Thursday, June 30, 2016

allergic rhinitis: 4 i's, and all of them running...

********************************

old wives' tales about
the treatment of  hay fever
shouldn't be sneezed at...

********************************















(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
People are saying serious times call for a credible leader. Only 'credible'? -
Surely 'incredible' is what we should aim for?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Say 'Colin Eccleston' and people probably think 'Dr Who'. Say 'Tamara or
Petra Ecclestone' and they'll probably think 'who?' What a difference an 'e'
makes. Or do I mean 'talent'?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now Russell Brand is reportedly engaged to a golfer's daughter, instead of
playing around with a succession of girlfriends, maybe he can now enjoy
playing a round with his future father-in-law?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

********************************************

"Me, I'm a dung-fu
fighter." - "Don't you mean 'kung-fu'? -
"No, I fight dirty"...

********************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 28)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it irresponsible to sow your wild oats if they're genetically modified?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a new blue wine wine on the market, called Gik (news item).
A word of advice: never mix it with red, it could make you violetly ill...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
England 1 - Iceland 2: so inconsequential the size of Iceland, so
inconsolable the sighs of England...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

*******************************************************************************

As a woman's saviour, it seems to me the main difference
between 'Pepper, the Humanoid Robot' and a knight in shining
armour (news item), is that whilst any knight worth his salt
comes riding in on a charger, Pepper has to plug himself into one...

*******************************************************************************














(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 26)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Returning from imprisonment in Peru, Melissa Reid is described as a 'drugs mule'.
Why 'mule'? I've always thought of such people as complete asses...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a chastened PM prepares to start his journey from Downing Street to downing
pints, at least we know there's no chance he'll pass Nigel Farage going the other
way. I think he'll find it's one-way street...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coffee chain Pret a Manger are to train prisoners to be baristas (news item).
Do newly-released prisoners really want to work in chains?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apple paid only £12.9 in corporation tax last year despite more than £1.3billion
in UK sales. Talk about being rotten to the core...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prince's 'Yellow Cloud' electric guitar sells for £103,000. That's a lot of notes -
but not nearly as many as it's played...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, June 27, 2016

[sic]...as a parrot.

*******************************************************************

The referendum's come and gone, and it's all unravelling:
welcome to the Untied  Kingdom of Great Britain
and Northern Ireland...

*******************************************************************











-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Astronaut Tim Peake may have had only three below-average A-levels, but -
at 250 miles above earth - higher education takes on a whole new meaning...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

calling all Euro 2016 left-wingers and right-wingers: didn't vote? - not to worry...

*********************************

too many crosses
in the box spoilt your ballot
papers, anyway...

*********************************







- bloody hell, ref!(erendum)









(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The inventor of the ballpoint was the Hungarian, Laszlo Biro -
or was that his pen name?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, June 26, 2016

meanwhile, in a polling station far, far away...

******************************

And now Russia's to
hold it's own referendum:
"Putin or Putout?"...

******************************
















(17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 25, 2016

******************************************************************

So what if David Beckham is backing Brexit? -
I want to hear from forward thinkers, not midfielders...

******************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 23)

Friday, June 24, 2016

*****************************************************

Computer dating's great! I've dated two Dells
and an Apple so far...

*****************************************************














(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 22)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Monday, June 20, was the longest day of the year. The England - Slovakia
football match - on that very day - was, by a strange coincidence, also the
longest 90 minutes...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The broadcasting of condom advertisements during an England game is
just not on (news item). Which, strangely enough, was probably the condom
manufacturer's message, too: 'if it's not on, it's just not on'...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, June 23, 2016

EUreka! - it's coming to an end!...

************** (1) ****************

a EUphemism
for 'a bloody waste of time'? -
try 'referendum'...

***********************************









(2) Whatever hopes Boris had of becoming PM (or of Cameron had of staying on) - will the referend 'em? Which will it be?...










(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

*********************************************************************

Watching the dramatic Bob Geldof/Nigel Farage
River Thames showdown the other day, who knew floating
voters could be so passionate?...

*********************************************************************














(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 21)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So David Beckham is backing REMAIN. So what? I want to hear
from forward thinkers, not midfielders...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Budgerigars can be taught to recognise basic grammatical patterns,
apparently (news item). Where, exactly? In a pretty pollytechnic?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a stand-up comedian, I would have made a great footballers:
I've only had two bookings all year...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

stop, thief!...

****************************************

kleptomaniacs
take most things in their stride (if
nobody's looking)

****************************************
















(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I never had a problem with Nigel Farage being the poster boy for Vote Leave - until I
saw the poster...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Good to know that Sir Philip Green now has a £45 million private jet for his ego trips...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is it even more irresponsible to sow your wild oats if they're genetically modified?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, June 20, 2016

************************************************************************

'Adult Content' signs are to be displayed at this year's Royal
Academy Summer Exhibition (news item). And they're not
wrong. Looking at some of the explicit sculptures in question
certainly made this adult content...

************************************************************************














(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 19)

Sunday, June 19, 2016

dysfunctional families...

*****************************

It's Father's Day! ('The
farther the better' if my
children had their way)

*****************************







- not so much a dad, more an increasingly distant relative...








(Absence makes the heart grow fonder (a case of 'the farther the better, the better the father'): 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What an interminable EU debate: politicians seem to be confused between
sound bites and sound arguments. Too many of the former, not enough of the latter...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, June 18, 2016

***********************************************

If your husband brings home the bacon
and puts it in his piggy bank, tell him to
bring home the leg of lamb. Hopefully,
he'll put that in the joint account...

***********************************************













(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 16)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My brother asked me if I knew of any other small carnivorous mammals
apart from otters, weasels, ferrets and mink. I told him not to badger me.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, June 17, 2016

****************************************************

In an ideal world, marriage should turn a
wonderful life into a (plus one)derful life...

****************************************************













(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 15)

Thursday, June 16, 2016

food for thought...

*******************************

weird - all I ever
ate in my salad days were
cakes, chips and kebabs...

*******************************














(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

the film's gripping - and so are we...

********************************

my girlfriend and I
love a horror movie - 'cling
film time', we call it...

********************************















('Gasp & clasp':17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

*****************************************************************

Escort work is like a job in a bar for students,
apparently (news item), Only if customers start asking
for Sex on the Beach, I imagine...

****************************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 13)

Monday, June 13, 2016

like father, like son - hate granny...

***************************************

'Grans an arsehole son,'
wrote my mother. I was shocked!
No punctuation!...

***************************************















(17 Rather Sillybles)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samantha Cameron says Europe isn't perfect, but she doesn't want to walk away. Nor me.
I've booked a flight, it's so much quicker. (She doesn't 'do' politics, I don't 'do' walking)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, June 12, 2016

it's a (one)derful life...

*******************************

even loners should
have a sole mate - even if
it is just the one...

*******************************















('My sole mate': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 11, 2016

*****************************************************************

So Tom Hanks is an expert on typewriters? (news item)
No wonder he's that rarity: the tall, dark, italic type...

*****************************************************************













(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 10)

Friday, June 10, 2016

sex and the settee...

**********************************

having sex on the
brain's not as good as having
it on the sofa...

**********************************
















(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
These days, students regard escort work as no different from getting a job in a bar,
apparently (news item). Especially when customers start asking for Sex on the Beach, I imagine...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, June 9, 2016

**************************************************

When present-day 'A-Listers' pass away,
they get pages and pages devoted to them.
Nelson only got a column...

**************************************************













(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 8)

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

ammo, ammas, ammat: for the love of bullets...

********************************************

What's '9 guns plus 8
guns'? - "Beats me. Not much good at
triggernometry"...

********************************************







- "give it your best shot, then"...








('Love Latin, hate maths': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 7, 2016

they do what it says on the tin...

*************************************************

Sex addicts are, by definition, bonkers...

*************************************************














(32 letters, not one of them French)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Denis Thatcher apparently called his drinks "openers, brighteners, lifters, snifters,
snorters, snorts and snorterinos". I always suspected he was the one calling the shots...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, June 6, 2016

******************************************************************************

I'm sure the PM agrees with Alan Titchmarsh that Downing Street
could benefit from some judicious landscaping : a couple of red
hot pokers outside No 10 (to be used in case of emergency only)
might well come in handy after some less-than-popular legislation.
Those journos can get a bit rowdy at times...

******************************************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 5)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Visiting the Galapagos Islands some years ago I was amazed at the amount of old fossils I
came across. They were just about the only ones who could afford the cost of the trip.
Not cheap.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hugh Grant shouldn't worry about all the 'manshaming' coming his way. Far better to be
remembered for a fine body of work than for a fine body...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, June 5, 2016

forget family trees, think family bushes...

************************************

are blueberries and
gooseberries taught to respect
their elderberries?...

************************************














(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is owning £100,000 Hermes handbags really any better than having bags of fun?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, June 4, 2016

*********************************************

Chopping wood - I just can't hack it...

*********************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 2)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor old Joan Collins: however intent she is on packing light (news item),
a 5-times married woman will always come with a lot of baggage...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, June 3, 2016

venison dim sum meets mum's dim son...

*****************************************

"what's 'venison', mum?" -
"it's deer, son" - "I don't care what
it costs, what is it?"...

*****************************************
















('Venison puffs, by any other name' (make your own jokes): 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shifting hormone levels dictate our choice of fragrance, apparently.
All of which makes perfect scents...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, June 2, 2016

more a genus than a genius, I'd say...

*************************************

there's no fool like a
gooseberry fool - though an old
one runs it close...

*************************************













(17 Syllabubs)

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

agoraphobia...

*************************************

I've spread my wings! (On
toast with butter). Never more
will either flutter...

*************************************














('The reluctant homebird': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Channel 4's 'Embarrassing Bodies' is (not) a rude programme -
about people (not) in rude health...
------------------------------------------------------------------------