Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Cannibal spies Trump (in a rather weird dream)

**********************************

"Donald, duck!" Too late.
The hunter's got his shot in -
he'll eat well tonight...

**********************************












('Donald a l'orange': 17 Rather Sillybles)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I always wondered what a pretty successful business model would look like.
Well, I need wonder no longer. It looks like Gisele Bundchen. Pretty, successful,
and a 35-23-35, £23.3m a year model. Seems my having a head for business
will never match her having a body for it...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems there's no such thing as an ex-ecutive at Southern Health NHS Foundation
Trust. You're just moved sideways...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You're barred," said The Rose & Crown's landlord. First it was Tom, then Mick,
Pete, Ian and Steve. Now me. "Trust you to jump on the banned wagon," said
my wife...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

she sure knows how to party...

***************************

if no man is an
island, then Ibiza's one
hell of a woman...

***************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do you never mince your words, Jeremy Paxman? You're often forced to
eat them later, so those such as "peevish valetudinarianism" would be far easier
to swallow. Minced.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Briton is more likely to die by any other means than to be murdered, writes
Bill Bryson. Terrific, but that's more than can be said for the English language,
which is, like, murdered on an almost hourly basis...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I, too, go to bed naked (news item). What's more, checking my diary, I don't
seem to have anything on for the rest of the week, either...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 29, 2016

************************************************************

Staycations: when it comes to holiday destinations,
what could be better for your nearest and dearest
than going to the nearest and cheapest?...

************************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 28)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rather large mark-up on Paul Hollywood's own range of kitchen
gadgets can mean only one thing: the dough in his current account is
almost certainly rising as healthily as it is in his ovens.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's being suggested that it's time to draw a line drawn under the war
on drugs. Well, my only advice is to make sure it's not a white
one - heaven knows how many people will try and snort it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 28, 2016

as disaster movies go, it went...

***************************************

As a film, Airship
Down never matched the success
of Watership Down...

***************************************







(the producers had found it very difficult to get off the ground)








('Like a lead balloon': 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lady Antonia Fraser's advice to public speakers is to dress up, speak up and
shut up. And to those who engage the speakers? To cough up, presumably...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Bryant & May matchmaking service...

*********************************

if ever a match
was made in heaven, it was
when Swan met Vesta...

*********************************













(17 Syllables)

Friday, August 26, 2016

*********************************************************

When graffiti artists start getting jail sentences,
you know the writing's on the wall...

*********************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 24)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm all for delayed gratification, but who doesn't want a
funeral to die for?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
You surely didn't go all the way on the floor, Mr Corbyn? It's not
what Virgin passengers do...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
How ironic: seen to be wearing "an incorrect form of a dress"
enables someone to be labelled "a stylist"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Beware the Big Brother bin police, gran! (news item). As far as
she's concerned, 'recycling' means having to use a bin pedal...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 25, 2016

Pound(the streets)land...

************************************************

"Dad's a door-to-door
salesman"...What does that mean?..."He
sells odds and sods - off"....

************************************************














(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pizza Hut's got a new special: order an extra-large pizza now and get a half-Eton
Mess a few minutes later...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I get the fact that vegans don't bake with eggs or milk, but are they allowed to
read anything by Lamb or Bacon?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men WILL do most of the chores - but in 50 years! (news item). A woman of
infinite patience, my wife has already started to draw up a list...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 24, 2016

but they'll still keep an ion them...

********************************

92%
of atoms arrested by
the police aren't charged...

********************************













(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drivers hit by new insurance rip-off. How fast were they going at the time?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Usain Bolt goes clubbing in Rio (news item). How many girls are now
claiming to have pulled a fast one?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can knock insurance companies as much as you like, they won't care.
After all, they hate to get acclaim...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can Greg Rutherford really go straight from Team GB to Strictly Come
Dancing? Bit of a leap, I would have thought...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since I've gone up in the world, I seem to have lost my street cred. Getting
a fair bit of mews cred now, though...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 23, 2016

*******************************************************************

'Guess who's really pulling Theresa May's strings,' wrote
Dan Hodges last week on page 35. The question didn't go
unanswered for long. Pages 40-41 revealed it to be Gerry
and Sylvia Anderson's puppeteers...

*******************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 21)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Will the new method of ranking offences lead to 'the long arm of the law'
gradually being reduced to a 'Crime Harm Index Finger' being wagged at us?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Auntie Beeb some sort of strange fetishist? It kept telling me Emily Diamond's
leg was tremendous. What about the rest of her body? Very disconcerting...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Can't stand your sober self? Better, surely, than having a non-sober self who can't
stand?..
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 22, 2016

***********************************************************

Taek..."WON!"..."doh!" My heart goes out to Lutalo
Muhammad, losing his taekwondo final in the very
last split-second. Still a champion, in my eyes...

***********************************************************












(Rio, 2016)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
National Lottery customers are indeed Britain's unsung Olympic heroes
(news item). And I've always been one of them. For any number of
reasons. Well, any number but the one I've always needed to complete a
winning line...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Staycations: far and away better than going far and away...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 21, 2016

an adieu to the Olympic Games...

***************************************************************************

What a great all-round athlete my brother is! He won the 100m
three years running, the trampoline championships twice on the
bounce and the lightweight sculls four years in a row.
Didn't quite win the diving, but hey, he made quite a splash...

***************************************************************************












Farewell, Rio...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"June 18, 1815," she said, "Battle of Waterloo". That's the last time I ask an
historian for a date, however attractive I find her. Don't they ever switch off?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Don't complain if your doctor can't speak English. I'm grateful mine
hardly speaks a word. He'll never be able to pronounce me dead - well, not
so you'd understand him, anyway...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 20, 2016

cordon sacré bleu...

**********************************

when "Boil in Bag" is
the content, not the cooking
method, shop elsewhere!...

**********************************













(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judging by the standards of today's low-rent reality shows, if you
can spell the word 'celebrity', you're probably not qualified to be one...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Growth in beards boosts high street (news item). My wife hates
mine. Guess I'll have to take it on the chin. "Or off it," she suggests...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cindy Crawford's daughter lands cover shoot at 14. A bit early,
surely? Seems to be a case of 'shoot first, ask questions later'...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hospital staff set to strike...over a TV (news item). "Screens, nurse!"
takes on a whole new meaning...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone bet me I couldn't go past an oasis without taking any of
its water. "No problem," I thought. Then I bottled it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, August 19, 2016

***************************************************

Victoria Beckham claims it takes her five
minutes to apply her make-up. Really? How
long did it take her to make that up?...

***************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 18)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only 12% of Paralympic Games tickets sold? The prices must be crippling...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr Nosey from Whitehall, so what if I'm one of the clupper asses
born with a silver spoonerism in my mouth? It's never stopped me being
a wood ghurka...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear BBC, see what happens when you airbrush Tess Daly's face? You
get an airhead...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the new film version of Swallows and Amazons, Titty becomes Tatty.
As a loyal Ransome fan, I shall now have to get my own back by
boycotting the film. Never has the term 'tit for tat' been more appropriate...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that Phil Edmonds' business methods are coming under severe
scrutiny, it's maybe time to see if he's still any good at spin...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 18, 2016

stage school...

******************************

"Never work with kids
or animals," they say. Bad
news for teacher's pet...

******************************













(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I believe in good old-fashioned courtesy. I wish my MP would give up his
seat to a lady. Any lady. But preferably the one standing against him...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tom Daley, Jack Laugher and Chris Mears haven't made much of a splash
at the Olympics, presumably. How else to explain their unprecedented
success?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

S(T)ALE!...

*************************************

"BREAD - 50%
OFF!" (No problem, I'll just buy
the other half, then.)

*************************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Olympics can be so frustrating. We're doing well, but how many more
forthcoming events will GB be coming fourth in?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the likes of George Osborne and Tony Blair believe in free speech, why
do they charge so much for one of theirs?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
On his train journey from London to Newcastle last week, was a seatless
Jeremy Corbyn practicing taking questions from the floor?
(good practice for when he loses his seat in a certain other place!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"You can't make a coffee and cheese omelette last for hours," wrote Bill
Bryson 20 years ago. Four hours is nothing now. You can't move for all-
day breakfasts these days...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

he'll be playing the clubs next (the ones in his bag?)

*************************************

Mike's impression of
a golf ball was great - he'd got
it down to a tee...

*************************************












(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham claims it takes her five minutes to do her make-up.
Really? How long did it take her to make that up?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New £3,000 linear shockwave therapy is said to prevent erectile
dysfunction (news item). Isn't that a little stiff?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian Botham hit 60 this week, apparently. How many of those were in
boundaries?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 15, 2016

a drinker's guide to sport...

************************************

if football's a game
of two halves, then cricket's at
least an eight-pinter...

************************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I heard there was now a free bar on some BA flights, I was pretty excited.
Little did I realise it was a chocolate one in lieu of a second meal...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was surprised to hear about Steve Redgrave walking off set after a row with
John Inverdale. I thought he had stopped rowing years ago...
(the men's double numbskulls comes to mind)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 14, 2016

underwater football's sure caught on...

**************************************

20,000 Leagues
Under The Sea? Wow! Are teams
allowed to use subs?...

**************************************















(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alastair Cook says his worst trait is 'picking his nose'. I beg to differ.
Continuously picking inferior opening partners is infinitely more annoying...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Alastair Cook says his worst trait is 'picking his nose'. Then why not leave
it to the England selectors? Or doesn't he trust them to pick the right one?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Cambridges never pay for anything in Mustique (news item). So what?
I've never had to pay for anything there, either. No hotel bills, no restaurant
bills, no fishing trips, nothing. Not yet, anyway. Maybe that'll change if I
ever get to go there...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 13, 2016

******************************************************************

Was that glitter on Mark Carney's face at the Wilderness
Festival last weekend? Or did I detect a little gilt?...

******************************************************************













(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 11)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No wonder I hate shopping in the British aisles. Some supermarkets are
apparently chillier than the Arctic Circle in places...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A rhea running loose in Wales? (news item). It wasn't called Dai, by
any chance?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What, a housewife need do hardly any work by 2050? (news item).
Seems my wife has decided not to wait that long...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At last, the perfect solution for people who can't hold their drink: the
claw grip (news item).What a godsend!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman's work is never done? For sure my wife's isn't. Not a scrap...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, August 12, 2016

****************************************************************

The only people with no flaws are perfect strangers...

****************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 10)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hooray! Regular exercise can beat disease (news item). I beg to differ. Going
to the local gym and seeing so many bodies to die for just makes me sick...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hooray! Regular exercise can beat disease (news item). I presume regularly
exercising one's right to be a slob in the local gym doesn't count?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have to be driven to reach the top as a policeman. But probably not by
the same chauffeurs who drive those who have already got there...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 11, 2016

it's your own fault for being a stupid aerosol...

************************************

when a graffiti
artist gets jailed, the writing's
on the wall, all right...

************************************








(but they'll soon get it off!)








(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, Yorkshire folk aren't slow in coming forward! We'd only known
each other for a few minutes before my new neighbour said I could
ask her 'owt. And she wasn't even my type...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"My girlfriend's so, so pretty, so, so funny, so, so wise, and so, so
caring". "How are are getting on with her, then? "So, so"..
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Background artistes love a crowd scene. 'Extra time', they call it...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 10, 2016

let's hope it doesn't rub the critics up the wrong way...

********************************

My dad's just written
a thriller called 'Static'. It's
a work of friction...

********************************













(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some people will go to any lengths to achieve their dream. Adam Peaty
needed only two to make us all proud...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Offering the Legion d'Honneur to the editor of the Financial Times?
Isn't that taking frenchship just a little too far?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Let's hope Daley winning a bronze and a gold contributes to GB winning
a bronze and a gold daily...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who'd want to be a footballer's better half? As far as he's concerned, it's
whichever half his team scores in...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

at one with his machine...

*******************************

What did the moped
rider do when he suffered
a puncture? He moped...

*******************************













(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is Charlie Gilmour, adopted son of Pink Floyd guitarist David, the only man
to take the plunge twice on the same day? Not only getting married, but then
leaping naked into a river with his new Mrs?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mascara and highlighter gel on horses? Lippy and blusher on Gordon Ramsay?
I always suspected Mr Ramsay was a bit of a show pony...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Was that glitter on Mark Carney's face at the Wilderness Festival? Or did I
detect a little gilt?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 8, 2016

***********************************************************

Wow, Pippa Middleton's conquered the Matterhorn!
Not bad for a social climber...

***********************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 7)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dentists sure are getting their fair share of bad publicity at the moment. No wonder
mine always looks down in the mouth. The thing is, it's my mouth, and it costs me
a fortune...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was very surprised to read in the papers that Jeremy Corbyn is strapped for cash.
Where does this take place? In some handy Westminster S&M dungeon? Are
Labour Party whips involved? Just when you think you know somebody...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ian Botham writes about the grouse on his plate having had a better life than the
chicken on mine. Chicken? What chicken? All my wife ever does in the kitchen is
make me duck. "Missed again!". She's got a hell of a temper on her...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, August 7, 2016

"if it ain't broke, don't fix it," right?...

***********************************

"I'll start watching my
figure," says my wife, "when I
see no-one else is"...

***********************************













(A watched kettle (must be pretty hot?): 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ofsted chief calls Isle of Wight residents poor, inbred, criminally inclined and
ill-educated. "F**** Of"sted," came their reply. Well, if it didn't, it maybe should
have done...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, August 6, 2016

Man United v Man City...

***************************************

who needs marriage? - a
match made in heaven's between 
two great elevens...

***************************************













("My better half? The second half, usually": 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Who'd want to be a professional footballer's better half? As far as he's
concerned, it's whichever half his team scores in...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I turned down the thermostat last night. Told it I was already spoken for...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, August 5, 2016

equal rights - the fight goes on...

**********************************

"I'm getting tired of 
all this feminist sh*t!" (Don't 
you mean "womanure"?)

**********************************












(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cancer survivor wins £61m (news item). Never has anyone been more
grateful for such a large, non-malignant lump sum...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whilst the Daily Mail's Olympic pullout was a much-wanted supplement,
the Russian athletes' pullout was down to unacceptable detected ones...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do UKIP, the Labour Party and certain dairy products have in
common? When things get too heated, they tend to split...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doubtless having got wind of the EU drive to kill off invasive animals, a grey
squirrel at the bottom of my garden hurriedly grabs some nuts and bolts...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 4, 2016

*****************************************************************

Talking of child geniuses (Meet The Smarties),
I, too, should be on the list. My parents couldn't believe
it when I started reading Plato at twelve. Mind you, I'd
put it down by quarter-past...

*****************************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 3)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife is one of the many who insist on making love in the dark (news item).
She hates to see me enjoying myself...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In biblical times, animals were once led into an ark 2x2. This week, two dogs
were dragged along by a 4x4. Does this represent the evolution of man?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One in four Labour supporters who signed up to vote could now be barred
from having their say in the leadership contest (news item). You know it's a
tough contest when no quarter's given!...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

********************************************************

Couples who drink together, grow together: my
better half is now a pint...

********************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 2)
("Couples who drink together, stay together," Daily Mail)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to give up sausages and eggs for Lent. Now I'm told I have to give
them up for lentils...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The latest coffee trend, 'blue latte', should come with a health warning. I
tried it once after a glass of red and was violetly ill...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

***************************************************************

Apparently, HMRC can keep us waiting up to 47
minutes to get through by phone. So now they're even
taxing our patience...

***************************************************************












(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 1)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, 15 minutes of good, hard laughter a day enables you to
lose 4lb of excess weight a year. By laughing your head off, presumably.
Well, half of it, anyway...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do hospitals that ask patients to pay 4 times the cost of a cataract
operation enjoy robbing them blind?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 1, 2016

a cheap dae out...

*************************************

"Let's have a sundae
and make a day of it!" (change
the 'e' to 'y', then!)

*************************************













(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex-change men to give birth on the NHS? Whatever next? 'His'terectomies?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Maybe Luke Aikins, who chose to free-fall down to earth from 25,000ft,
misunderstood the expression 'a reliable parachute always lets you down'...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------