Sunday, August 31, 2014

GET LOST, SON! (but come back at the weekend)

----------------------

MON      "bye, mum"
----------------------

TUE                lost!
----------------------

WED               lost!
----------------------

THU               lost!
----------------------

FRI                lost!
----------------------

SAT               NAV
----------------------



- welcome back, darling...

Saturday, August 30, 2014

malodorous celebrity fragrances: making the stinking rich [sic]

*****************************************

"Celebs have scents of
humour!" (Well, their perfumes do
smell a bit funny)

*****************************************








- forget those top notes of citrus or ginger - stick to pitch and key, Britney...









('Non-essential essential oils': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

YOU'RE THE PITS!

Talking of celebrities, Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie got married on Thursday. As poster children for our depressing obsession with all things celebrity, calling them the Pitts is now no longer an insult. It's a fact. Every cloud, etc...

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Friday, August 29, 2014

a scholar and a gentleman...

******************************

my wife calls me her
Latin lover - and it's true,
I do love Latin...

******************************







(she says she loves me for my classic good looks books)










('Amo, amas, amat.ter of fact': 17 Syllables)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

STOP PRESS: Wayne Rooney appointed new England captain. (Rooney appointed, me disappointed)

***********************************

Rooney our captain?
The 'Beautiful Game' just got
a bit uglier...

***********************************

OK, so I'm jesting...but on a more serious note: David Beckham, John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Frank Lampard, Ashley Cole, Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney...it's hard to deny that just a cursory glance at the list of off-field 'incidents' involving most of England's recent captains is anything less than a depressingly accurate reflection of where we stand today as a nation. Just saying...

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Thursday, August 28, 2014

a danger to society...

**************************************

I'm a psychopath,
and it's life-threatening. Whose
life, I won't say yet...

**************************************


















('The 'die' of diagnosis': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

spread betting...

**********************************

Thank God I'm in a
jam. If it had been Marmite,
I'd have lost a grand...

**********************************


















('2-1 jam, 7-2 marmite, 10-1 the field': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

I don't do empathy...

*********************************************

I'm an agony
aunt. Some folk are impressed. Those
in agony aren't...

*********************************************


















('Agony Aren't Aunt': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 25, 2014

plenty of room on top...

********************************

I was late getting
dressed, so I told my beret
to go on a head...

********************************


















('Man with Hat Chap with Chapeau...': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 24, 2014

pretty, sick woman; pretty sick joke...

*****************************************

Susan's so lovely:
gorgeous eyes, full lips, great hair,
a cute angina...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 23, 2014

a mature student's syllabus pass, pass, pass, fail...

****************************************

I've just passed in three
subjects: French, Art, English and
Greek. I failed in Maths...

****************************************


















(Raise your glasses:"to evening classes!": 17 Syllabus)

Friday, August 22, 2014

celebrity culture: the moron of all oxymorons...

****************************

scrape the bottom of
the Z-list barrel - even
that's had an implant...

****************************


















('Yet another stupid arse: the butt of many a joke': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Laura Biding, Mrs...

**********************************

I've always believed
in the letter of the law.
"Why?" Yes, that's the one...

**********************************


















('nee Laura Norder':17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

which one makes YOU sick?...

***********************************

TB is spread by
badgers, Marmite by humans.
Not sure which is worse...

***********************************


















('I'm a Nutella man, myself': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Izzie? - well, he is now...

*********************************

Dave's had a sex-change -
and I think he's pulled it off.
Or was it severed?...

*********************************













(17 Syllables Cilla'bles (a one-off - ouch!))

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blast from the past (extracts from V.A.T.H. presents Pun verses Fun, Round One, 1977)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Poem I've Been Itching To Write
------------------------------------------
With his hair matted densely,
He's hated intently,
Each year that he goes to the barber's...
And it's easy to see
What the reason must be:
It's his hair, and the fleas that it harbours.


William Tell (The Story Of A Swiss Roll)
------------------------------------------------
I'm going to the land of William Tell,
With a friend called Iam I know quite well...
I hope to discover
A beautiful lover,
Then back to my wife...but will Iam tell?


Handel's Water Music
---------------------------
The musicians got carried away,
They played far too loud to a fellow...
And it's sadly that I have to say
That the piano was drowned by the cello.


Fruits of Labour
--------------------
Sgt. Pear and Sgt. Lime
Thought the army quite sublime...
Until she joined the Apple corps,
To Granny Smith it was a borps.


Misunderstanding
----------------------
"Tonight, you know, it's steak done rare,"
The Lady Mayoress told the Mayor -
"Alas," he sighed, "official do"...
"OK," she said, "it's cod for two".


Londonderry Air
---------------------
A Frenchman acting "Bottom"
In London's something rare;
They all now sing his praises:
"The London Derriere".


---------------------------------------------------------
"The trouble with inquests," said the coroner,
"is that they're 'why?'s after the event"...
---------------------------------------------------------

------- RETRIEVERS ARE FETCHING -------

---------------------------------------------------------

Is the road to damnation the route of all evil?

---------------------------------------------------------

Stock-car racing: hobby or wreck-creation?

---------------------------------------------------------

"The accused? As good as gold?...Bollocks," 
said the judge, "he's covered in gilt"

---------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 18, 2014

first course, second course, golf course...

*****************************************

which club would you put
into your dream club sand wedge? -
the beanut putter?...

*****************************************


















('Tee-time': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Gullible's Travels: a tale of two cities...


(1)
******************************

We've just returned from
the Parthenon in Athens.
It's still not finished...

******************************




(2)
***************************************

We've just returned from
Venice. The streets were flooded
for the whole ten days...

***************************************








Greetings from London, City of Culture (compensation culture, in these cases): 17 Pretty Sillybles (x 2)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Silly cricket joke: Joe Root's best work is done at five. Which is a pity - the game finishes at six-thirty.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 16, 2014

flat-pack wife (comes with nails and screws)

*****************************************

I love travel and
girls, so asked "Mail Order Brides"
to send me a broad...

*****************************************









(yes, you can call a lady 'a broad' - if being a lady is foreign to her nature)










('M.O.B., in association with Asianwide Building Society': 17 Syllables)

Friday, August 15, 2014

ripping yarns...

*********************************

whilst nitwits are quite
stupid, a knitwit might well
have you in stitches...

*********************************









 










('It's all about the material': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 14, 2014

brides and (someone who) grooms...

**********************************

These days, more men are
having kids in their forties...

...when their wives are out.

**********************************







  










('Rhyme crime (behind closed doors)': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

sound bites...

*********************(1)***********************

               "hale and hearty"

      sound of mind and sound of body

---------------------(2)-----------------------    
     
         "............................."
           
                 sound of silence

************************************************

    
(the latter's more of a 'deafinition,' to be honest)




-----------------------------------------------------------------
                  -o- Silly Cyrus Pop Quiz -o-
-----------------------------------------------------------------
   "How much is Miley worth?"  - "1.609344 Kilometeys"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
              (didn't take long twerk it out, to be honest)


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

cheeky cow...

***************************************

when Chantelle moans "kiss
me where I've never been kissed
before," she means Rome...

***************************************


















('Heading abroad...to kiss a broad': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Great British Bake-Off: do I like Mel & Sue? Sure. They're fun. (Better than Mel 'n' Choly).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 11, 2014

son of a bitch...

*******************************************

"My dad's a boxer,"
I said. "So what?" said John, "mine's
an Irish wolfhound"...

*******************************************


















('Hey, that's the family tree you're pissing on!': 17 Syllables)

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Football: the ninety-second FA Community Shield waste-of-time is being played today.
I wish. Last I heard, it's still ninety-minutes.
Professional football is far from being the so-called 'Beautiful Game'. It's neither 'beautiful' nor a 'game'.
It's a business, and it's an ugly one. And it's come around again far too soon. End of rant.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 10, 2014

the wages of syntax...is death

************************************

Careless talk costs lives.
Call them death sentences. Or
phrases. Or clauses...

************************************


















('Putting the sin into syntax': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 9, 2014

no, a pizza's not a square meal...

************************************

don't joke about the
obese - they've got enough on
their plate as it is...

************************************


















('I've eaten far too mutch [sic - as a parrot]': 17 Syllables)

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Going viral: in this electronic age of ours, could e-bola wipe virtually all of us all out.Virtually.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, August 8, 2014

"is that a flatfish?" - "it is, now"...

*************************************

the fisherman sat
on his perch - "now try and get
away," he gloated...

*************************************


















("Where's the catch?" - "He's sitting on it": 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 7, 2014

where can I find two corner men? (er, at two corner shops?)...

*****************************************

even boxers who
don't have time on their side have
at least two seconds...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables: a round. a bout. 3 lines)

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

breathe in, breathe out, turn page; breathe in, breathe out, turn page; breathe in...

**********************************

a couch potato
struggles with the concept of
an 'exercise book'...

**********************************







                                       










(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 5, 2014

matrimonious acrimonious...

*******************************************

when "drop dead gorgeous"
becomes "drop dead, gorgeous", you
know it's time to split...

*******************************************


















('A bomber of a comma': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 4, 2014

Man United...

**************************************************

"Alex Ferguson?
Who's he?" asked the Queen - "Ma'am, he's
the man you knighted"...

**************************************************

















('Sir Alex Ferguson': 17 Syllables)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Commonwealth Games, 2014:  Glasgowing....Glasgowing....Glasgone.  Turn the lights out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 3, 2014

'I promise to pay the bear on demand the sum of five pounds,' read the notes inside...

*********************************************************

Cried Winnie the Pooh:
"Here's a card from Peru!
With oodles and oodles of money!" -

"I wish you were here,"
(Wrote Paddington Bear)
"But perhaps you could send me some honey?"...

*********************************************************















('Forebears. Two Bears.': 40 Syllables)

Saturday, August 2, 2014

half a loafer's better than none...

*******************************

how many people
work in my office? - about
half of them, I'd say...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, August 1, 2014

taking one for the team...

****************************************

behind every great
man lies a great woman - through
her teeth, if need be...

****************************************


















('Easy lies the head that wears a crown': 17 Syllables)