Monday, October 31, 2016

so clever a daughter, I wonder who taught 'er?...

*********************************

"Are these grasshoppers
or crickets, dear?" - I didn't
know. But Katydid...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 30, 2016

followed by stollen cake? or the police?...

******************************

If you steal a Big
Mac are you a shoplifter -
or a hamburglar?...

******************************











(17 Very Sillybles)

Saturday, October 29, 2016

***********************************************************************

"Cancer!" said the doctor. But I wasn't worried - it wasn't a
death sentence. A sentence needs a subject and predicate...

***********************************************************************












(17 Syllables)

Friday, October 28, 2016

Thomas Cowell & Sons, Purveyors of Lamb to Her Majesty the Queen...

*****************************************

Little Bo Peep's lost
her sheep and doesn't know where
to find them. I do.

*****************************************










(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------
This one is the comedian Sean Lock's:  
--------------------------------------------
Old Ladies' Knickers
------------------------
 Rose's are red, 
Violet's are blue,
Enid's are white...
----------------------

Thursday, October 27, 2016

think tanks...

****************************************

Scuba divers  are
deep thinkers. Then they come up
up with good ideas...

****************************************












(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

the British Isles'tay here, thanks...

**********************************

Terrorism means
more staycations. Our hotels
are making a bomb...

**********************************











(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

without a stain on his larynx...

**************************************

how can a judge clear
his throat when he doesn't know
what the charges are?...

**************************************












(17 Syllables)

Monday, October 24, 2016

*********************************************************************************

I'll say this about dietitians: they sure hate to see food go to waist...

*********************************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 21)

Sunday, October 23, 2016

emotional wreckage...

***************************

The AA breakdown
service: for recovering
alcoholics, right?

***************************












(17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 22, 2016

the house husband...

****************************************

"Who the hell takes an
hour to make a bed?" - "A damned
fast carpenter, love"...

****************************************












(17 Syllables, back in Gambia)

Friday, October 21, 2016

************************************************************************

Poor old Boris. He makes a good case for Brexit. Then Wrexit.

************************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 19)

Thursday, October 20, 2016

***********************************************

Lanky-panky: two giraffes canoodling...

***********************************************





(white-water canoodling, wanky-panky and manky-panky unprintable, sadly)





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 18)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bangladesh v England, 1st Test: if Bangladesh win, as seems likely, will
England accept the result, or will they do a Trump?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Family planning clinics are being closed due to local authority funding cuts,
apparently. Shouldn't that read 'funding less cuts'? Seeing as vasectomies
have fallen by two-thirds in a decade...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

no point beating about the Bush (he was another one)

*****************************

If Trump wants to be
a dictator, well he's half-
way there. He's a dic...

*****************************









(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jeremy Paxman rails against the tendency of previously desk-bound news
presenters to stand up these days. It seems the exact opposite applies to comedy:
more and more stand-ups are now turning to sitcom. Funny, that. (See "Josh")
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating sausages and bacon may be a migraine risk (news item). You're telling me!
I get a headache just thinking about the exponential and well-publicised rising
cost of a full English these days...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, October 18, 2016

sleeping partners...

*******************************

of course I enjoy
your company, dear - I'm a
major shareholder...

*******************************











(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Eating your way to a younger brain certainly works (new item). I've been
sucking sweets and buying lollipops for years and my doctor says I'm great
for my age! "You've got the mind of a six-year-old," were his exact words...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Surely the only thing you can enjoy with your cuppa of 'Fresh Plucked'
(costing £92.50 per 2.5 grams) from England's only tea plantation is a very,
very rich tea biscuit...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It may not be a good idea to store tomatoes in the fridge (news item), but
it's the only place to keep your Magnum if you don't want it to go off...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, October 17, 2016

to my dear wife - my increasingly dear wife...

***********************************
our marriage is like
my new credit card: still dear,
but contactless now...

***********************************











(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With regard to sleep cycles (news item), my wife and I were wondering whether
the 4 cycles we require could be replaced by 2 tandems to hurry things along a bit?...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Poor old Donald Trump. He thought he was leaving his mark on the world. Turns
out it's a stain...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wow, my grandfather clock's just like yours! The resemblance is striking - on the
hour, every hour...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dieting's a piece of cake. And that's the problem...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, October 16, 2016

'17 Rather Sillybles' from my travels, 1991-2001...

********************************

you can't hit children
any more, but you can still
Patagonia...

********************************











(Hitchhiking in Argentina - Rio Gallegos to Puerto Madryn)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
£100,000 for a mattress? (news item). Why not? It's the gift that keeps on giving.
Then bouncing straight back up again...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hillary for President! No-one should allow an Alpha male to Beta woman into
submission and get away with it (never mind the other stuff Mr Trump is
alleged to have got up to).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like Liz Jones, I, too, have an eating problem. Whilst she admits to counting
almonds, I count everything. My diet is all about portion control. Yesterday it
was pasta, my favourite. 2.3oz, to be exact. Not a penne more, not a penne less.
I find the lbs then look after themselves...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I sympathise with Liz Jones. Eating disorders aren't much fun. May I
recommend my multiple-personality disorder? At least when I'm down I can
give myself a group hug...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, October 15, 2016

******************************************************************************

Organising a family meal by the riverside is no picnic, believe me!"

******************************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 13)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lily Allen promises to take in a refugee child at her £2million home. I hope that's
not the same as being taken in by many a government's promise to solve the housing
crisis. Just words...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jan Moir's dislike of cushions with banal platitudes on them reminds me of my feelings
towards the late Bernard Manning. Plump enough, but quite the wrong material...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, October 14, 2016

Order of the Bath...

*****************************************

Just two taps on the
shoulder, and you're a knight. Cold
tap, left. Hot tap, right...

*****************************************












('String vestiture': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"That's an Aragon and Tudor go" (that's an hour gone and two to go) quipped
Mel Gledroyc on Bake Off. If a court jester had come up with that at the time,
would a groaning Henry have laughed one of his wives' heads off?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, October 13, 2016

if you follow me...

*********************************

There's no such thing as
a hard act to follow these
days. Thanks to Facebook...

*********************************





- you can follow anyone these days...






(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
25% of GP's surgeries are unsafe (news item). Too right! They're a veritable
ca-cough-cough-cophony of flu sufferers!...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 12, 2016

a good one-liner? - or one good liner?...

******************************************************************

a jolly happy crew's the recipe for a jolly happy cruise...

******************************************************************



a jolly happy
crew's the recipe for a
jolly happy cruise...(17 rather sillybles)



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 11)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If the Duchess of Cambridge's Kate Spade dress suits her down to the ground, why does
she wear it only knee-length?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've long had to accept the fact that my girlfriend's one of those women who tells their
friends absolutely everything. In her case, it's on the phone. Talk about kiss and tel:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Terrorism fear leads to boom in staycations (news item). B&Bs must be making a bomb...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

peace be upon you...

***********************************

is 'to compromise'
to whack someone in the face
with an olive branch?...

***********************************












(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wayne Rooney dropped! Will he bounce back? Or am I confusing him with
Kanga Rooney?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rolf Harris's daughter calls his victims 'liars, cheaters and thieves'. If she's
saying he was framed, methinks she's confusing the artist with his paintings.
Which is why he's only to be found in the rogues' gallery these days...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three cheers for handbag auctions! "If you can't give your women bags of
attention, then just give them bags!" There's no excuse now, men...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, October 10, 2016

I don't know much about art, but I know what I like...

*************************************

My wife's as pretty
as a picture - that one by
Munch. 'The Scream', it's called.

*************************************












(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems the Army's now advertising for 'black British' privates and lance-corporals to
to join its recruitment team. Wouldn't people of colour sergeants do a better job?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If olive crops continue to fail, will salad become a problem that needs a dressing?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, October 9, 2016

hey, a life's a life, right?...

******************************

I tried to save a
vegan's bacon yesterday.
Turned out to be quorn...

******************************











(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Apparently, THE fashion must-have style of the autumn, kangaroo fur slippers,
is called 'the sliced loaf'. A bit of a misnomer, to say the least. Those promoted
by Tom Hiddleston cost £650, for example. Slightly more than a loafer bread, I
suggest. (Let alone a slice.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Woe is me! It appears cut-glass accents have been replaced in women's affections
by cut-grass bodies. Thanks a bunch, Aidan Turner. 'Posh' no longer cuts it, it
appears. Certainly not as well as the instrument famously wielded by Mr Turner.
The more things change, the more they stay the same, it seems: scythe matters.
Always has, always will...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If a certain Maye Musk can enjoy a 'greynaissance' in the modelling world at the
age of 68, how about us men? 'The Bald and the Beautiful' (if I say so myself) still
have a lot to offer...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, October 8, 2016

it's certainly large enough...

******************************

Ha! Katie Price? A
national treasure? Is she
kept in her own chest?...

******************************












('36B or not 36B? That is the question': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If (God forbid) Donald Trump were to become President, would the USA
become 'The Land Of The Free (To Touch Women Anywhere You Want)'?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, October 7, 2016

*******************************************************************

More and more fifty-plus women are in anguish about
going off sex these days (news item). And I fear my wife
is among them. She doesn't make love when she plays
scrabble any more. It's 'vole' every time. She's changed...

*******************************************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 6)

Thursday, October 6, 2016

inexcUSAble...

*****************

Donald Trump:

*****************

so...arrogant,
so...egotistical,
so...delusional,
so...bombastic,
so...abrasive,
so...provocative,
so...unhinged,
so...unstable,
so...dangerous,
so...he'll probably be the next President of the United States.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I dreamed I went clubbing with Usain Bolt last night, and we both pilled. He got the
girl, I got the hamstring...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Play golf and you'll live longer (news item). Which is why I never go anywhere
without my driver. Or Mike, as I believe he's called...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Silly me. I always thought Rob Kardashian was Kim's brother. Turns out it was an
instruction...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

***************************************

Never go to bed on an argument.
Sleep on the sofa instead...

***************************************











(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 4)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Yes, Kirstie Allsopp, the camera does add a few extra pounds. More than a few,
I would have thought. Depends how good your agent is...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Cod speak with accents (news item). So do Salmond and Sturgeon, but I can
still understand almost everything they say...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What next, Jamie Oliver? Steak and kidney pie'ella? Methinks he's confusing
'fusion' with 'confusion'...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, October 4, 2016

60%?

*********************************

if the cops accuse
you of nicking whisky, how
much proof do they need?...

*********************************












(17 Very Sillybles)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A black dormouse has been spotted in the UK for the first time. Yippee!
Black or white, I a doremice...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No running...in the playground! (news item). Or...in No. 10, I suggest.
Better to walk the country well than run it badly, Theresa.
(Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey - when it comes to speed, don't be a junkie)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, October 3, 2016

old cauliflower ears...

*******************************

My dad never changed
the face of rugby, but it
sure as hell changed his...

*******************************











('The journeyman': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seems Radio 4's The Now Show has invented a brand new crime: middle class, white
manslaughter - ridding themselves of what they consider to be an excess of middle
class white man's laughter..
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So George Osborne is set to make up to £75,000 an hour on the speaking circuit.
Whatever happened to free speech, George?...(Whoever said 'talk is cheap'? Depends who's
doing the talking, I suppose)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, October 2, 2016

great gossip = chatterbox office...

***********************************

My wife tells her friends
everything on the phone. Talk
about kiss and tel

***********************************












(17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last week the press wrote of forgeries by the 'Moriarty of Old Masters' costing
investors up to £200million. I think maybe now would be an appropriate time to
reveal myself as the self-appointed 'Moriarty of Facebook'. The big difference,
of course, is that my crimes are victimless. To date, I have forged well over 1,000
friendships, and to the best of my knowledge no-one seems to care one iota that
not one of them is genuine...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot have sex on Sooty," said BBC Governor. Poor old Harry Corbett.
You couldn't blame him for wanting to keep his hand in...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"We cannot have sex on Sooty," said BBC Governor. Why not? They're only
glove puppets, so nothing would have got out of hand...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Taking cider vinegar can help reduce the risk of heart attacks and strokes (news
item). I always felt that these were two problems that needed a dressing...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Breathalyzer Doolittle...

**************************************

"mirror, signal, pass
the liquor - let's jump the lights
and see who's quicker"...

**************************************












(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Being seen next to an ugly friend makes you look more attractive,
research has confirmed. "Why else," says my wife, "have I always
followed Tammy Wynette's advice to "Stand By Your Man?"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mediawatch-UK says that, when it comes to defining the word 'rude',
"Ofcom is remarkably out of touch with the viewing public". Roughly
translated, I think that means "F*** Ofcom"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If restaurants do reduce the size of their puddings (news item), will
their customers dessert them?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------