Friday, September 30, 2016

3 fishing lines...

**************************************

'Damn, I'm hooked,' thought the
cod. 'If they don't throw me back
in, I'll be gutted'...

**************************************













(17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 29, 2016

forget lap dancing clubs - think 'half-lap' dancing clubs...

*******************************

Only Usain Bolt's
fiancée can really claim to
have pulled a fast one...

*******************************













(17 Rather Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't live my life by a plot," says Noel Edmonds (Mail). But I'm pretty sure
he would do if he hadn't gone and lost it...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I may have a heart that's older than I am (news item), but my doctor says I'm
great for my age. "You've got the mind of a ten-year-old" were his exact words.
It all balances out...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife, too, has 'That Coat' by Zara. But I've found out to my cost that
painting the town red invariably requires more than one coat...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 28, 2016

no pyjamas - just a railway tracksuit...

**************************************

railway sleepers made
of balsa are easy to
wake - they're light sleepers...

**************************************













('Existing in a parallel universe': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
GPs get £400m a year to treat patients who don't exist (news item).
"The doctor will see you now," said the receptionist to the invisible man.
I always thought that was a joke. Turns out it's not...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If football is 'the beautiful game', then beauty doesn't so much lie in the
eye of the beholder as just plain lie. How about transferring this moniker
to squash, golf or tennis?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I recently bought a startup beekeeping kit. And I was badly stung - to
the tune of about £500...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 27, 2016

it's not something you're going to shout about...

***********************************

The b in debt is
silent (as are those who don't
want to b in debt)

***********************************











(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"What does Prince Charles actually do?" - "He's a waiter" - "Really?" -
"Yes...67 years old, and still waiting"...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Project For A Door? The Turner Prize has long been the butt of people's
jokes. This year the joke's on us, it seems...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So sad to hear that Beef Wellington is being given the boot. I shall miss
walking into a restaurant and asking if they have it in size 6...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely the 16ft high male buttocks now on display at Tate Britain
should be called 'Project To Adore'?...(it's titled 'Project For A Door')
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I think maybe he was too indecisive," says Sam Allardyce of Roy
Hodgson. Make your mind up, Sam. Pot, kettle, black, and all that...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, September 26, 2016

tu es anglais?...

**********************************

"Water, water," smiled
the Frenchman. (He only had
Eau-Level English)

**********************************













(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just as love goes with marriage, so eyesight and hearing go with the passage of
time. But, at 76, Prue Leith is proving that there's no reason why anything else
should. There's hope for us all...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that a sperm bank has launched a smartphone app to help women find
potential donors, 'sex app.eal' takes on a whole new meaning...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Kate's main concern when meeting the Canadian PM and his wife is the
correct form of a dress. We've all been there...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 25, 2016

****************************************************************

Maureen Lipman portrays Nigel Farage as a frog in her
book of  cartoons featured last week. Well, she picked
the right amphibian, because if there's one thing this
straight-talking politician ain't, it's a toady...

****************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, September 25)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like Kate Winslet, my grandad likes his turkey jerky (news item). Me, I prefer to
wait a week or two. Eating something in its death throes is not to everyone's taste...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's no surprise that 'Judge' Rinder was so good on Strictly. It's what judges do:
they try, try and try again. Bound to get it right eventually...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I hear that a suspect has been arrested for taking over 3,000 photographs of Pippa
Middleton. I've taken a few myself. Am I to expect a knock on the door?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 24, 2016

*********************************************************************

Everyone says great champions such as Mo, Laura, Jason
and Andy will be hard acts to follow. Nonsense. Thanks to
Facebook and Twitter, you can follow anyone these days...

*********************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 23)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It was reported last week that the BBC regards Chris Packham not as a
regular presenter, but a recurring one. The landlord of my local was devastated
when I told him that, as of now, I would no longer be a regular at his pub...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 23, 2016

*******************************************************

My brother's a lumberjack. Such a nice feller...

*******************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 22)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Horses really can be taught to 'talk' (news item). Mine already does, sadly.
Bit of a nag, to be honest...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did the Duke of Windsor have a love child with a seamstress? Could be.
He always was a bit of a sew-and-sew...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 22, 2016

ask me 'owt, love...

*****************************

asking Yorkshiremen
anything is not the same
as asking them out...

*****************************







"I think she likes me"...








('English as a foreign language': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dawn chorus? Fish sing it, too (news item). "Yes, but not always in the
right quay," the piano tuna informs me...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The dawn chorus? Fish sing it, too (news item). In a desperate attempt to
reach those elusive high C's?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

***************************************************

Music being the food of love, I'm surprised
Pippa Middleton didn't include Meat Loaf in
her 'foolproof recipes for romance'...

***************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 21)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Which Blair Project is next in line now he's shutting down the secretive
money-making empire that's made him almost as much as the film itself?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With due respect, I shall continue to blame my genes for being overweight.
But not the 'fat gene'. It's the 'lazy gene' that's the problem. Why else is it
that the only thing I ever exercise in the gym is my right to do nothing?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

post-coital, and still touchy-feely?...

*****************************

I thought she might like
a hair of the dog - so I
pawed her a bit more...

*****************************













(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do celebrity 'eco-warriors' who bang on about greenhouse gas emissions
undo all their good work by going the extra mile? And in their private jets, too...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'The Scream' by Edvard Munch was used to illustrate an article on night terrors
recently. When I tell my wife she looks as pretty as a picture, that's the picture
I mean. No wonder I, too, have nightmares...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, September 19, 2016

they still look a bit flushed, if you ask me...

************************************

if saveloys are
cured pork sausages, then why
do they still look sick?...

************************************













(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women are worse than men when it comes to beer goggles, apparently
(news item). Is that the subtle difference between looking at members of
the opposite sex and looking at the opposite sex's members?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are the new Ugg/Teva open-toed boots the uggliesteva?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 18, 2016

there must be amoral here somewhere...

*************************************

Yes, I'm morally
bankrupt. But I'm hoping they'll
discharge me next week...

*************************************






(I've bunged the Official Receiver a tenner, that should swing it.)







(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, it's true, this country has long been famous for its terrible teeth
(news item). Why else do British dentists always look down in the
mouth? The mouth they look down in is invariably British...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sympathise with Liz Jones. "To go to town" means to do something
enthusiastically. Must be hard if the town's Richmond...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 17, 2016

*********************************************************

A drinker's guide to sport: Football: a game
of two halves. Cricket: a game of seven or eight
pints. I know which I prefer...

*********************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 16)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You report that there's an 18-carat toilet at the Guggenheim at the moment.
Can I use it for Flushing Meadows?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 16, 2016

*********************************************

If diamonds are a girl's best friend, do
those who have opals have no pals?...

*********************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 15)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the doghouse, pup that ate £2,000 sofa (news item). Don't all pooches
have a suite tooth?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife also had a bee venom facial recently (news item). And boy, was
she stung - to the tune of over £350...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 15, 2016

once a knight, always a knight, twice a night, and...

*******************************

My dream is to make
love to Keira Knightley. Or
weekly, if she's game...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 14, 2016

not going bust is just as important as having one...

*******************************

models don't just need
a head for business, but a
body for it, too...

*******************************












(Pretty (tick) Successful (tick) business (tick) model (tick) required: 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mel 'n' Sue are leaving Bake Off. Cue strange feeling of mel 'n 'choly...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that Ofcom has endorsed sex on the telly, how about bringing back
a revamped 'Lust of the Summer Wine' for us oldies?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham describes her family as a 'travelling circus'. Certainly
the only one with a surgically-enhanced big top...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham describes her family as a 'travelling circus'. Two
clowns doth not a circus make, Victoria...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 13, 2016

"I'll give you a hand," I said. To myself.

*****************************

Jane went out last night,
so I had to try for a
baby on my own...

*****************************











(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seeing as the new plastic £5 notes can survive being put through a
washing machine, should we expect an increase in money laundering?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An official review suggests 50 MPs may have to give up their seats. Not to
women, I trust. Wouldn't want to upset the militant feminists...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Queen's major allegedly snorts powder off ceremonial sword. A tin foil,
presumably?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the PM gave Jamie Oliver the cold shoulder, he probably took one
look at it and thought 'pork fried noodles, 20 minutes, dead easy'. Who
says he doesn't make a meal of it when he's snubbed?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, September 12, 2016

knights in white satin...

********************************

I don't like nighties -
all I want my wife to wear
in bed is...me out!

********************************












(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Victoria Beckham is bringing back anorexia chic? No guesses as to what
'Britain's Next Top Model' will win this year. A lucrative contract and atrophy...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The 'b' in debt is silent. So, sadly, are some of the CCJs obtained against people
in their absence. No-one wants to 'b' in debt, especially unknowingly...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No disrespect, but who else would treat a bad back with an oil-filled doughnut?
Kati Basti? She does, indeed, sound like a nut with too much dough...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's great to see new faces on the telly. Same old actresses, of course. Just brand
new faces. The wonders of Botox. I always thought ageing actresses complained
when they got less lines?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do I sleep like a bear or a dolphin? (news item). Like a dolphin, as far as I'm
concerned. I've tried many remedies, but none have been fit for porpoise...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 11, 2016

welcome side-effects...

***********************************

Viagra sure helps
the brain. I can now solve the
stiffest of problems...

***********************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why did Alan Johnson have a problem with the acronym 'PENIS'?
(Department of Productivity, Energy, Industry and Science). He is, himself,
a long-standing member of the Mother of Parliaments and should be able to
rise above such nonsense...Yours in all innocence, etc...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"People in love shouldn't wear clothes," Elizabeth Jane Howard tells her
lover Kingsley Amis. I couldn't agree more. All I want my wife to wear
in bed is...me out.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whether or not it works, 'cupping' certainly seems to be all the rage these
days. It's not really my cup of tea, to be honest, but I'd certainly rather be
cupped than mugged.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Kew laughter...

*******************************************

"What's the best way to
get to Kew?" - "You walking?" - "Yes" -
"Good. That's the best way"...

*******************************************













(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'60 stranded overnight as winds buffet cable car' (news item). Without wishing
to make light of it, my dyslexic friend wondered why 'Vince Cable suffering
from wind in a buffet car' was news...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
All I have to say to those refugees trying to board lorries to cross the Channel:
yes, you're now going to have to contend with a four-metre high wall blocking
your way. Get over it. (And I'm sure they'll try)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know what? Those new 2.75in tall 'micro mobiles' mentioned in last week's
paper may not be to everyone's taste - but they're just the job for small talk...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 9, 2016

***************************************************************

"We need to get this party started," says Keith Vaz. He
might well have added: "before this bitter leadership
battle brings it to a swift and ignominious end". It's
always politics with Keith...

***************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 8)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Is anti-bacterial handwash behind the rise of superbugs? (news item). How long
before estate agents start boasting about their anti-bacterial properties?
Sometimes clean-living can be taken just a bit too far. Nothing wrong with a
few germs to boost the immune system...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Petula Clark soothes pre-gig nerves by ironing, apparently (news item). Not the
sheet music, I hope. Some of her notes did seem unusually flat the other night...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Never mind the action scenes, I suggest Aidan Turner uses his body double to
hang around on the set for him between takes while he himself nips down to
the pub. Filming can be a tedious business...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 8, 2016

******************************************************

Talk about pressure! An assistant referee's job
always seems to be on the line...

******************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 6)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Knowing what we now know, Keith Vaz probably enjoys being Fleet Street's
whipping boy just a tad too much...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Could it be that Prince Charles is suffering from 1st and 2nd Class Post-
traumatic stress disorder at the very thought of the increasing use of Twitter
bringing about the demise of Royal Mail?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 7, 2016

************************************************************************

Shame on you, Bill Bryson, for not mentioning Glenelg's
greatest(?) claim to fame. It is, to the best of my knowledge,
the northernmost palindrome in Great Britain. Whichever
direction you approach it from, it is equally enchanting...

************************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm morally bankrupt, but I'm hoping to be discharged next month. I bunged
the Official Receiver a tenner...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A spokesman for Vincent Hefter today denied reports of a budding romance
with newly-single Taylor Swift. (Sow the seeds, you never know!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman describes an amatory approach by Sir Nicholas Soames as "like a
wardrobe falling on you with the key sticking out". She seems to be
confusing a fat man with a tallboy...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

the missing ink...

************************************

most footballers get
tattoos - the less brave tend to
ask for a transfer...

************************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
'Yours for £100, a Nazi loo roll' (news item). Unused, of course. Which
doubtless explains why its previous owner was called a brownshirt...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When Helen Baxendale and her husband named their children Nell
Marmalade, Eric Mustard and Vincent Mash, they didn't half make a
meal of it...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, September 5, 2016

not fit-for-porpoise...

*****************************************

sorry, we've got no
mermaids, could you make do with
some blow-up doll'phins?...

*****************************************













('Surfing the net for doll fins': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
You can make love, said my wife. But I ignored her. Which is why I didn't
make the finals of The Scrabble World Championships. 7 points for vole
doesn't get you far...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Looks like Ed ball's going to have a whale of a time on Strictly. A beached
one, sadly...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 4, 2016

*******************************************************

If nothing else, taking a staycation means your
money will certainly go further than you do...

*******************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 2)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that police can have tattoos, just how long would PC Bloggs's 'long arm
of the law' have to be to accommodate the lengthy sentence he might wish to
impose upon it? (And doubtless in Sanskrit)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Neighbours' fury as observation deck at Tate art gallery lets visitors peer into
their luxury flats" (news item). Perfect opportunity for a Tate-a-tete, I would
have thought. Maybe that's the problem...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a comedian's material was as flimsy as that of a female professional dancer's
dress on Strictly, he'd be laughed off stage. Without the laughter, of course...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 3, 2016

or a bad odour cologne?...

***********************************

What can I wear that
repels mosquitoes, wasps and
ticks? "A smelly watch?"...

***********************************













(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A CD of songs specifically for cats? (news item). Not for my 2 year-old
tabby, apparently. It seemed more interested in the paws button...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Ten reasons you get earache" were listed in last week's paper. I was
surprised you omitted the number one reason. Have you met my wife?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 2, 2016

**********************************************************

I'm a cage fighter. I've fought 17 cages to date...

**********************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 1)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
School is a place for children to excel in. Not to be XL in, which seems
increasingly to be the case. Food for thought is good - but not too much of it...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 1, 2016

now's not the time, obviously...

*****************************************

"What's your favourite
Michael Jackson song?" - "Beat It" -
"Hey, I only asked"...

*****************************************














(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Christopher Stevens believes today's TV comedy scriptwriters are pretty much
murdering the genre. Murder? That's a bit strong. Man's laughter? Guilt as
charged. They're not that bad...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------