Monday, August 31, 2015

            "DO NOT ENTER"TAINMENT
                    
                      Private Club


                  - Members Only -

                                


                                     Pin (   )


         

   Laptopless dancers (but they're saving for one, so give generously)

                           OPEN TO NON-MEMBERS TODAY, so peruse on...
                                                      
              (and if you don't know where peruse on, it's on the west coast of S.America)

Sunday, August 30, 2015

let's hope the next day's a rest day...

***************************************

if all the world's a
stage, the Tour de France is one
hell of a long race...

***************************************








"HOW many stages?" - er, 21 (3,360km)









('The peloton...and on...and on...': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 29, 2015

"ouch!" said the joke (I'd nicked it - but I forget from whom)

*******************************

the sharpest way to
razor laugh is to be, well -
on the cutting edge...

*******************************


















('No wonder James Blunt's not funny': 17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, August 28, 2015

Spot the Baldy...

4:15pm: poor old grandad, he's got stuck in the crowd again...

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooxoooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
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ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo


- no wonder he's a little cross...







(the 'little cross' is in the 9th row up, if you don't get the joke)

Thursday, August 27, 2015

my missus' hobby: mister baiting...

*************************************

Someone asked my wife
what I was up to these days.
"Eighteen stone," she sighed...

*************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

can I join now? - I mean RIGHT now?...

********************************

if impatience is
a major problem, why not
join Can'tWaitWatchers?...

********************************


















('Is there a waiting list?': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
100 metres: Bolt beats Gatlin - "Cheetah beats cheater. What could be sweeter!" - Poetic justice? You  betcha!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

forward planning - very forward planning...

*************************************

"You love me? Are you
having me on?" - "Yes...having
you on Tuesday. Please?"...

*************************************








- He: Don Juan. She: don juan to. Well, not on Tuesday, anyway...










(17 Rather Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For One Direction it seems it's all gone west. Not to mention south, north and east...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 24, 2015

to Heidi...

******************************

I was young once. But
once wasn't enough - so I
plan to be old twice...

******************************


















('I want to get it right': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
               - Andy Murray beats Djokovic in Montreal -
Murray may not be one of the all-time greats yet, but his brother
Jamie is certainly one of the all-time quite-goods...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 23, 2015

on the lam - but not for long...

*************************************

Little Bo Peep, you
needn't cry - they're over there,
in the shepherd's pie...

*************************************


















(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Those of you who think Chelsea and their current manager uphold the spirit of
sportsmanship, well you've got a point. Just the one. Manchester City, the current
leaders, have got six. Justice? You betcha!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 22, 2015

a tad do re me fa-fetched, methinks...

*******************************

does a singer break
into song only if she
can't find the right key?...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

two hearts beating as - er, two...

***********************************

Mum loves line dancing.
Dad loves laptopless dancers -
"offline dancing, son"...

***********************************


















('Private club - (flaccid erect) members only': 17 Syllables)

Friday, August 21, 2015

calorie counter-espionage...

**************************************

'Ninety calories,'
it read. I could count only
eighty. "They've screwed me!"...

**************************************







- if a calorie contains 4.18400 joules, and one carrot contains 
41 calories, then how many carats are there in 
the family joules?...









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 20, 2015

from 'Rule, Britannia' to 'Offside rule, Britannia'...

*************************************

Wherefore art thou, 'Great
Britain'? - when did you become
'Celebritannia'?...

*************************************








- from Churchill to downhill: it's now a case of "soccer culture rules, OK" (an oxymoron, if ever there was one...with emphasis on the 'moron', of course)








(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Newsnight presenter Evan Davis made a contentious 'promiscuous gays' comment about Tinder, so many people took a swipe at him. And nearly all to the left, strangely...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

speaking in tongues...

*****************************************

"te amo"..."je t'aime"...
"Ich liebe dich"..."I love you"...
"NO TONGUES! - you promised!"...

*****************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

how many ounces in a Poundland?...

*********************************

if the world's strongest
man's a shoplifter, just how
many can he lift?...

*********************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Britain's Got Talent controversy: how do you make a collie cross? Make a furore about his stunt double.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 17, 2015

let's hear it for open marriages!...

*********************************************

why promise to love, honour and obey
when you can promis-
cuity?...

*********************************************


















(Love, honour and a bay window of opportunity)

Sunday, August 16, 2015

I come from a broken bed...

*********************************

mummy and daddy
separated right after
my conception - drenched...

*********************************


















('Seems mummy married a sweater': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 15, 2015

promiscuity leads to you and I going different ways...






            U <  - - - - - - - - - - - - - -  
                                                                           
                                                                                                 
                                                     
                                                      
              P R O M I S C - - T Y
                                                                                   
                                                         
                                                         
                                                         - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - > I


            


(there is no 'us' in promiscuo'- -')                                                                    

Friday, August 14, 2015

Friday night is "music" night, if you get my drift...

*******************************************

Are men the weaker
sex? No way! (Though mine's a once-
a-weeker. Sadly)

*******************************************


















('If music be the food of love, fancy some Meat Loaf?': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 13, 2015

"Mariachi!" the condemned man cried...

********************************

At my wedding there'll
be a "MarryArchie, Not
Me!" band. (My last hope.)

********************************


















('The Funeral Mar--ch-': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

grumpy old technophobe...

*****************************

of course my wife loves
me - I'm a dinosaur, and
she loves animals...

*****************************


















('Mr and Mrs Dinosaur = Dinosaurus': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

foreplay - on a bed of rice...

*************************************

a vindaloo is
what I gave her - just the thing
to curry favour...

*************************************


















('What a dish, and a bit of a Goa': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 10, 2015

business is bad, then?...

****************************

Just as in business,
a haiku's all about the
bottom line. Hat stand.

****************************


















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 9, 2015

kiddie fiddling in the Catholic Church? - mass perturbation ensues...

*******************************

Everyone knew our
canon was loaded. No-one
knew why he was fired...

*******************************


















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 8, 2015

when she left, I really Mr (x 5)

*********************************************

I've been engaged five
times now. Dad, bless him, calls them
my five near-Mrs...

*********************************************


















('5 Miss-takes': 17 Syllables)

Friday, August 7, 2015

forget 'Eastern Bloc'...

****************

Dostoevsky,
Chekhov,
Pushkin,
Pasternak,
Gorky,
Tolstoy,
Solzhenitsyn,
Nabokov.

****************








...think Writer's Bloc.










(This took me months to dream up. Obviously)

Thursday, August 6, 2015

wow, look at that escarGO! - not...

*********************************

freighters that move at
a snail's pace are little more
than escargo-boats...

*********************************


















('Is "snail's pace" an escargot-slow?': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, August 5, 2015

ashes to ashes, dust to dust...

************************************

hoovers that suck are
no worse than parachutes that
always let you down...

************************************


















('English, it'll be the death of me': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

we punters like a run for our money...

*****************************************

Long-distance runners
run rings round the jumpers. Laps,
I believe they're called...

*****************************************


















('And after the meeting? Hops, kip and a jump. Cheers!': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 3, 2015

groan...groan...groan...groan...groan...grown-up!

************************************

At last! After six
long months of potty training -
the first flush of youth!...

************************************


















('Eureka! Excreta!': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 2, 2015

the wheels haven't fallen off yet...

************************************

our café may not
be Michelin-starred, but we've
had a damned Goodyear...

************************************













('He who is tired of life is...tyred of puns?': 17 Syllables)

(wrought) iron man...

*********************************

I'm a cage fighter -
as of yesterday, I've fought
fifty-four cages...

*********************************


















('My friends call me Nicolas. Nicolas Cage Fighter': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
STOP PRESS: The Ashes: Australia lose at Edgbaston. I'm sure they went all out to win -
turns out they just went (all out). Forgot the 'win' bit.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 1, 2015

the superior sex...

********************************************

"my, how he waffles!"...
she smiled - she knew one kiss would
cut him down to sighs...

********************************************


















('It took a few Krs, but now she's his Mrs': 17 Syllables)