Friday, July 31, 2015

Formula 1: the winning formula...

******************************

'numerous laps of
concentration + no lapse
of concentration'...

******************************








= Formula Won!...









('A chequered (flag) career': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 30, 2015

3-line car-toon...

*************************************

What did I think when
I broke down on the ring road? -
"Don't get me started!"...

*************************************


















('Road rage': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

100 metres (disg)race...

*******************************

nothing says "drugs cheat"
more than an injection of
pace - before the race...

*******************************








(And we're not talking 'speed' here. Or are we?)









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

100 metres (disg)race: the A and B blood samples...

******************************

A: Amphetamine...
B: AmphetaNOTmine... "I
got away with it!"...

******************************








- thank God it was tampered with!...








('There's always a bit of needle': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 27, 2015

my better half (-hearted)

**********************************

There's nothing my wife
wouldn't do for me. Which is
what she does. Nothing...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 26, 2015

whale arrested for breaching (of the peace)

*****************************

A stranded whale on
a 19 bus? - It's paid its
fare, so why the fuss?...

*****************************


















('Smoking you say? No, we can't have that': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 25, 2015

a backpacker's guide to hostelling...

************************************************************

3-bed dorm..........hey, you got lucky...
4-bed dorm..........pretty damned good...
6-bed dorm..........it'll do, I guess...
8-bed dorm..........a bit of a struggle...
10-bed dorm.........why am I doing this?...
12-bed dorm.........pretty much hell on earth...
Beni-bloody-dorm......aaaaaaaaaarrrrggggggghhhh!

************************************************************







- hostelling: see the world without paying the earth... 








('Costa Blanca's a place for w**kers the somewhat less adventurous': 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 24, 2015

my fiver day (that's all I spend)

****************************************************

The secret of my
great looks? - Good, wholesome food, mate.
(No fruit or veg, mind)

****************************************************








- putting the 'fat' into  'father'...









('Avoiding the grocer will just make you grosser': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 23, 2015

67 + 27 = whatever you want it to be...

*********************************

She's too old for me
and I'm too old for her. Do
two wrongs make a right?...

*********************************








- "Mind the gap!" came the cry.  But we didn't, and we don't...









(Marriage is just a number (a cardinal number, not a cardinal sin): 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

'Hebrew'? - that's Builder's tea, right?...

********************************

I'm good with Numbers -
but really struggle with the
rest of the bible...

********************************








- "Never read it, mate. Saw the film, though"...









('Some subjects are best avoided. Religiously': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cricket: The Ashes..."will Bairstow bat at five or six?" people are asking. The way things are going, I fear he'll be batting at two. Until two-fifteen, probably. Let's hope I'm wrong.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

make sure they can't see the punch(line) coming...

********************************************

if you knock someone
out cold, they'll soon come round - to
your way of thinking...

********************************************


















(Putting the 'fist' into 'pacifist': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 20, 2015

"-les" miserables...

****************************

hell hath no fury
like a haikuist with one
too many syllab... ...

****************************








- bugger!...









'les-less': 17 Syllables. (I wish.)

Sunday, July 19, 2015

an immigration scam (viz-a-viz a visa)

********************************************

Mumm's the word! The sham
bride and her sham groom toast their
"marriage". With sham pagne...

********************************************








- tying lying the knot - with Asti Spumante...









('G. H. Mumm Cordon Rouge Asti Spumante, £8.49 from Can't Waitrose': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 18, 2015

The granny knot. And a marriage (not)...

*************************************

he loves me, he loves
my knot; he loves me, he loves
my knot; he loves me...

*************************************








- sorry, Granny, he's given you the slip knot...









('Tying the...Not This Time': 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 17, 2015

chocolate...

**************************************

if music be the
food of love, then why not tuck
into a few bars?...

**************************************


















('No thanks. I'll stick with Meat Loaf - what a dish!': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 16, 2015

downtime...

*******************************

sometimes it's good to
disconnect and enjoy your
own company('s staff?)

*******************************









- hands-on boss, hands off employees!...









('I do enjoy my own company (Ltd. though it is)': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

and I'm not talking speed here...

*********************************

"My son's on crack now -
it's amazing how quickly
they shoot up these days"...

*********************************


















('He heard all the warnings, but took them in vein': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 14, 2015

the first day of the rest of our lives...

**************************************

I held her in my
eyes and willed her towards me.
"Hi," I said, "I'm John"...

**************************************


















('Love is...': 17 Syllables)

Monday, July 13, 2015

my brother: neither sexist nor ageist - just racist...


...and these are the races he hates:


200 metres,
400 metres,
800 metres,
1,500 metres,
100 metres hurdles,
400 metres hurdles,
5,000 metres,
10,000 metres,
the marathon...





(he's more of a (pretty average) 3,000 metres steeplechase man, bless him)






(He runs rings laps round the field events specialists, mind)

Sunday, July 12, 2015

fast-flowing current a/c...

************************************

if you really want
your cash to flow, just place it
all in H2O...

************************************


















('Liquid assets': 17 Sillybles)

Saturday, July 11, 2015

collateral damage: a bolt from the blue...

*****************************************

"Friendly fire? From a
crossbow?" (Heaven knows what it
does when it's not cross)

*****************************************


















(''The Archers, 7:00pm": 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 10, 2015

when their get-up-and-go has - well, gone-back-to-bed...

****************************

lazy husbands try
to get out of anything
(except bed, of course)

****************************








(lethargy doesn't run in my old man's family - it walks)









(17 Pretty Sillybles)

Thursday, July 9, 2015

I'm already half-baked - so I'm well qualified...

****************************************

"What would you like to
be when you leave college?" "Me? -
a Danish pastry"...

****************************************


















('Low IQ, high fat content': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 8, 2015

"Comment ca va?" - "No comment. Ca va?"...

***************************************

"So you're bi-lingual,
right?" - "Sure am. Whatever the
language, I get bi-"...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, July 7, 2015

luvvie land: the wrap party...

**************************************************************

"Mwwwaaah!...mwwwaaah!" - "Daaaarling! you 
were soooo..........soooo.........." (translation: "you
were very so-so")

**************************************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 6, 2015

"I'm (i)dent(i)cal! - both (i)s are me!"...

************************************

After Joy's cloning,
she found that she was beside
herself with...well, Joy.

************************************


















(17 Sillybillybillybles)

Sunday, July 5, 2015

1) "Why him?" 2) "Why here?" 3) "Why now?" - the Three Why?s men...

**********************************

Confucius, he say:
many people like wise man -
no-one like wise guy.

**********************************











- intelligentlemen, take note...









('A word to the wise': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 4, 2015

I was dribbling before I could walk...

*********************************

I'm a natural
at football, I'm told - a born
placenta forward...

*********************************


















('The midwife didn't slap me, she gave me a kick-start': 17 Syllables)

Friday, July 3, 2015

She's the fiancée. He's the fi(n)ancé...

*********************************

"I'm engaged! - boy, has
that got a nice ring to it!" -
"Expensive?" - "You bet!"...

*********************************


















(The fi(n)ancé: 17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 2, 2015

putting the 'end' into 'fri(end)ship"...

*********************************

if saying goodbye's like
dying a little, how come I'm
dying to say goodbye?...

*********************************


















('The next time you're passing, just make sure you do': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 1, 2015

cops charge battery (for time-wasting?)

*************************************

with just a couple
of leads, cops solve the case of
the dead battery...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)