Sunday, July 31, 2016

laughter, the best medicine...

***********************************

"To hell with my tumour,
It's time for some humour!"...
(But best make it deadpan
So it rhymes with the bedpan)

***********************************













(Bugger! Is that a tear of laughter running down my pyjama bottoms?)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeing as the new Harry Potter West End blockbuster's set to make so much
money, shouldn't it be renamed 'Harry and the Pot o'Gold'?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Melania Trump is very good at ornamental needlework, apparently. She's
even said to have embroidered her qualifications...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 30, 2016

I wonder if 'Mrs McCartney' misses McCartney?...

******************************

for a romance with
a cheerless ending, buy a
Heather Mills & Boon...

******************************













('The market leaders in romance': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've just finished a matchstick model of my wife. Safety matches,
so it bears a (non-striking) resemblance...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump claims devastation follows Hillary Clinton wherever
she goes. So true. It's all those shattered glass ceilings. Tread carefully,
Donald, you don't want to put your foot in...oops, too late...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 29, 2016

*****************************************************************

It's not fair to say Chris Froome won the Tour de France
three years running. He only ran a little bit...

*****************************************************************













(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 28)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A fragrance that repels mosquitoes, leeches and ticks (news item)?
Sounds like a particularly malodorous watch...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 28, 2016

****************************************************

old wives' tales about dealing with hay fever
shouldn't be sneezed at...

****************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 27)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Debbie, one of the four cloned sheep pictured in the press, looks beside
herself with...well, herself and herself. As for Joy, she must be out of shot...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, July 27, 2016

forget 'microchips', think 'chocolate chips'...

********************************

'Cookies disabled' -
of all the daft phrases, this
one takes the biscuit...

********************************













(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Celebs who erase tattoos about ex-lovers (news item) should do as I do: all my
tatts - and some are quite intricate - are in invisible ink. I don't see the problem,
and, more to the point, nor will your new lover. They won't have an ink-ling...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

**********************************************************

Lanky-panky: two giraffes canoodling.

White-water canoodling: what dolphins get up to.

Wanky-panky: masturbation.

**********************************************************











And as for 'manky-panky', don't get me started!...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stuck on the A20 with no water, and 72F in the shade? No wonder cross Channel
ferries are being boarded by very cross Channel ferry passengers...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Couples who drink together, stay together (news item). And grow together, too:
my better 'half' is now a pint...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trying times, indeed: how come the greater the interest I show in the bank rate,
the more microscopic the interest I receive from my savings account. Is it
possible to break free from this seemingly unbreakable law of inverse
proportionality?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 25, 2016

forget 'Spinal Tap', think...

***********************************************

'Lumbago' - that's our
band's name. We're great! Check out our
bad-back catalogue...

***********************************************














(17 Rather Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So there's to be no blanket ban on Russian athletes at Rio - they can take
as many blankets as they want. They'll need them to hide the drugs,
I imagine...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
According to those in the know, Theresa May hasn't been herself recently.
She's been Maggie Thatcher...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spending too much time with with a girlfriend, both furiously pedalling
static bikes, is a sure sign of a relationship going nowhere fast...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
30p-an-hour 'slave labour' Corbyn T-shirts? If a stitch in time saves nine,
wouldn't a stitch in time-and-a-half be even better, Jeremy? Do you
really want to represent the 'Slave Labour' party?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, July 24, 2016

pretty as a picture - so get the picture...

****************************************

it's rather dear to
go to Towcester - save your dough
and buy the powcester...

****************************************














(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Perpetrators of atrocities who profess to being Islamic are their very
own religion's (perpe)traitors...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The difference between Cherie Blair and Theresa May is that whilst
Cherie could only choose her own furniture once she'd left Downing
Street (news item), Theresa had to wait until she'd moved IN before
choosing a new cabinet!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 23, 2016

going, going, gone...

***************************

Eton mess is that
popular, I've yet to see
an Uneton one...

***************************














('Are you a desserter?': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Going...Going...Gong! Seems many of David Cameron's aides and cronies
were honour promise...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 22, 2016

*********************************************************

I hear Russia is holding its own referendum soon,
with the one simple question: Putin or Putout?...

*********************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 20)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the Labour leadership's a two-horse race now. What happened to the eagle?
Yours, an animal lover...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So much for global warming! I'm getting as many cold-callers now as I ever did...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who need a chicken by their bed to avoid mosquito bites? (news item). I'm hen-
pecked enough in the bedroom as it is!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 21, 2016

it's great! Your money goes further than you do!...

******************************

a staycation: it's
far and away better than
going far and away...

******************************







(the nearest and cheapest - with your nearest and dearest)








(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman sunbathing on the M3? (news item). Maybe she wanted fellow
motorists to check out her spare tyre?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So George Osborne has joined the lucrative US speakers' circuit. What
comes after unspeakably rich? Speakably, presumably...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

(eins, zwei) dry humour - thanks to the towels...

************************************

do all gay Germans
reserve their pool sunloungers
with His and Herr towels?..

************************************














(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What are the chances of Andrea Leadsom wanting to create a nanny state,
now that our PM isn't male?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 19, 2016

yet another contested will...

****************************************

"Who shall inherit
the earth? What the hell did they
ever do for Him?"...

****************************************















('The meek': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not only did any Russian athletes found to have taken drugs cross the line,
the sad thing is, from their rivals' point of view, is that they probably crossed
it in a new personal best...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nursing agencies taking the NHS for millions make me sick. And who then
treats me? Why, agency nurses, of course! They must be laughing all the way
to the blood bank...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't worry, Theresa May - even 'Mother' Teresa was childless. (How much
more might SHE have achieved?)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 18, 2016

domestic violence: thanks a bunch, love...

*********************************

a mismatch starts with
a bunch of roses - then ends
with a bunch of fives...

*********************************















(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did the Commonwealth cheer on hearing Theresa May had decided to
piccaninny as Foreign Secretary?...(to 'paraphrase' Boris)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pricey 'super waters' may not be that super, after all.
Good2Know you can't beat H2O.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I boarded a 37 bus yesterday and it took me past the local cemetery. Does
this count as a near-death experience, or was it merely a trick of the mind?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So sad. Seeing that the original 200-year-old Bramley apple tree's bark's
now infected, it probably really is worse than its bite.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, July 17, 2016

********************************************************************

I see that violinist Nicola Benedetti's boyfriend is a cellist.
Obviously she wasn't looking for a no-strings relationship.
They must have at least 8 between them...

********************************************************************














(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 17)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maggie Mayhem, And Murray's terrier's tome 'How To Look After Your Human'
is obviously full of sound advice. Andy has indeed become the most dogged of
dogged performers...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If nothing else, Jeremy Corbyn's continued survival as the beleaguered Leader of
the Opposition goes to prove that the weak are a long time in (frontline) politics...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If all the world's a stage, I doubt it's one that sees Mark Cavendish involved in a
sprint finish. The Tour de France: tough, or what?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Corbyn, Angela Eagle, Owen Smith - that's quite a short list: short of
charisma, short of gravitas, short of credibility, short of...well, quite a list...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the BBC is making a programme about the young Hyacinth Bucket. Would
that be when she was still Lowacinth?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 16, 2016

another fine mess...

************************************

"Sit!" I screamed at the
dog. Bugger! The bloody thing
spells it with an 'h'...

************************************















(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've left my job as a theatrical set designer. I need a change of
scenery...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Boris as Foreign Secretary? Why not? A perfect fit, seeing as
diplomacy is indeed foreign to his nature...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
I see that Michael Gove was spotted in a bookshop. Was he
trying to put himself back on the shelf?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jennifer Aniston's comments on the 'objectification' of women
would be easier to take if she concentrated more on her body
of work than on her body...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 15, 2016

****************************************************

Why do people refer to the time they gorged
themselves on kebabs and cream cakes
as their salad days?...

****************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 14)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Who are all these people?" asks Frederick Forsyth of celebrities such as
David Beckham and Katie Price. They're members of the new litter-ati:
they write rubbish...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theresa May has no need of kitten heels. Pussyfooting around doesn't
appear to be her style...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Jason Day, Justin Johnson, Jordan Speith and Rory McIlroy don't want
to play in the Olympics, you can't foursome...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 14, 2016

neither vertical nor horizontal (but only when inclined)

*************************************

when ageing stand-ups
lose the use of their legs, well,
there's always sitcom...

*************************************















(Putting the 'sit' into sitcom: 17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our new PM, the daughter of a vicar, may not have been inspired by Jesus
to be a carpenter, but she's already shown herself to be a pretty swift and
effective Cabinet maker...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Australia, an eagle tries to carry off a young boy and fails. In Britain, an
Eagle targets the leadership of the Labour party and...well, who knows if she
can carry it off. Early days...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Unsold at £300,000? I'd have given the shirt off my back for the opportunity
to replace it with Geoff Hurst's...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rory McIlroy seems to have got his impression of an angry young man
down to a tee...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

landlocked...

**********************************

Bolivia: sad
the Land that has two i's, yet
cannot see the sea...

**********************************















(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend's obviously not into politics. I asked her if she was keen
on Grayling. "I don't know," she replied, "I've never grayled"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After Wimbledon, we now have Wim(en)bledon - with rallies involving
one or more of May, Eagle, Sturgeon, Leadsom and Abbott on an almost
hourly basis...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

well, it is a transport caff...

****************************

this café's salad's
so bloody old, it's about
due for an oil change...

****************************















('Then take it to an oil & vinegarage': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
For a certain MP from Towcester, life is, indeed, a rollercowcester...
(Andrea Leadsom stands down)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I think the first question a newly-elected MP asks is "what
platform should I stand on to catch the gravy train?" (Not the platform
for change, presumably)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If I go down to Blenheim's High Park to see our country's oldest oak,
can I combine it with a visit to the beech?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adbomen, bacterai, calcuim...words culled from a medical dyslexicon..
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 11, 2016

the apple of an old potato's eye...

***********************************

Mixed marriages? They
rarely work - just ask Granny
Smith and King Edward...

***********************************







- these things happen when your'e an ageing (but well-connected) apple tart...








(17 Rather Sillybles)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A study claims that employees who make an effort with their personal grooming
earn £11,000 a year more than scruffy workers. I believe that's called a tidy sum...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Any British athlete taking performance-enhancing drugs in Kenya would be crossing
the line. And probably in a new personal best, sadly. Let's hope it's not true...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a talk on drugs, there were questions from the floor. And a few from the
ceiling. Wow, those drugs don't half work!...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a Wimbledon ladies champion goes to the Champions Ball, are court shoes
the order of the day? And, if so, grass, hard or clay? Grass, surely?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It didn't take long to get from Theresa may to Theresa will, did it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, July 10, 2016

never meet your heroes...

*****************************

the only people
without any flaws at all
are perfect strangers...

*****************************















(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So many years' hard work to get the economy back on track. Then along comes Brexit.
And wrecks it...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Theresa May, Andrea Leadsom, Nicola Sturgeon, Angela Eagle: when did party leaders'
mandates suddenly become womandates? Talk about giving the British electorate the
bird. At least we get a choice of birds...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 9, 2016

**************************************************************************************

Apparently, Britons now lose £12 billion every year gambling (news item).
I bet they don't.

**************************************************************************************





(They should have clubbed together to buy a Pica$$000,000,000 or twelve)






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 7)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So it's a straight contest between Mrs May and Mrs Leadsom.
Mr Gove Mrs out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Trying to board a plane with an iPhone 'gun' case? (news item). What an iDiot...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've heard of hands-free phones, of course, but are iPhones in 'gun' cases
more "hands up!"?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are animal rights campaigners up in arms after Fox and Crabb both take a
significant beating?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mrs May is a woman of clout,
And Leadsom? She's in with a shout.
It's a heck of a tale,
For neither is male,
As a chastened Mr Gove Mrs out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 8, 2016

a stiff drink - sort of...

****************************

if you've only got
a Semillon, maybe she's
not that attractive...

****************************















('White wine, red face': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Goats are man's new best friends (news item). So true. I wouldn't go anywhere
without my kids...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 7, 2016

hear no evil, speak no evil, giggle...

**********************************

"How are you?" I asked
the deaf-mute. He replied in
invisible ink...

**********************************















('I can't see your answer, but I can see your point': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sterling's fallen yet again. (If it's Raheem they're talking about, then
it's probably simulation...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

less is more...

********************************

I've never had a
single grey hair in my life -
I've always had loads...

********************************














(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Husbands who fly first class, with their wives in economy (news item). "How
on earth do they get away with it?" you ask. Well, they don't get away with it
on earth. Just in the sky...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

pin (---)

*****************************

giving someone
a blow job is having a
taste of things to cum...

*****************************







- sorry, vicar (who, I note, is now a rector)








(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And they say a week is a long time in politics! 30 days hath September, April,
June and November. Let's hope May gets a bit longer! (If elected, of course.)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
£60k to clone a pet? (news item). I'd rather clone myself. I'd literally be beside
myself with Joy (my dog).
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 4, 2016

ever the businessman...

******************************

when it comes to pay
for all my sins, will I get
a discount for cash?...

******************************















(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elaine Paige says being stubborn is the key to success. People have been telling me that
for years, but I refuse to believe them. "Great!" they say, "now you're getting it!"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, July 3, 2016

antisocial media...

*******************************

are people obsessed
with their iPads, iPods and
iPhones iDiots?

*******************************














(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Donna Air had wanted to lay any ideas of pretentiousness to rest, she should
have used the opportunity afforded her by Celebrity MasterChef to cook
her very popular signature dish. Who doesn't love a Donna Kebab?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Prince Harry is forsaking dairy (news item), I take it he's giving up on his
search for la creme de la creme of British society and is prepared to settle for
someone less privileged?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doesn't Leonardo DiCaprio realise that, when it comes to green campaigning,
'going the extra mile' is exactly what you shouldn't be doing? Someone should
tell him that holding his Annual Gala in LA (not St Tropez) would be a miles
better idea. 12,000 miles better, in fact...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 2, 2016

sometimes the breadwinner's, well, just that...

********************************

never marry a
vegan, darling - he'll never
bring home the bacon...

********************************







(if we had some bacon, we could have bacon and eggs - if we had the eggs)








(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Corbyn? Any relation to Jemima Pedalbyn? Both full of rubbish...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After all these shenanigans, could a Michael Government ever be trusted?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 1, 2016

My mate's an adonis. Me, I'm more of an an adonisn't...

****************************************

it's not getting on
with girls that's my problem  - it's
getting off with them...

****************************************














(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A major study now claims that butter is not that bad for you. Spread the
word! As thickly as you want...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sexual double entendre is 'misread' less by women than by men,
apparently (news report). Do women get frustrated when they don't get it?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judy Dench's new wrist tattoo translates as 'seize the day'. A silver bracelet
ensures it rarely sees the day...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------