Wednesday, October 15, 2014

up, up - and away in the manger...

I like to arrive at airports
with an hour in hand:
it's cheaper than luggage
and you can pack a lot into it...

...those nice gentlemen in customs will be none the wiser, either. All of which is a roundabout way of saying "I'm off". For around three months. As before, of necessity, radio silence will be maintained for the duration: "greater love hath no man than this, that he lay down his keyboard for his friends"...

Your complete indifference is much appreciated.

Love, light and peace, x

PS: They say that you should never take anything with you that you're not prepared to lose. Good news for my mate Steve. His girlfriend's taking her virginity. Just saying.

Talking of mangers: a very premature Happy Christmas to both of you!

bottom marks...

**********************************

I don't think the cane
improved my IQ - but it
sure made my bum smart...

**********************************


















('Why 'corporal' punishment?- Just the two stripes?': 17 Syllables)

poster pocalypse...

*******************************

"Keep Calm and Ignore
This Poster," it read. So I
panicked. Calmly...

*******************************








(then shouted! - discreetly)









('When confusion reigned - on the people's parade': 17 Syllables)

trying it on in the changing room...

*************************************

"One Item Only,"
read the sign. Well, Jane and I
were - so in we went...

*************************************








"Yes, we're an item. And as for changing rooms - well, they're better than changing partners"...










('Birthday suits, XXL': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

a thing of beauty is a joy forever - this isn't it...

*************************************

this haiku will self-
destruct after five seconds: 
one...two...three...four...five

*************************************








From haiku to blank verse. In five seconds - flat...









('I write...I write-off': 17 Syllables)

they want to go all the way, too...

*************************************

"Men keep coming on
to me,"sobbed the bus. "I hate
being so attractive"...

*************************************


















('Moving people to tears (via Clapham)': 17 Syllables)

in the force - and in their (chemical) element...

******************************

policemen have to
be on their mettle at all
times - and it's copper...

******************************








Cu: copper (not if I Cu first, son)









('The symbol of authority': 17 Syllables)

poetic justice? - well, no, but it does rhyme...

**********************************************

Bugger! I've been tailed...
nailed...bailed...and jailed. Talk about
chryme and punishment!

**********************************************


















('An arresting three lines. Of sorts': 17 Rather Sillybles)

sometimes donors themselves get sick...

**************************************

"You've got an enlarged
social conscience," said the doc.
"Will I give?" I asked...

**************************************








- the words no patient likes to hear...









('How long much have I got?': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
e-bola: an illness for the electronic age. I'm off to The Gambia soon. Maybe it's on my mind.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

what? no route vegetables?...

*******************************

Reaching Spaghetti
Junction, I found a fork in
the road and tucked in...

*******************************


















('Birmingham and eggs. Also tasty.': 17 Syllables)

it's not always ladies first...

************************************

I'm sad to say my
dad beat my mum to death. So
now she's a widow...

************************************








(fear not, no humans were hurt during the writing of these 17 syllables)









('The human race - to the line': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 13, 2014

or was it marmalade?...

*****************************************

In the beginning
was the Word. Then came Fascists
and cornflour, I think...

*****************************************


















('Have you actually read the bible? No, I saw the film': 17 Syllables)

the spare bedroom: a room to go spare in...

*******************************

It's quite hard now my
wife and I no longer make
love. Bit of a waste...

*******************************








 - the only thing I can turn on in bed now's the radio...









(17 Syllables)

a haiku's brief...

******************************

A haiku's brief is
to evoke wonder in three
lines. A haiku's brief.

******************************


















(17 Syllables)

inebriated as a newt...

**************************************

there's one thing that can't
be preserved when pickled - and
that's your dignity...

**************************************


















('Do you mind walking in a straight line, sir? Or along these three lighthearted ones': 17 Syllables)

1 French letter or 4 dreaded letters? - you choose...

***********************************

A beautiful girl
gets laid. - AIDS - A beautiful
girl gets laid to rest...

***********************************








Sorry. A tad serious, this one. No apologies...









('Look before you leap - into bed': 17 Syllables)

platinum: as good as gold - only denser...

***************************************

"Why he insists on
calling me a dumb blonde, I
just can't think". - "That's why"...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

depression: a race to the end...

********************************

sometimes people want
to beat everyone to death -
by getting there first...

********************************








(this blog is primarily a lighthearted one - but, well, sometimes something else slips in. I make no apologies)









('The human race: winning isn't everything': 17 Syllables)

Come round to mine. Guess what? - it's down that cul-de-sac...

*****************************************

cozy tete-a-tetes
in smart pieds-a-terre...now that's
what I call frenchship!...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

lynch mobs: guess who didn't die laughing...

***************************************

traitors who are hanged
for high trees'on put the pun
into punishment...

***************************************








talking of puns: what is the worst type of traitor? - the italic type...









(Do all suspended death sentences contain 17 Syllables?)

more of a euphemism, I'd say...

**********************************

"Meet you for drinks," I'd
said. But that wasn't what I'd
really metaphor...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

there's only one eye in palindrome...

**************************************

the eye: not only
does it look both ways - it looks
the same both ways, too

**************************************


















('There's only one eye in profile, too. The left one, and it's bloodshot': 17 Syllables)

"Ouch! Coming, darling"...

*************************************

when the big hand's on
twelve and the little hand slaps
you, it's time for bed...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)

For Sale: chandeliers, surplus to requirements...

******************************

Over 60? Who
doesn't prefer their Sutra
a tad Kama now?...

******************************








A toast: "to the swinging 60's, and what we were swinging from!" (speaking as someone who's now entered his own, no-longer-swinging, 60's)









('Light entertainment' takes on a whole new meaning: 17 Syllables)

Miss World (it was hard not to)

************************************************

'Twas no surprise Miss
Greece was crowned - her backless dress
was the wrong way round...

************************************************


















('Double exposure': 17 Syllables)

deferred payment...

***********************************

Yes, we went Dutch on
our first date - but, boy, did I
pay for it later!...

***********************************


















('Amsterdamn her!': 17 Syllables)

OAP springs eternal...

****************************

Viagra? - At my
age, all I'd get out of it
is a stiff handshake...

****************************


















('Love goes with marriage, virility with age': 17 Syllables)

the b in my bonnet - is it 'in' it or 'on' it?...

**************************

if the 'b' in 'debt'
is silent, is the one in
debtor no bebtor?...

**************************







Who wants to b in debt, anyway?...









('B quiet?" - "Yes, it is:": 17 Syllables)

Over Andover and Dover again. Not.

*********************************

I always fly one
way to France. In a plane. Is
there another way?...

*********************************


















('Entente Cordiale: the desire for Frenchship': 17 Syllables)

meanwhile, down in the gym...

*************************************

blonde inflatable
dolls are fantastic: dumb belles
really keep you fit!

*************************************








- well, blow me down! (don't you mean 'up'?)...









(I get more out of breath every year (that's inflation for you): 17 Dumbbellables)

Sunday, October 12, 2014

baked beans a l'orange...

********************************************

Some men make their wives
lunch. Others make them laugh. Mine
laughs when I make lunch...

********************************************


















('I don't look that good in a suit kitchen': 17 Syllables)

things that go off in the fridge...

**********************************

mum has to keep her
alarm clock in the fridge - it
goes off otherwise...

**********************************








Mum's out cold. Clock's in cold...









('No sound asleep': 17 Syllables)

your starter for ten...

*************************************

Chef's special? He should
call it "Haute Quizine: can you
guess what it is yet?"...

*************************************








- if that's the starter, I'm dreading the next question course...









(Fluor)essence of je ne sais quoi': 17 Syllables)

material witnesses - choose your material wisely...

**************************

a reliable
material witness is
almost never suede...

**************************








- velcro's not bad, mind (it helps you stick to the story)









('The fabric of society. It can't be swayed': 17 Syllables)

Rice and Curry - a musical feast...

******************************

Tim Curry and Tim
Rice: the musical men on
musical menus...

******************************








- Rocky Horror, Jesus Christ, Joseph, Evita - what's not to like?...









('Putting the 'men' into 'menu': 17 Syllables)

a swell singer, but...

*****************************

Billy Ocean?...what
a misnomer! He's never
been near the high C's..

*****************************








- he tried to get there once, but soon returned to base (baritone, tenor, whatever...)









('Singing in the quay of sea': 17 Syllables)

A verse to cursing. (No, I'm not averse to cursing)

*********************************

"why are your e-mails
full of expletives? - "it must
be the cursor, mate"...

*********************************








"No point swearing? Then I'll just swear pointing" (said the cursor) "It's what I do"...









('It's o and not e - except after t': 17 Rather Sillybles)

sits vac (in amazement)

*************************************

short staffed "Casting Co.
for Dwarfs" urgently seek three
or four more short staff...

*************************************


















("We've searched high and low - low, mostly": 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've always looked up to Warwick Davis (Ewok) - not the easiest thing to do.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

call in the cavalry...

**************************************

do artillery
batteries need chargers? - would
any war horse do?...

**************************************








  









(The knight shift (charging takes a while): 17 Syllables)

a parent in (parent)hesis only...

**************************************

I've been married for
ten years. Three lovely children.
And one ugly one...

**************************************


















(17 Syllables)

behind closed doors...

****************************************

when the sign reads 'DO
NOT ENTER'TAINMENT', you know
it's a private club...

****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

is it "now or never, if you want to be clever"? - er, no...

***************************************

it's never too late
to learn - something I learnt just
a little too late...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

mobile homes...

**********************************

are phone companies'
headquarters found in office
blocks - or app.artments?...

**********************************


















('Not in cell blocks, I trust': 17 Syllables)

I'm a SEMI-rough diamond (ie: always half-cut)

************************************

Why can't rough diamonds
be a girl's best friend? - a girl,
perchance, with (n)opals?...

************************************


















('Do girls with opals have o pals?': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 11, 2014

warning: the following haiku contains flash photography...

**********************************

Sometimes the first twelve
syllables are, well, just that.
Flash photography.

**********************************









- don't say I didn't warn you...










(17 Rather Sillybles)

a musical harmoney that consists of just three notes: £5, £20, £50. Not a tenner in sight...

******************************************

Spinal Tap? Spinal
Crap, more like. And you know why?
Those dire Spinal Chords...

******************************************








- the same spinal chords that can be heard on their bad back catalogue. With emphasis on the bad back...









('Rock, Paper, Scissors: the rock doesn't cut it': 17 Syllables)

car parks are depressing (on so many levels)

****************************************

"People want change!"
scream MP's. Well, mum does - to
feed the damned meter...

****************************************


















('Vincent Hefter, News at Ten, Level 4': 17 Syllables)

On the road again. Well, on the tarmac, to be specific...

******************************

The wife and I are
always falling out on long
car journeys. No doors...

******************************








(Two types of people run out of doors: keep-fit fanatics - and badly-run builders' merchants)









('Cabri Ole!: a convert-a-bull': 17 Syllables)

more best cellar than bestseller...

****************************************

No, ma'am, my works aren't
profound. Just found. I found this
one just yesterday...

****************************************


















('No prose, all cons': 17 Syllables)

Left at the start. Then straight ahead...

**********************************

"I've started loads of
marathons. Finished none of
them," sighed the starter...

**********************************


















('The starting pistol': 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would I like to be an official starter? Yes, I wouldn't mind giving it a shot...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

they're coughing up money, but that's OK...

**********************************************

there's a healthy test
match crowd here today - three cheers
for the N.H.S!...

**********************************************








- it's the batsmen who've got the runs, haha...









('Healthy coffers': 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 10, 2014

India, a hippie haven...

****************************************

to those of you who
want to find yourselves, why don't
you just Goa way?...

****************************************


















('Goa head: get lost. In thought': 17 Sillybillybles)

another girl, another wrongdezvous...

*****************************************

I like my current
girlfriend - but no, she's not "Miss
Right". More "Miss Right Now"...

*****************************************



















('Current generates little spark': 17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------
IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD...
-----------------------------------------------
The best things in life are free. Overdraft facilities, for example.
To help pay for all the other things that aren't...
-----------------------------------------------

a brush with the law (hog-bristled, no doubt)

****************************************

'Fine Artists,' read the
corner shop's card. 'How much' or
'why', it didn't say...

****************************************








- what did they do? Draw salaries? (under false pretences?)









('That'll teach them to paint the town red':17 Syllables)

birthday blues...

*******************************

I'm taking Ben to
Beethoven's 9th tonight. I
hate these kids' parties...

*******************************


















('Music to my ears. Not': 17 Syllables)

one item only (and we are, now)...

*******************************

my boyfriend's so shy,
the only place he tries it
on's the changing room...

*******************************








- and boy, doesn't he try it on! We're talking birthday suits here...









(Changing rooms good, changing partners bad': 17 Syllables)

those elusive high C's...

*****************************

"sorry, luv, wrong quay,"
said the piano tuna, "I'm
looking for the sea"...

*****************************








Gratuitous joke: how does a piano tuna do his work? - with his fish fingers?...









('as the oboe was drowned by the cello...': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Aids...

A beautiful woman gets laid




























...to rest.

It's not just something that happens to other people. Take precautions...

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

stupid dogs - I was trying for a Thursday...

*******************************************

every dog has its
day: Mastiff, FOxhouNd, PooDle,
AlsAtian, GreYhound...

*******************************************







(mind you, with my dogs it's always bloody chewsday)









(Red Letter Day: Barking mad? Maybe. Doggerel? No: 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

life with a dumb blonde - a blow by blow account...

**************************************

'Lolita' really
takes my breath away - it's what
inflatables do...

**************************************








- I blow her up, she blows me away. Simples...









('Dumbbelles do keep you fit!': 17 Syllables)

Monday, October 6, 2014

"this situation viz-a-viz your visa, sir"...

**************************************

Consistency's my
middle name. It drives passport
control up the wall...

**************************************








For 'red tape' read 'very well-read' tape. For 'tape' read 'passport'...










(17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 5, 2014

my gap year...

I went to India to find myself

































...a woman.


Wow, that WAS quite a gap. Well worth it, though...

a relationship with no strings (just rope)DRAFT

***************************************

I'm quite compliant
when it comes to sex. I'm bound
to be. Quite tightly...

***************************************



















("I know she won't leave me. I trussed her": 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 4, 2014

the (spend a) penny whistle...

*********************************

toilet training's great -
I'm training mine to whistle
whilst I s(*)it on it...

*********************************


















('A little potty(-mouthed)': 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 3, 2014

suicide by side...

******************************

Suicide pacts: when
one person beats another
to death. By seconds...

******************************








(Sometimes pieces slip in that are a little less than lighthearted. I make no apologies)









('A dead heat. Well, almost': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 2, 2014

the good die young...

*************************************

I'm heartbroken - my
best friend's just beaten me to
death. She died last night...

*************************************








(Sometimes pieces slip in that are a little less than lighthearted. I make no apologies)









('The human race: it's not first past the post': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

get down from the table and get your just desserts - sorry, just get your desserts...

*************************************

after dinner, we
always leave the table for
the three-piece suite course...

*************************************


















('Jelly 'n' telly - and a satisfied belly': 17 Syllables)