Wednesday, September 30, 2015

Love is...(2)

************************************

greater love hath no
man than this: he lay down his
wine in her cellar...

************************************








(Love? Not really. He lived on the 4th floor, so had no choice. Sorry, and all that...)









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

turn away now...

*********************************

The following line
contains flash photography.
Oops! Too late. Sorry...

*********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, September 28, 2015

the rest of me's Chelsea...

******************************

I've got a club foot.
It wouldn't be so bad, but
the club's Arsenal...

******************************


















('It's only a defect when the club is Arsenal!': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 27, 2015

"pounds, shillings and pensive types, honey"...

***********************************

"Which two types of men
do I admire?" - "Businessmen
and acumen, dear"...

***********************************


















('It's the sagacious who make me salacious': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 26, 2015

when the R.I.P.cord fails...

************************************************************

On Tuesday, August 25, Uncle Tom came down
to earth with a bang...he died instantly, of course,
and went straight back up to heaven...

************************************************************

Up and up he went, ever higher...

   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...
   ...higher and higher...

...until he finally arrived at heaven...

"Hiya!" said the angels...

"Well, bugger me!" sighed Uncle Tom, "surely this is hiya nuff?!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A match made in heaven: Kanye West once had three albums in Rolling
Stone's "500 Greatest Albums of All Time". His wife, Kim Kardashian, is
the proud possessor of one of the "500 Greatest Bums of All Time". You
couldn't make it up. Except I did, but only a bit...(he's just announced he
wants to run for President in 2020). Kanye West, what a bum...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 25, 2015

liar, liar, Spanx on fire...

*************************************

"I haven't gone up
a dress size in fifteen years!" -
(True? Of corset's not)

*************************************








fifteen years of dieting - all gone to waist...







(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Damn! That hurt. Ninjutsu, who need it?...

**************************

in feudal Japan,
many a ninja'd party
hated martial arts...

**************************

















('The injured party': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 22, 2015

Cricket? - or Family (miss)Fortunes?...

****************************************

Miss...Mr.Nother...
Miss...Miss...Mrs.Again...Miss...
Mr.Nother...Miss...

****************************************







We went all out for victory. But went (all out) for 92...









(Bye bye (otherwise known as 'two extras'): 17 Syllables)

Monday, September 21, 2015

historic pubs granted listed status...

*************************************************************************

English Heritage say there are now 21 listed pubs in Britain...
(and I dare say 21 Brahms and Liszted landlords as a result?)

*************************************************************************

it's from my girlfriend: "check out THIS vista, mister"...

**************************************

we send each other
picture postcards - an exchange
of views is healthy...

**************************************


















17 Pretty Sillybles (she pretty, me silly)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"NET MIGRATION HITS RECORD HIGH!" (BBC). Keep those bloody nets out, I say...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 20, 2015

my London derriere ("Danny Boy" to you)

***********************************

Someone pinched my bum
out shopping today. They still
haven't brought it back...

***********************************








- a good lot of fat that'll do them a fat lot of good...









(17 Rather Sillybles)

Saturday, September 19, 2015

the brain: soft, nervous tissue (especially nervous in maths)

****************************

I'm a head teacher -
it's the only part of the
body worth teaching...

****************************








- arms, legs, torso: brainless, the lot of 'em...









(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, September 18, 2015

people thought me asinine - turns out I'm canine!...

***********************************

Dogs can sense fear? And
respond to a human's love?...
"I think I'm a dog!"

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 17, 2015

sex traffic: bad - traffic sex: good!...

***************************************

The man pulled out in
front of me. So I sat up,
thanked him - and got dressed...

***************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

potato-head of state...

************************************

if  'pommes de terre' are
potatoes, might an 'homme de 
terre' be King Edward?...

************************************


















('King Edward potatoes': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Way to go!...

****************************************

I've lost the use of my senses,
I fear they've all gone west -
(Except for my sense of direction,
For that, I think, went east)

****************************************

















(4 lines? Way out of my comfort zone!)

Monday, September 14, 2015

potboilers...

***********************************

do TV chefs get
rich by writing books, or by -
well, cooking them, too?...

***********************************








(do as you would be done by: 1) chef cooks the books 2) taxman grills the chef)









('Catering to popular taste': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 13, 2015

child-rearing...

********************************************

"out of sight, out of
mind": bad mum! - "out of sight, out
of my mind": good mum...

********************************************








K - ds: you've got to keep an i out for 'em...









(17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 12, 2015

she's more than an ex - she's an XXL...

***********************************

she'd feed her body,
but not her brain - my darling
ex, but quite inane...

***********************************








(any resemblance to a living person is purely coincidental)









An XLent 17 Syllables (or 17 Syllables-lite?)

Friday, September 11, 2015

one good(?) turn deserves another...and another...and another...

************************************************

the lights were turned off...
the sheets turned down...and, when she
turned up and turned in,

-----------------------o-----------------------

I turned over...But
what a turn-up!...it turns out
I'm not a turn-on...

************************************************












(17 Syllables + 17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 10, 2015

meanwhile, in a Mumbai slum...

**********************************

when 'another day,
another dollar' is just
a dream - that's hardship...

**********************************








(I'm allowed the occasional less frivolous post)









(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Doris and Edna...

**************************************

"Look! There's a couple
making love!" - "Well, I never!" -
"Don't you, dear? You should"...

**************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

thick as a plank - but not as thieves...

***********************************

"stupid husbands! - when
mine's asleep, I'd rather walk
the plank than wake one"...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, September 7, 2015

stag dos - and stag don'ts...

*******************************

paedophilia,
to a deer, is nothing more
than fawnication...

*******************************








"Is a fawn a little deer?" - "Depends how much you want to pay"...









('Wham bam(bi), thank you, ma'am': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 6, 2015

when every day's a "when?"sday...

****************************

our priest's become so
scatty, he doesn't even
know what deities...

****************************


















(17 Rather Syllables)

Saturday, September 5, 2015

from the richest of foods to untold riches...

******************************************************************

If a calorie contains 4.18400 joules, and one carrot
contains 41 calories, then how many carats are there in
the family joules?

******************************************************************


















No jewels in our family. Just the one little gem - which we're having for tea...

Friday, September 4, 2015

you know it's highly strung, grandad...

***************************************

My grandad made a
parachute jump! (He sneaked up
on it and yelled "boo!")

***************************************








(A reliable parachute will always let you down. Gently.)









(17 Very Sillybles)

Thursday, September 3, 2015

property ladder blues: just a coffee for me...

*************************************

always remember,
son: today's flat white could be
tomorrow's house red...

*************************************








(a coffee today, a semi and a Semillon tomorrow - a man can dream)









('The high Costa living': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

(no) sex in the city...

********************************************

"My girlfriend comes from
West London" - "Feltham?" - "No, she
won't bloody let me!"...

********************************************


















('Go to town? No chance': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

a kitchen with a witchin (sorry, gran)

***************************************

Look who's eating bread
and dripping! "Gran, couldn't you
have found a towel first?"...

***************************************








- forget 'aprés-ski', think 'aprés-shower': it's the stuff of wet dreams nightmares...









('Dripping': the middle-age old-age spread of choice: 17 Syllables)