************************



















(National Front? - 'National Affront', more like: 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

the flatfish feminist: "my flat, my fish"...

******************************

a woman's plaice is
in the oven - and it's that
that's in the kitchen...

******************************


















Marriage: 'if a woman's place is in the kitchen, then that's the place to stick the witch in' (one-line rhyme crime).

(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Alison Wonderland...

*******************************************

"You know I'm not Israeli?"
Queried Benjamin Disraeli
(Whom the Queen had asked to dine
at Buckingham Palestine)

*******************************************









- "isn't it 'Palice?" wondered Alice..."so hard to know the correct form of address"...










(Meanwhile, Tweedle Dum got even dummer...)

Monday, October 7, 2013

frogspawn: now showing at the amphi(bian)theatre...

******************************

there's a dirty film
on the water - I say 'film',
it's frogsporn, really...

******************************



















('The stuff of wet dreams? Well, not exactly': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

3 (genuine leather) straplines...

***********************************

I'm just 'a writer
ahead of his time'. My watch -
it's a minute fast...

***********************************


















(Go for it! Write now! - Fame! Not right now!: 17 syllables)

Saturday, October 5, 2013

more 'short story' than multi-storey...

***************************

do nosy parkers
like to pay & display in
erogenous zones?...

***************************










-  yes, if they're into 'dogging'...










('Parking meters and greeters': 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 4, 2013

one crack after another...

*****************************************

so sad for Shakespeare's
Bottom...for years, now, the butt -
of so many jokes...

*****************************************











'London Derriere, La Musicale': now on at The Globe theatre - there you are, there's another one...










('A Midsummer Nightmare: The Londonderry Air' : 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 3, 2013

fish course, meat course, damp course...

***********************************

nothing goes better
with a damp cottage pie than
a draughty house wine...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

# 46 - #49 of two ongoing off-line series...

******************************************************************                                   
                      
                              The Tales of i 

(i - an educated eejit, with the letters after his name to prove it: j,k,l,m,n,o...)


*****************************

i wanted to go
down in history, so tried hard
to visualize it............

***********************************


      ...H   STORY
             i


- "well, maybe not that far down," he thought...



**************************************************************


TYPEWRiTER  -   i was the tall, dark, italic type...




**************************************************************

--------------------------------------------------------------



- and, from 'The Book of ideas'...                            

****************************************

Which do you prefer:
"The King and i"...or "The K  ng"?
(The King with no i's)

****************************************


HURRiCANE - the i of the storm - always in the centre...


*******************************************************************




----- AND THE i JOKES GET CORNEA AND CORNEA -----

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

"Anonymous" - by (Anon)

*************************************

I'm calling myself
'anonymous' - which makes this
rhyme eponymous!...
                                      (Anon)
*************************************



















('The verse is terse - and it's getting worse': 17 Very Sillybles)