Monday, February 29, 2016

last will and testament...

**********************************

"Leave them wanting more,"
the comic was told. So he
left his wife £1...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Sunday, February 28, 2016

prick with a fork...

**********************************

"Oops! Now it's just me,"
said the Naked Chef when he
saw the French dressing...

**********************************


















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, February 27, 2016

 *************************************************

My wife and I are always falling out
on long car journeys. Must get those doors
put back on...

**************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 26, Gambia)

Friday, February 26, 2016

the table's reserved, the waiter far less so...

***************************************

"I've booked a table
for two".  "Then you're fours late,
mate - it's just gone six"...

***************************************


















(17 Sillybles)

Thursday, February 25, 2016

********************************************************

If cross drivers are more likely to
have crashes (news item), are crossroads most
likely to cause them?...

********************************************************




(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 25)




------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We check our phones 253 times a day, apparently (news item).
Not me, I don't have one. I've just checked - for the 253rd time...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Near-naked woman woman gatecrashes the Brits with a
star over each breast. That Ant & Dec, they get everywhere...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 24, 2016

French without tears...

************************************

When Jane tried to kiss
me, I soon gave her the rough
edge of my tongue. Twice...

************************************

















(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who better to be 'sworn' in as President of the Professional Cricketers'
Association (news item) than Freddie F****off!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

the 'I don't want to die'chotomy...

***********************************

everyone wants to
live a long time - but who the
hell wants to grow old?...

***********************************

















(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bernie Ecclestone: "Formula 1 is the worst it's ever been" (news item). I reckon
he probably wouldn't even find lap dancing exciting. "What? Just the one lap?"...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 22, 2016

"My sun's over the moon," said Venus...

***************************************

"Why on earth did Jack
become an astronaut?" -  "Where
else could he be one?"...

***************************************








"Mars dead proud," added dad...









(17 Rather Sillybles)

Sunday, February 21, 2016

God knows why...

***********************************

if Muslims pray on
prayer mats, why do Catholic
priests prey on young boys?...

***********************************


















(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Time to join the "Inn" campaign. A quick 4 months of downing pints beats
4 long months of Downing Street any day of the week. Roll on, June 23...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Does the Institute of Advanced Motorists encourage wreckless driving?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, February 20, 2016

5-bed dorm - or Benidorm?...

*******************************

Backpacking's great! (But
Spanish 'all-inclusives' are
more Costa-fective.)

*******************************








Anyway, that's where mama's gone - 'cos it's "chirpy chirpy cheap cheap," she says...









('Robert Dinero'? - is that 'Johnny Cash' in Spanish?: 17 Syllables)

Friday, February 19, 2016

a bent cop - artistically bent...

*********************************

The cop drew his gun.
I was quite surprised at how
good the likeness was...

*********************************




(17 Syllables)




-------------------------------------------------------
I never mince my words, which makes it tough
when I have to eat them later...
-------------------------------------------------------





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 19)

Thursday, February 18, 2016

(not true, not my type - joke purposes only)

*************************************************************************

OK, so I once had designs on Fearne Cotton.
But they weren't a patch on the ones she now has on herself...
(we're talking recently-revealed 'body art' here)

*************************************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 18)





--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lothario Leo, Laura and Roxy: I wonder what Mr DiCaprio enjoyed more -
winning a Bafta? Or the morning afta?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
***********************************************************

For Sale: Spelt Bread, £2:50. Misspelt Bred, £1:85.

***********************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 17)





----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now I've had my fill of coconut water, baobab juice and birch tree sap,
it's time to go down to the beech...(the list of super-drinks grows)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The UK welcomes Muslims who pray on prayer mats, but reserves the right
to deport those who prey on young girls...(following news item today).
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 16, 2016

is that a bookworm at the bottom of the bottle?...

******************************

a page or two of
Tequila Mockingbird and
I'm anybody's...

******************************















(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just joined the National Affront. Or Twitter, as I believe it's called. (Given
half a chance, is there nothing its users don't get their knickers in a twist about?)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 15, 2016

Level 42 (jazz-funk, dance-rock, sophisti-pop, new wave)

****************************************

Level 41?
They were crap. Then they took it
to the next level...

****************************************


















('One-upmanship': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Fry calls the Best Costume Design winner at the Baftas a bag lady.
Given the price of a Louis Vuitton these days, wasn't he just saying she looked
a million dollars? (Other bags are available)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, February 14, 2016

**************************************************************

Here's an idea: instead of no junk food ads during
shows like The X Factor (as proposed), how about no
junk programmes between the food ads?...

**************************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, Feb 14)

Valentine's Day - (female)

***********************************************

The one thing a man thinks he knows is
That women all love to get roses.
As a matter of fact I
Much prefer cacti...
(But sadly they don't come in posies)

***********************************************
















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, February 13, 2016

health cheques...

***********************************

Dad's just off to the
bank to check his balance. He
keeps falling over...

***********************************








(did his doctor advise him to lose a few £££'s?)









(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, I've booked a table for two for Valentine's Day. It's got 6 pockets. I love you, snooker...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, February 12, 2016

Valentine's Day - (male)

********************************************

These strangest of lines I suppose'll
Make do as a sort of proposal...
(If these words that I've made you
Aren't enough to persuade you,
Then maybe this simple red rose'll)...

********************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail (as opposed to Romantic Male?), Feb 12)








(I submitted two, surely the other's better? - see Feb 14)

Thursday, February 11, 2016

****************************************************

Do you need an air rifle to shoot the breeze?

****************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 11)

****************************************************

"I told you it was flipping dangerous," writes Eddie 'the Eagle' Edwards on Shrove
Tuesday (about ski jumping). Pretty much what my wife says to me when I make a
complete mess of tossing a pancake: "I told you it was dangerous flipping"...

****************************************************

(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 11 - heavily edited!)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Say it with flowers," they say. But a monthly £1,200 blooms bill? (news item). Proof
positive, surely, that the House of Lords has more than its fair share of windbags?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

an ever-expanding waist of time...

********************************************

I was working out in the gym
yesterday. It cost me 10p per minute.
That's what I was working out.

********************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 10)










('Beer belly? - gym'll fix it. Not': 26 Syllables) (26? - bugger! the writing's expanding, too)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would a possible cut in the drink-drive limit stop my wife driving me up the wall? - I doubt it. She's teetotal.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

the scenic route...

***********************************

if failure is just
success in progress, then yes,
I'm on the right track...

***********************************















(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For the hapless contestants on 'The Jump', 2016 is turning out to be not so
much a leap year, more a 'not much of a leap' year...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 8, 2016

remembering old flames...

***********************************

you know you're getting
old when a 'hot date' means a
night by the fireside...

***********************************


















('Affairs of the heart(h)': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Actress Tina Hobley dislocates her elbow on 'The Jump' (news item). "Great cast," she
says, looking at her arm. Bet she never said that at Holby City...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Embrace the little things in life, we're told (news item). I do, indeed. The more carats
the better...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doggy IQ tests? (news item). Carried out by barking scientists, if you ask me...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beth Tweddle fractures two vertebrae on 'The Jump' (news item). Where do they film
that show? Brokeback Mountain?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, the 'Shy Di' look is fashion's hottest trend (news item). Any relation to most
of my shirts? (Tie Di).
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, February 7, 2016

Tuppence Middleton stars in 'Phwoar and Peace'...

******************************************************************

"A penny for your thoughts," asked my wife as we
watched the BBC's sexed-up version of 'War and Peace' -
"Could you make it Tuppence?" came the reply...

******************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, Feb 7)









(considerably more than 17 Syllables)

Saturday, February 6, 2016

in-flight meals - Cordon Bleu or plain cooking?...

**********************************

If you're telling a
food joke, tell it with relish.
Home-made, ideally...

**********************************








- especially if the joke lacks taste (as most in-flight meals do)...









(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Newspaper articles about savings have been of increasingly little interest to me.
And it's getting worse: some of the more recent ones have been of negative interest.
Time to stop reading. Or do I mean saving?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, February 5, 2016

missing the nail on the head...

********************************

why are folk so scared
of missiles?- it's the hitiles
that cause the damage...

********************************


















(''Missed again!" They'll probably get a rocket themselves now': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MacDonald's Happy Meals will now come with books (news item).
But as it's still fast food, will kids be expected to speed read?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, February 4, 2016

what's the opposite of 'hands-on'?...

***********************************

I love my baby.
I wouldn't change him for the
world. That's his mum's job...

***********************************








(she doesn't mind the smell)










(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
North Korea is given a rocket by the Pentagon after their latest satellite launch
over Japan. I imagine Pyongyang considers this to be a peace offering...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

**************************************************

A student who went on 'The Chase'
(Whose performance was quite a disgrace)
Ended up winning
And couldn't stop grinning,
Whilst the scholars went red in the face.

**************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 3)








(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a 45 to 59-year-old adult is at his most miserable (news item), a 65 to 79-
year-old should come with the warning: 'beware, adult content'. I certainly am...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I went to an easyFoodstore today. Or was it an easyJetstore? Everything was
flying off the shelves...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Like mother, like daughter. Hate son...

*****************************************

The bell rang. "Show him
up, son," asked mum. So I mocked
his lack of breeding...

*****************************************


















(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now British scientists are being allowed to genetically modify human embryos, how long
before we see fertility clinics with 'Petri dish of the day' offers? It's a slippery slope...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Cameron will today trumpet a 'draft agreement' to keep us in the EU. I'm
assuming that'll turn out to be a typo. I await details of said 'daft agreement'...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, February 1, 2016

**********************************************************************

Apparently, Tesco 'behaved like the Mafia' (Mail).
I'd always wondered about those 'special
offers you can't refuse'...(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, Feb 1)

**********************************************************************

Sarah Ferguson's writing a book about tea,
apparently (news item). Is she hoping a lot of mugs
will buy it?...(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, Jan 31)

**********************************************************************