Saturday, January 31, 2015

goes to show: they really don't know me...

******************************************

To many, I'm a
perfect stranger. But they're wrong:
I have a few faults...

******************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 30, 2015

The Page 3 Beauty Page3ant...

 **********************************

The competition
was pretty stiff. And so were
half the men watching...

***********************************


















('The prettier, the stiffer, in fact': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 29, 2015

no woman should be tastier than her food...

*******************************

"there's no point dressing
to kill, honey, if you cook
the same way," I sighed...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 28, 2015

patience is a virtue...

********************************

Our daughter didn't
learn to crawl until two. Or
was it two-thirty?...

********************************


















('Early learning': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 27, 2015

100% commitment to the energy crisis...

*******************************

I've done nothing to
conserve energy. And you
can't do more than that...

*******************************








(or do I mean 'less'?)









('Conserving energy? I've conserved loads': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 26, 2015

"that's cleared that up, then," said the doctor...

*************************************

"Is that true, Anne? Or
do people just think it's true?" -
"I think it's true, Joan"...

*************************************








(snatch of conversation heard on the bus the other day)  









('Putting your money where your mouth brain's never been': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 25, 2015

only contortionists look good out of shape...

************************************

my wife bends over
backwards to make me happy -
but not every night...

************************************








(letting yourself go - it's the best way of keeping fit)









('Flexitime': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 24, 2015

there's no smoke without ire...

***************************************

I started smoking
at twelve. Mum went berserk. So
I stopped at half-past...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 23, 2015

surreal ale drinker...

*****************************************

"New here?"..."Yes, sir"..."Me,
too, mate"..."Right, sir, what'll it
be?"..."Usual, please"...

*****************************************








putting the 'guess' into 'Guinness'...









('Just another inn joke': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 22, 2015

alas and alack, for the lack of a lass (no more Page 3 girls in The Sun?)

*********************************

no, having a broad
on page 3 doesn't make the
paper a broad sheet...

*********************************








From 'Red Topless' to 'Red Top' (yesterday's news: The Sun is said to be about to consign Page 3 girls to history)









('Page 3 girls: less of a turn-on, more of a turn over': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

embarking on a relation-ship...

***************************************

if you want to get
off with someone on cruise ships,
get on with no-one...

***************************************


















('I didn't get on with her, but I do now': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

stiff as a - bored?...

***************************************

I went to bed with
a dumb blonde last night and was
bored. Stiff. Four times...

***************************************








(I'd wanted to f***k make love her brains out, but someone had obviously beaten me to it)









('Dumb and, er, dummer': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 19, 2015

Frankenstein's monster...

*********************************************

when mad scientists
make friends, they tend to make them
from odd bits of scrap...

*********************************************


















(I'm a self-made man myself (and they said it couldn't be done): 17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 18, 2015

getting into the spirit of the game...

**********************************

you have to finish
on a double in darts - mine's
a rum & coke, thanks...

**********************************


















('The Four Tops: tank tops, lager tops, double tops, bus tops': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 17, 2015

great reception guaranteed...

************************

is it true only
a TV chef can create
satellite dishes?...

************************







- maybe, but certainly when 'set meals' means 'TV Set meals'...










('Is jelly a set meal? Discuss': 17 Syllables)

Friday, January 16, 2015

homonymphomaniacs do it aurally...

*************************************

NOTHING annoys more
than a noise - so nothing should
be allowed aloud...

*************************************









Breach of the peace: "come quietly," said the policemen to the lovers on the park bench. "We just have," they smiled...










('Seeing red: how I hate TANNOYS!': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 15, 2015

less of a quote, more of a rough estimate...

************************************

"£2K or not £2
K?" shrugged my builder when I
asked him for a quote...

************************************


















('That's what comes of living in a Hamlet': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

confectionery: fectionery for cons...

********************************

does jailhouse rock have
'Her Majesty's Government'
written right through it?...

********************************


















('Criminal record? No, a bloody good one': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

going down: Ali Baa Baa - the black sheep of the family..

****************************************

"Him? As good as gold?"
spluttered the judge, "balderdash!
He's covered in gilt!"...

****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, January 12, 2015

food for thought (non-vegetarian)

*****************************************

freezing cows sit down,
warm cows stand in the shade, hot
cows taste delicious...

*****************************************


















(17 Sillybillybles)

Sunday, January 11, 2015

---------------------


JE SUIS CHARLIE

---------------------

R.I.P-roaring contest ends in dead heat...

***********************************

neither fighter beat
the other to death - they died
completely in sync...

***********************************

















('A match made ending in heaven': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 10, 2015

poor old dad - he's bought three...

******************************

if marriage is a
lottery, then the tickets
are damned expensive...

******************************


















(17 Syllables)