Tuesday, September 30, 2014

XLIX - L - LI - and counting (on a few more years yet)

*******************************

51's no prime
number - it's a "no longer
in your prime" number...

*******************************








I cannot tell a LI - age is just a number. I wonder what mine would be in Roman numerals?









('Bugger! "XL" used to be my age. Now it's my bleedin' size': 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 29, 2014

how do you make a cake stand? - play it the National Anthem...

**********************************

"June the twelfth and the
fruit of the genus Juglans?" -
Wrong date and walnut...

**********************************








- I'm pretty sure I asked for the fifteenth. Give me a Bakewell Tart, instead...









('Nutty as a fruitcake': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 28, 2014

the horse plough...

************************************

If many hands make
light work, 16 hands should do
it. Just the one horse...

************************************


















(Arable land doesn't mean an Arab'll do it. A Clydesdale's better suited': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 27, 2014

the (in)correct form of a dress...

MICHELIN MAN'S ATTIRE








And I'm a human being. So what?......
*********************************************

Friday, September 26, 2014

it could have done with another 20 minutes...

**********************************

There's nothing wrong with
set meals - or almost set, in
this case. It's jelly...

**********************************


















('Fungi seeks jelly mould. No time wasters': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 25, 2014

always get a quote from at least TWO builders*...

********************************

"ask not what your country
can do for you, ask for a
cuppa every two hours"...

********************************








...*because, at 19 syllables, the first quote may not fit the bill (the bill you'll end up paying)









(With apologies to John F. Kennedy)

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

for 'David & Goliath' read 'Lidl and LARGE'...

**********************************

"Every Lidl helps,"
sighs Tesco. "Helps eat into
our profits, damn it"...

**********************************








(Tesco (motto: 'every little helps') face financial scandal/crisis - UK headline news today)









('Time to take stock' (while they've still got some): 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

(not just any place) mats...

****************************************

There are places I
won't eat. Leeds, for starters. Or
Hull - for any course...

****************************************


















(Then back to mine for pudding on the sofa (the three-piece suite course): 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 22, 2014

a tale of two guys: gross guy and algae...

*************************************

The sea-weed on the
sand. I did, too. (The tide was
out, so never knew)

*************************************








never mind the tide being out, the jury is, too - going against the grain(s): gross, or what?...









(Forget 'hate crime', think 'rhyme crime':17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 21, 2014

there are classified ads - and 1st Classified ads...

*****************************************

For Sale: eight hat stands,
pine. Would suit someone seeking
eight hat stands, pine. Phone...

*****************************************


















('Sorry, not interested, mate. I'm after three pipes, meerschaum': 17 Sillybles)

Saturday, September 20, 2014

revenge is a dish best served cold...

***************************************

Yes, I cook. My best
dish serves six people. My worst
serves six people right...

***************************************









(to be honest, my favourite dish is a wonderful bone china affair signed by 15 of our most celebrated TV chefs. It's what I call my signature dish)









('Haute Quizine: have you guessed what it is yet?': 17 Syllables)

Friday, September 19, 2014

SCOTTISH REFERENDUM RESULT

"NO" news is good news! 

Sanity prevails...

'Salmond'? Little more than a (charismatic and vaguely dangerous) anagram of 'Almonds'.
Nuts, by any other name.

'Nuff said...



Better together - better get some breakfast...




************************************************************************************* 

"Go to town! No, not THAT one!"...

************************************

Yes, there are certain
places I don't like to be
touched. Leeds, most of all...

************************************


















('Beauty spots. Not.': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 18, 2014

Scottish Independence Referendum (with apologies)

***********************************

"One landmass, one land
massturbation!". W*nkers of
the World Kingdom, UNITE!...

***********************************




Sometimes life's just too serious to take seriously...

Apologies for the puerility - I haven't grown up yet - but I firmly believe that anything other than a "no" vote would be a total nonsense. An unmitigated disaster. I wouldn't really go as far as to call all "yes" voters 'w*nkers' (well, not in public) but I would respectfully suggest they take a long, hard look at the bigger picture. The global picture. The universal picture. The car. (Our island would be like a broken fan-belt: united we fanned, divided we stall.)
The planet needs no more artificial, man-made borders, no more divisions, no more areas of potential friction. More than ever, in fact, what the world needs is unity. Furthermore, most voters don't have nearly enough knowledge to be able to come to an informed decision (myself included, but I have no vote).
It's first past the post, so never mind 'winning by a nose', winning by a 'no' would do just fine. Even just the one. It's important. Let it happen.
The United Untied Kingdom? Who the hell benefits from that? The whole bloody idea's madness.
You heard it here first seventeenth.

****************************************************************************************

Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Friday night is music night round mine...

**********************************

"no, tap-dancing on
two tins of baked beans isn't
the can-can, darling"...

**********************************








- nutcase? maybe. 'Fred a staircase'? almost certainly...









(More steps than a Fred Astaircase (putting the 'folly' into 'Folie Bergere'): 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Wonder Woman...

*********************************

"bugger! of all the
superpowers to have, it had
to be 'wondering'"...

*********************************








- "you don't know the half of it," sighed Soup-a-Man... 









('Why me?' she wondered. Magnificently': 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 15, 2014

Pica$$000,000 paints piss-poor passport pics...

***************************************

yes, granddad's heart's in
the right place - it's the earlobes
and eyebrows that aren't...

***************************************


















('Poor granddad, he's all over the place. Well, his face is': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 14, 2014

"sorry, wrong quay," said the piano tuna...

***********************************

bluefish tuna are
pretty rare - and they're even
prettier well done...

***********************************







best with a cheeky glass of white (1/2 gill)
(why aren't gills used any more? - don't good wines need to breathe, too?) 









('Fish lovers do it on plaice mats': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 13, 2014

Pistorius victorious? - what price justice?...

*************************************

Pistorius had
the world at his feet. Shame he
didn't have any...

*************************************








...nor an honest bone in his body. It's hard to believe that justice has been done - one's heart goes out to Reeva's family and friends. What next? A suspended sentence? # it's a sorry world








Sometimes the real world has to break into what is essentially a lighthearted blog. No apologies.

stock-car racing: sport - or wreck-creation?...

*************************************

After dad's ski crash
last Tuesday, he went downhill
fast. On the black run...

*************************************








- nothing like a non sequitur (retrievers are indeed fetching)









('Dad: champion in a parallel universe': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pole to pole - which is tougher: the Arctic to the Antarctic - or gate to gate?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 12, 2014

there's (a bit) mortar life than (a bricks &) mortar life...

***********************************

why build castles in
the air? - I live on cloud nine,
it's so much cheaper...

***********************************








- all breeze, no blocks...









('Un-real estate: seventh heaven - with a 7-Eleven'): 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 11, 2014

snake and kidney python...

*************************************

"snakes can grow up to
fifty feet!" - wow! wouldn't that
make them centipedes?...

*************************************








(it would also make them fast food - very fast food)









('Look, no hands!': 17 Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
So what? Sharks can grow up to 26 feet! (But still can't walk on water)
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

anything bar the baa-becue...

**************************************

carnivores like their
lamb roasted or grilled - vegans
prefer it fondled...

**************************************


















(Alfred Lord Tennyson ordered the venison (that's what the Poet Laure-ate): 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

"have you heard the one about?" (builder's crack)

********************************

what else can I build
but castles in the air? - I've
only got breeze blocks...

********************************


















(We stop for lunch from 12:00 to 1:00 (pie in the sky, usually): 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 8, 2014

it's for you...



          
          





___________"dad's on the line, mum"_             _ 
_____________________________________dad_
___________"...on the middle one"...__________














('Interference on the line - on all of them, really')
-----------------------------------------------------------
I love 3 liners: 
Sea Voyager, Queen Mary
and Cunard Princess... 

I love one liners, too
-----------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 7, 2014

jazz hands & eardrums (make that 'jazz ears & hand-drums')

***********************************

"Look, no hands!" said the
saxophonist. - Wow! So that's
what playing by ear means...

***********************************


















('Trad Jazz (well, not quite so trad)': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Lazenby was OK, but I liked Roger more...

*****************************************

'Leave them wanting Moore,'
thought Dalton, Brosnan and Craig.
Well, they got their wish...

*****************************************


















("Roger Moore: a Bond streets ahead": 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What makes a philanthropist? Tony Blair being declared "Philanthropist of the Year" (GQ Men of the Year Awards, 2014) - that's what makes a philanthropissed. Unbelievabloodyble.
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Friday, September 5, 2014

hotel/brothel sign in the Philippines (true story)

************************************

"Visitors Must Not
Come" - talk about 'no room at
the innuendo'!...

************************************






- a memory of my travels many years ago. In the same hotel/brothel (I was a few years into a ten-year backpacking trip round the world, so penny-pinching was a way of life) there was also a sign stating "No Solicitors". Luckily, it was never a profession that had attracted me, so I checked in. I say "the Philippines", but it might have been Borneo or Indonesia, I can't honestly remember. Too many countries, too many fleapits - but I've never forgotten the two signs that brought a smile to my face. Nor the disconcerting little peepholes I later discovered in my room, gouged out of the flimsy partitions. Hey-ho...








(17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Two-legged Tripods 1 - World War 2 (away win)

*******************************

One thing I can't stand's
a two-legged tripod. War -
that's another one.

*******************************








(if you can't stand two-legged tripods, what price the heat in the kitchen?)










('Things people can't stand': 17 Rather Sillybles x 2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A not-unrelated joke: "How do you make a hat stand?"  -  By playing its National Anthem.
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Wednesday, September 3, 2014

the calling song of a field cricket - not...

*****************************

when the umpire called
"ova", half a dozen eggs
sprang to attention...

*****************************








"relax, kids," chirped mummy cricket - rather loudly...









('All for one, and one-a-ball': 17 Unbelievably Sillybles)

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

don't let the battle of the sexes become the battle of the exes...

**************************************

The wife wears the skirt?
The husband the trousers? - Just
skirt round the trousers!...

**************************************








- where there's a willy, there's a way - round everything...









('Room for one on top': 17 Very Sillybles)

Monday, September 1, 2014

violent agreements...

***********************************

husbands who agree
too violently with their wives
should seek counselling...

***********************************








- and when did these agreements first start?...










('It's that old 'never a cross word' puzzle again': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Caught Ziya Azazi yesterday - no, not the disease, the 'dynamic spinning and whirling dancer'. 
Great music, too. All quite hypnotic. Who knew?...
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