Sunday, January 31, 2016

is it gluten-free? no - just free...

***************************************

I love stolen cake!
"Don't you mean 'stollen'?" - No, I
nicked it from Lidl...

***************************************








- I've heard of spelt bread. But misspelt cake? - that's new to me...









(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Six rounds of doubles, downing all in front of them? Is that the inspirational story
of the Murray/Soares Australian Open? Or of their resultant celebrations down at
the pub? (Hundreds of shots on court, more than a few off it)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, January 30, 2016

one-night stand...

**********************************

I eyed her up
And I eider down,
And I eider round and round -
Then kissed her cheek...
...a final peek...
And left without a sound.

**********************************















(To Ida Down, my [imaginery] friend)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tuppence Middleton stars in 'Phwoar and Peace'...
"A penny for your thoughts," asked my wife whilst we were watching the BBC's
sexed-up 'War and Peace'. - "Could you make it Tuppence?" came the reply...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, January 29, 2016

Mother & Baby magazine's 60th anniversary...

*************************************

Years ago, babies
had to eat tripe. Now they just
watch it on TV...

*************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Jan 29)









(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happiness is: the difference between making your
relationship last and putting your relationship last...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some models are so thin, apparently, that they talk gibberish.
That's what happens when you're chewing the fat, and there's
none to chew...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, January 28, 2016

did I say 'footballer'? - I meant 'politician'...

*********************************

I've half a mind to
be a footballer. That's more
than enough, I'm told...

*********************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Jan 27)










(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bi-gender, tri-gender, gender fluid or non-binary? Apparently there are now 25 ways
you can describe your gender. I don't know whether to be Miss-tified or Mister-fied.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

a few just words - in just a few (too many) words...

****************************************

Don't complain if obtaining justice
is a fairly long process, complain
if it's an unfairly long one...

****************************************


















(If you can squeeze all that into 17 syllables, you're a better nerd than I am)

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

news item: dog recovers from operation to remove stick from her throat...

***********************************

not only is she
now out of the woods, but the
wood's now out of her...

***********************************


















(True story (punctured tongue, displaced voice box): 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Racism in Hollywood? The Oscars voting committee thanks its lucky stars for some outstanding performances this year. But how come none of those lucky stars are black? Discuss.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, January 25, 2016

size 8, a tiddler...

******************************

Confucius, he say:
he who fishes on ice rink
catches only skate...

******************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Jan 22)









(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Rupert Murdoch to wed Jerry Hall...

********************************************************

So Murdoch, a young geriatric,
Though married three times (that's a hat-trick),
Has found a fiancée,
And it isn't Beyoncé,
But a Texan they'll dub 'Jerry'atric.

********************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Jan 21)








So Nigella Lawson likes to stay in her pyjamas when serving dinner? (News item.) Great idea! Makes life so much simpler: no more meals on a bed of rice. Just on a bed.

Saturday, January 23, 2016

if truth be told...

****************************************

behind every great
man lies a great woman - through
her teeth, if need be...

****************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Jan 20)









(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From 'Ivan the Terrible' to 'Putin the Bootin': plus ca change, plus c'est la
meme chose. Just ask Alexander Litvinenko's widow.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, January 22, 2016

Cheryl Fernandez-Versini split...

*******************************

Does Cheryl's pending
divorce mean the end of a
beautiful Frenchship?...

*******************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, Jan 17)









(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mother & Baby magazine's 60th anniversary: in 1956, babies were forced
to eat tripe, apparently. No longer. Now we just watch it on TV.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, January 21, 2016

yeah, my husband's a 'keeper - but not a keeper...

************************************

do footballers' wives
think 'a match made in heaven'
lasts 90 minutes?...

************************************








(Daily Mail, Jan 15)








(17 Syllables, Gary Lineker divorce.) I'll keep a record from now on. My first submission to The  Daily Mail / The Mail on Sunday......along the lines of "All this talk of Bell batting at 3 was obviously premature. It'll probably be 3:45" (topical at the time)......was around the end of July last year. More than one a week accepted since then - must be around 40 by now. Should have kept a record from the get-go. Mind you, now I'm recording them, they'll stop using them. Hey, a geek's got to do what a geek's got to do (bit tougher when you're an Englishman abroad and often the last with the news, mind).

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

To...

*************************************

Seagulls in the bedroom,
The crashing isn't waves...
The lure of far horizons
Where lies the sleep he craves...

Confined by bricks and mortar,
A heartbeat in a storm,
As dreams of sweet surrender
Embrace your sleeping form...

To soar, yet never stirring,
So near, yet far away...
Awake and share the future,
For love is here to stay.

*************************************

Vincent Hefter (sometime in the 1990's)

*************************************************************

A poem conceived on my travels, many sleeps ago.
I recently stumbled upon it again and reprint it here
as it's a fond memory of a special time in my life...
(embarrassment is diminished by the passage of time)

*************************************************************

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

if music be the food of love...

**********************************

Flautist seeks fellow
orchestra member for some
fun and games. No strings...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, January 18, 2016

a load of (not so) old bull - with chips, please...

**********************************

Aberdeen Angus
are pretty rare. They're even
prettier well-done...

**********************************







- if you don't eat it, then the cat'll...










('The Cattle': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 17, 2016

we should have called him 'Puddles'...

********************************

Tiddles is sixteen
now. High time to put him
out of our misery...

********************************








(how do you make a cat flap? - tell it it's going to be put down)









(17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 16, 2016

isn't multiple choice usually three?...

**********************************

"Work hard, play hard," said
dad. Still haven't decided
which one to go for...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 15, 2016

Child prodigy (1)

****************************************

Our son spoke his first
words at one. "Good Lord, is that
the time?" he burbled...

****************************************


















(17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Child prodigy (2)

******************************

I said my first word
at one. By half-past I was
already walking...

******************************


















("Good Lord, is that the time?" I asked: 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

footie fans' better halves...

*******************************************

"Our better halves? The
second halves, of course - we've had
a few beers by then"...

*******************************************








"A match made in heaven? - any match that gets me out of the house, mate"...









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

the 40 thieves copped it, mind...

**********************************

was  Ali Baba
never caught because he had
an Ali Bibi?..

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Monday, January 11, 2016

pants...

**********************************************

I love your jokey
shorts - don't you mean 'jockey shorts'?
no, they crack me up...

**********************************************









(told you it was pants)








(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 10, 2016

one over the eight...

**********************************

I'm very stupid
when drinking wine: (in vino
veritasinine)

**********************************











('I'll stick to drei Martinis in future. Or maybe four': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
We're now told by Britain's chief medical officer that there's no safe level when it comes to booze. Sorry, mate, not true.  Never fill a glass more than three-quarters full and you shouldn't spill a drop. 'Twas ever thus...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, January 9, 2016

suicide watch...

********************************

my mind's sound enough -
it's the balance of my bank
account that's disturbed...

********************************







the possible consequences of bankruptcy: who needs yet another cents-less death?...









(17 Syllables, Gambia)

Friday, January 8, 2016

my dad's a boxer - me, I'm more of a chihuahua...

*********************************

all-in wrestling's not
for me - I tried it once, and
ended up all-in...

*********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 7, 2016

A* is born. Not.

*****************************************

I went to school once.
Failed my exams, mind. Turns out
once wasn't enough...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 6, 2016

a farewell to Christmas...

***********************************************

The tinsel's been all put away,
And it's now that we're starting to pay...
But we've got no regrets,
For despite all the debts,
We'll be back in the black before...May?

***********************************************























Daily Mail, Jan 6 - might as well keep a record...

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

"you're all nuts!"...

***************************

a psychiatrist
with a nut allergy still
has to hear them out...

***************************




















('Walnuts: nuts who drive you up the wall?': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 2, 2016

Chocs Away!...(as in "put those bloody...

*********************************************

"It's amazing how the odd After Eight
Can so drastically alter your weight"...
("Maybe 'odd' is the key
If you mean 'sixty-three',
For you really should stop after eight")

*********************************************



















Other chocolate thins are available. Apparently...(Daily Mail, Jan 8)

Friday, January 1, 2016

if, on the 1st you don't succeed, sod it...

****************************

I always Knew Years'
Resolutions to give up
on puns never worked...

****************************








But, hey! Eight hours! A personal record...









(My 17 Syllable Perennial)