Tuesday, July 25, 2017

who'd want to see a mynah inconvenienced?...

*************************************

years ago they sent
canaries down the mine - why
on earth not mynahs?...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 24, 2017

when (broken) hearts are trumps...

*******************************

divorce: when love and
marriage go together like
a horse and soap dish...

*******************************






(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 23, 2017

it's my wedding - and I'm having a bawl!...

******************************

it's true that some love
affairs end happily - but
most end in marriage...

******************************







(17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Coitus interruptus...

*****************************

I knew someone would
interruptus, but why is
it always Coitus?...

*****************************







("Can I come in?" - "er, NO!": 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham is as likely to have 'designed' that special edition
Range Rover (news item) as a milliner is to have designed the bonnet...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 21, 2017

************************************************************

Are the very fittest contortionists, by definition,
the ones who are most out of shape?...

************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 19)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marmite Clarkson: the very definition of middle-age spread...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 20, 2017

lost childhood...

*************************************

I was young once. Well,
twice, to be honest - if you're
counting last Thursday...

*************************************







(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

the vegetarian option...

****************************************

carnivores can wear
pork pie hats - but vegans should
opt for the beanie...

****************************************






(17 Rather Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why on earth is Love Island on ITV2? It seems far better suited to Channel 4nication...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

************************************************************************

Harry & Meghan, a modern royal romance (MoS): surely
there hasn't been a better match since Swan met Vesta?...

************************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 16)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Should Brexiteers still deign to eat Christmas dinner with their 'Remainer'
parents this year?" - "Why not? As long as they pass on the Brussels"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brewhaha: this tea tastes funny...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They ought to give Sean Connery The Order of the Thistle. He's prickly enough...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 17, 2017

**********************************************************************

Apparently, Kelly Brook thinks she and Monty Don
would make a good gardening combo (Mail). I can see it
all now: HIS and HERbaceous borders - with the emphasis
on hers, of course: the curvaceous herbaceous ones...

**********************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 14)

Sunday, July 16, 2017

***********************************************************

If Rebecca Adlington doesn't want to dive
into online dating (Mail), then maybe she
should forsake the swimming pool for the sea.
There are plenty more fish in the sea, Rebecca.
Well, more than in the swimming pool...

***********************************************************



(Name and address supplied (er, 'me'), Daily Mail, July 13)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A staircase that will literally put a spring in your step? (Mail).
How about calling it the Fred Astairecase? hahaha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 15, 2017

**************************************************

A cart drawn by two horses will always
be cheaper than one drawn by Picasso...

**************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 13)

Friday, July 14, 2017

of course it does, pet - now go fetch the kids...

**************************************

if a good ref. goes
unnoticed, does that mean I'm
a good haikuist?...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

*********************************************************************************

A meal without Bisto is like Elizabeth Barrett without Browning...

*********************************************************************************


Came up with this years and years ago - recently reminded of it. Still like it (even if no-one else does!)

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

*********************************************************

Cutting-hedge technology: top-notch shears...

*********************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

art appreciation...

******************************************

My Picasso's gone
from nought to Pica$$000,000 - in
the blink of a nose!...

******************************************






(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 10, 2017

*****************************************************************

"Doctors get to the bottom of the perfect derriere"
(MoS). As far as I'm concerned, MY favourite
derriere is the London Derriere. I never tire of
listening to it. You probably know it as 'Danny Boy'...

*****************************************************************







(Yvonne Hall (aka 'me'), Mail on Sunday, July 9)

Sunday, July 9, 2017

*****************************************************************

Couldn't agree more with Mark Wareham's 4-star
review of Tape Face (Event magazine). Mime's great.
It goes without saying...

*****************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 9)

Saturday, July 8, 2017

goodness, gracious, great balls of - cheese?...

******************************

What on earth does a
teetotaller do for Dutch
courage? Eat Edam?...

******************************







(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, July 7, 2017

*************************************************************

Of course the public sector pay cap has to be
across the board. Except for those ON the board -
isn't that how it works?...

*************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 7)

Thursday, July 6, 2017

******************************************************************

Yoga can be very bad for your eyes, apparently (Mail).
Tell me about it! Seeing granny attempting the
Downward Dog has been VERY bad for mine!...

******************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 6)

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

***************************************

Level 41
were rubbish. Then they took it
to the next level...

***************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

cats prefer doggerel...

****************************

my cat looks at me
indulgently - he's not a
haiku sort of cat...

****************************







(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 3, 2017

make that "XXXLent"...

***************************

"I'm going on a diet,"
said my wife. 'XXLent
idea,' I muttered...

***************************







(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 2, 2017

*************************************************************

Last week's article 'When Dad Doesn't Cut It'
certainly struck a chord. If you had asked my
kids about their dad post-divorce, they'd probably
have said "the farther the better, the better the
father". At the time, I'm pretty sure I chose to
interpret this as a case of 'absence making the
heart grow fonder'...

*************************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been using edible flowers in the kitchen for years now.
Last week my girlfriend decided to take a leaf out of my book.
And proceeded to eat it. "Probably tastes as good as your
stupid flowers," she said...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 1, 2017

is an Abbacus a Swedish calculator?...

*********************************

An abacus will
never let you down. Ever! -
you can count on it...

*********************************







(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 30, 2017

******************************************************

'Milionares, lifes, tragedys?' - if the
placard-waving Day of Rage protesters
think this is class war (Daily Mail), I can only
assume they mean 'bottom of the class' war...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 26)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Our current PM's travails...

********************************************************

If a week's a long time in politics, just imagine
how long a month is! Except for May, of course.
I doubt May will last that long...

********************************************************


A week's a long time
in politics. Not all months
are: May won't last long!



(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

******************************************************

Hard not to relate to last week's article in
You magazine: 'No sex, please, we're married'.
How many other readers' marriages are just
like their brand new credit cards: contactless?
Join the club!...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 25)

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

*******************************************************

"And here's the 51st fact you never knew about
ATMs (Mail): only a nutcase tries to withdraw
cashews from a hole-in-the-walnut"...

*******************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 23)

Monday, June 26, 2017

hey, can't you stay a shade...well, darker?...

*********************************

my tan behaves like
a call-girl: it comes quickly
- and leaves just as fast!...

*********************************








(17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 25, 2017

**********************************************************

WORDY WISE, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 22:
INNcognito: snug bar...
INNcur: landlord's dog...
INNcurious: a stranger walks into the bar...

**********************************************************


(Following on from  17/5/2017 and 3/6/2017. Why did the Daily Mail split them so weirdly?)

Saturday, June 24, 2017

caught! - it's just not cricket...

***********************************

the food in my bag
wasn't bought - if my case is
not dropped, then it's court...

***********************************









(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 23, 2017

should have been filmed by Zephyrelli......

*******************************************

I hear writing 'Gone
With The Wind' was a breeze  - from
the very first draft...

*******************************************








(17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, June 22, 2017

lack of a motion...

****************************************

"The living statue's
still there!" - "So what? It's his job
to be still. Somewhere."

****************************************









(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

******************************************************************

"More spiralised squash, palmyra jaggery or coconut
nectar crystals, anyone?"...rest assured, Amelia Freer,
I, for one, won't be calling upon your services any time
soon if that's what you recommend for a trimmer figure.
If anyone really wants to be shrunk this way,
I suggest they go see a shrink!

******************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 18)

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

masque-raid...

****************************************

'if no-one pulls it
off,' thought the masked robber, 'I
might just pull it off'...

****************************************









(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 19, 2017

sound radio - unsound mind?...

******************************

Radio 4: "the
following report contains
flash photography"...

******************************









(17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 18, 2017

the only thing I'm working out is how NOT to!...

*****************************

Skipping training's great!
(Cardiovascularly,
you just can't beat it!)

*****************************









('In the gym': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

something about nothing...

*****************************************

'nothing' backwards is
'gnihton' - which is weird, as that
means nothing, either...

*****************************************









(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, June 16, 2017

*************************************************************

Can a photo of scantily-clad 1950s showgirls playing
chess be classified as pawnography? (Tory MP caught
taking a peek in House of Commons)

*************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 16)

Thursday, June 15, 2017

************************************************

Wow! Times New Roman! Just my type...

************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 15)

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

when a relationshit hits the fan...

************************************

if you have it in
for somebody, should you have
it out with them first?...

************************************









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

ever the optimist...

*****************************

most relationships
end in calamity - or,
even worse, marriage...

*****************************









(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 12, 2017

*********************************************

So Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law
is now doing porridge (Mail). I wonder
if Gordon's given him any tips?...

*********************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 12)

Sunday, June 11, 2017

eyes and teas...

*********************************

to cross your 't's and
dot your i's is really hard
when you cross your eyes...

*********************************









(17 Sillybles)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

and windfall apples, of course...

********************************************

to me, expensive
things aren't dear - what's dear to me
is free: air, love, speech...

********************************************









(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 9, 2017

*****************************************************

Britt Ekland apparently calls her dog David
Bowie (Mail). Myself, I would have gone with
David Bow-wow-ie...

*****************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 9)

Thursday, June 8, 2017

caravanning - what's not to love?...

*******************************

the home's tyred, the kids
are all in, and the driver?
- he's ready to go!...

*******************************









(17 Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law is now doing porridge (news item).
I wonder if Gordon's given him any tips?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

******************************************************************************

"So what if TV weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker confuses summer
and winter (Mail)? He's only human - not an autumnaton!...

******************************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 6)

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

white (di)van man...

******************************

seems some folk on the
dole do have a job: a job
getting out of bed...

******************************








(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 5, 2017

********************************************************

"Drink World Cola and make your dreams come
true," proclaim the posters in Gambia. Well, I'm
still waiting. Just how many f****** bottles do
you have to drink!?...

********************************************************

Sunday, June 4, 2017

you have male...

******************************************

"My deer Rudolph"..."My
deer Prancer"...(sounds pretty much
like a hart to hart)

******************************************









(17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 3, 2017

******************************************************************************

Wordy Wise, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 1 (continuing
the May 17 list, though why they split them, heaven only knows)
INNclination: leaning on the bar...
INNcoherent: it's the drink talking...
INNconsistent: always a great pint...OK, I think that's enough now.

******************************************************************************


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump says he's open to re-negotiating entry to the Paris Accord.
When would that be, exactly? When the climate's right?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butter prices have soared by more than 53% (news item)...
Spread the word! (And the word's 'marge')
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you, British Airways, for separating me from my bags for such a
long time. But don't worry, I made do with the ones under my eyes I got
from sleeping on the airport floor...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not exported food 'going off' Britain has to worry about. Imported
guns going off, that's the problem...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, June 2, 2017

Tiger Woods on DUI charge (news item)

********************************

Asleep at the wheel,
Tiger Woods? Still averse to
using your driver?...

********************************









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, June 1, 2017

putting food on the table...

****************************************

all things come to those
who wait - but who the hell wants
to be a waiter?...

****************************************










(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

enough to drive 'em barking mad?...

***********************************

a sheepdog's job is
not straightforward at all: far
too many ewe-turns...

***********************************









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

the thrill of the chaste (1 & 2)

-------------------------------------

"You'll never guess how
prim my girlfriend is!"..."Just a
touch?"..."Not even that!"...

------------------------------------

those who are chaste so
often aren't - I talk, of course,
of my maiden aunt...

------------------------------------

(17 Syllables x 2)

Monday, May 29, 2017

tee-hee...

*********************************************

"I played golf with some
colleagues yesterday."..."Foursome?"...
"No, they wanted to"...

*********************************************









(17 Syllables)

Sunday, May 28, 2017

*********************************************************

The UK's first 'gender-fluid' police officer can
work as a man or a woman (Mail). How very PC.

*********************************************************



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 26, and 'Quotes of the Day', Courier & Advertiser, May 27)


-----------------------------------------------------------
(Rejected as 'a bit too edgy', apparently: "why is it
suddenly 'trendy to be bendy' (Mail)? For years now,
my wife has bent over backwards to help me. But
not every night") Point taken...
-----------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Hot Chocolate, anyone?...

*************************************

Marmalade, Jam, Meat
Loaf, Bread: wow, music really
is the food of love!...

*************************************










(17 Syllables)

Friday, May 26, 2017

it had to be one or the other...

*******************************

I never picked my
nose as a youngster. I had
my chance, but  blew it...

*******************************









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 25, 2017

a stone's throw from the bus stop...

*****************************

you should never miss
a bus - even moving, it's
such a large target...

*****************************








(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

shouldn't have been there in the first place...

***********************************

The obese rarely
have a chip on their shoulder
for long. Too tempting......

**********************************








(17 Syllables)

Friday, May 19, 2017

size really does matter...

***********************************

They won't let me keep
large pets in my flat. So meet
Charlie. He's my newt...

***********************************









(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, May 17, 2017

*********************************************************************

WORDY WISE, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 17:
INNgredients: beer, wine, spirits, etc...
INNaccessible: there's a ramp to the public bar...
INNactive: opening times...
INNcentive: happy hour...
INNcident: bar brawl...
INNsider: home-made scrumpy...etc, etc, you get the idea.

*********************************************************************




(Bloody hell, I must have submitted this well over a year ago!)

Sunday, May 14, 2017

 ---------------------------------------------------------------
"So now you can buy a coffeemaker that imprints
a selfie on to your cappuccino? Sorry, not my cup
of tea, I'm afraid"...

(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, May 14)

(What they should have opted for: "Knowing I like my
pint to have a good head on it, my wife can now make
my cappuccino with an even better head on it. Hers!")

No accounting for taste...
----------------------------------------------------------------



Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Trump sacks FBI chief (news item)

*****************************

'firing people with
enthusiasm' takes on
a whole new meaning...

*****************************









('It's an ever-growing list': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, May 4, 2017

****************************

"How long have I had
amnesia? For as long as
I can't remember"...

****************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, May 4)

Friday, April 21, 2017

*******************************

Two heads are better
than one (if it's a coin toss
you just have to win).

*******************************









(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 21)

Tuesday, April 11, 2017

***********************************

A wise woman starts
watching her figure when she
sees no-one else is...

***********************************









(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 11)

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

*********************************

Why is cordial
a cold drink? Surely it should
be warm and friendly?...

*********************************










(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 4)

Tuesday, April 4, 2017

**********************************

"I can't wait for Trump's first
State of the Union tweet"...

**********************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, April 3)

Thursday, March 30, 2017

to coin a phrase...

 *************************************

For years, I had no
idea how slot machines worked.
Then the penny dropped...

*************************************









(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

an incorrect form of address?...

**************************************

When will President
Trump send out his first State of
the Union tweet?...

**************************************









(17 Sillybles)

Sunday, March 26, 2017

if she tries it on in bed, make sure you've taken it off first...

***********************************

it's far easier
to make love in your twenties
than in your onesies...

***********************************









(17 Very Sillybles)

Thursday, March 23, 2017

**********************************************************************

Metric signposts? They're miles better than imperial ones...

**********************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 23)

Thursday, March 9, 2017

Not so much a manipulator, more an inanimate objectipulator...

****************************

I'm a puppeteer,
but I had to pull a lot
of strings to get here...

****************************









(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

****************************************

Deerstalkers. They're so old hat...

****************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 28)

Tuesday, March 7, 2017

is this the way - to tell jokes?...

*******************************************

Jane prefers metric
signposts - "they're miles better than
imperial ones"...

*******************************************









('Dumb blondes': 17 Syllables)

Monday, March 6, 2017

3 - 2 - 1...

*******************************************************

Making love: is it better in your thirties than
in your twenties? Who knows? But it's certainly
better than in your onesies...

*******************************************************

Sunday, March 5, 2017

the house party...

************************************

letting your hair down's
fine, son - letting your parents
down's quite another...

************************************









(17 Syllables)

Saturday, March 4, 2017

a rose by any other name...

******************************************

The difference between
school and marriage? Homework. It
just becomes housework...

******************************************











(17 Syllables)

Friday, March 3, 2017

the world in cr-ISIS...

*******************************

Syria, Iraq,
Afghanistan: Planet Earth?
Or terror firma?..

*******************************









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, March 2, 2017

'do not enter'tainment?...

**************************************

'Adult shop' read the
sign. Time flies. I knew it when
it was still a child...

**************************************











(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, March 1, 2017

 ******************************************************************************

Sadly, I only mastered one of the three 'R's - reading and writing...

*******************************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, March 1)

Monday, February 27, 2017

*******************************************************************

"I bet you £100 you can't do this," said my wife, on
reading about Kate Garraway's 'two-week sex challenge'.
Sadly, she won. I was, indeed, 'two weak'...

*******************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 26)

Sunday, February 26, 2017

another quiet night in(dia, anyone?)

******************************

I fear I'll never
get to see the Taj Mahal -
I'm Agraphobic...

******************************








('Agra, Uttar Pradesh, India': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, February 25, 2017

********************************************************************

Why is it only women who are into gender stereotyping?...

********************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 24)

Friday, February 24, 2017

***************************************

What did I study at Oxford? The
A5, the A62, the M1 and the M4 -
I was a Roads Scholar...

***************************************

Thursday, February 23, 2017

***************************************************************

Is making love in your nineties really better than in
your fifties? (News item). Maybe. But nothing beats
making love in your onesies! (Far too cold these days)

***************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 20)

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Isle of Man - a very, very rich man, indeed...

****************************************

Necker Island: not
so much 'sun, sea and sand' - more
'sun, see and be seen'...

****************************************










('The British Virgin, the US Virgin and the Richard Virgin Islands': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

the cold one, I believe...

************************************

Jane threw the kitchen
sink at me. "Missed!" Did get a
tap on the head, though...

************************************









(17 Syllables)

Monday, February 20, 2017

at least I'm not on the shelf...

***************************************

Jane reads me like a
book - licks her fingers when she
turns me over, too...

***************************************










(' Bedtime stories': 17 Far Too Sillybles)

Sunday, February 19, 2017

travel advisory...

********************************************

"Only take what you're
prepared to lose, Jane." Jane packed
her virginity...

********************************************









(17 Syllables)

Saturday, February 18, 2017

too much 30, not enough love...

**********************************

Just eight semis in
two years? Not much of a sex
life, Andy Murray...

**********************************








(17 Very Sillybles)

Friday, February 17, 2017

***********************************************************************

I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?...

***********************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail. February 17)

Thursday, February 16, 2017

1947 - ?

*******************************

I might be getting
on a bit - but hey, it beats
having to get off...

*******************************










(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, February 15, 2017

they're inseparable...

******************************

my father-in-law
loves his liver - "it's very
close to my heart, son"...

******************************









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

*************************************************************

My daughter has just bought a Gucci-style handbag
from M&S for £15. I asked her how much money
she'd saved by not buying the real thing. "Bags!" she
replied. As the Gucci version costs £715, "over
46 bags!" would have been nearer the mark. (Any
resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is
purely coincidental)

*************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 12)

Monday, February 13, 2017

*********************************************************************

Prison inmate uses soap to slip his handcuffs off and escape
(news story yesterday). Talk about a clean getaway!...

*********************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

Sunday, February 12, 2017

*************************************

there's one thing that can't
be preserved when pickled, and
that's your dignity...

*************************************









(17 Syllables, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 9)

Saturday, February 11, 2017

just spell it out, doctor...

**********************************

if you don't have a
typewriter, how can you type
2 diabetes?...

**********************************










(17 Syllables)

Friday, February 10, 2017

*****************************************************

No wonder they're called refuse collectors.
Whenever I ask ours to come more than once 
a fortnight, they refuse...

*****************************************************

not so hard rock?...

if lead's a soft and
malleable heavy metal,
why the lead guitar?...

Thursday, February 9, 2017

the great acrylamide food scare...

****************************************

rhyming slang's got it
spot on: eat too much burnt toast,
you'll end up brown bread...

****************************************











(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, February 8, 2017

*****************************************************************

When I watch Mastermind and University Challenge on
TV, I am almost always baffled. My ignorance depresses
me. When I watch Donald Trump on TV, I am almost
always baffled. His ignorance depresses me...

*****************************************************************

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

25, I believe (that's a lot of paper boys)

*******************************

how many page boys
must you bundle together
to make one quire boy?...

*******************************









(17 Syllables)

Monday, February 6, 2017

best of three?...

*********************************

two heads are better
than one (if it's a toss you've
really got to win!)

*********************************









('My trusty old two-headed coin': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, February 5, 2017

*******************************************************

So Pippa Middleton's wedding cake may well
be a Peggy Porschen creation. Seeing as these
cakes start at £25 a slice, no wonder they call
it 'Porschen control'...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, February 5)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
State visit responsibilities (Trump): "we can't go on ducking 'em, so invite
him to Buckingham - for only the moral should stay at Balmoral"...
----------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, February 4, 2017

***************************************************************

"I'm leaving you," said the clairvoyant. "That tryst
 you're going to have next month is the final straw"...

***************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, February 3)

Friday, February 3, 2017

fun for all the family: his and herbal medicine...

**************************************

We've just discovered
herbal medicine! - Thyme heals
everything! Who knew?...

**************************************









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, February 2, 2017

********************************************************

If you buy a painting by a registered
post-impressionist, do you have to sign for it?...

********************************************************

Wednesday, February 1, 2017

*****************************************************

As words go, oxymoron is a pretty ugly one...

*****************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 31)

Tuesday, January 31, 2017

the silver lining...

*****************************

Andy Murray's crashed
out of the Open! - can I
get in Scot-free now?...

*****************************










(17 Rather Sillybles)

Monday, January 30, 2017

*****************************************************************************

If Southern Rail's timetable is a work of fiction (Mail), it's pretty
badly edited. Far too many lines that just don't work that well...

****************************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 27)

Sunday, January 29, 2017

*******************************************************************************

Turns out cockney rhyming slang's not so random after all: 'eat too
much burnt toast and you could end up brown bread'. Who knew?...

*******************************************************************************





(news item: the dangers of acrylamide)






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 26)

Saturday, January 28, 2017

stupid knits...

******************************************

bat wing jumpers tend
to fly off the shelves - which makes
them quite hard to sell...

******************************************









(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 27, 2017

"peace and love, we're doves, man"...

******************************

my neighbour's birds have
taken over my dovecote -
'twas a bloodless coo...

******************************










(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 26, 2017

besom buddies...

**********************************

damn it! - whenever
I try for broom cupboard sex,
I get the brush-off...

**********************************










(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

keep it clean...

***********************************

broom cupboard sex: no
better place, surely, to sweep
someone off their feet?...

***********************************










(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

no can do...

******************************

Can't even do what
one pelican? Then how to
do what toucan do?...

******************************











('Animal magic': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 23, 2017

sucker...

****************************

parting is such sweet
sorrow - if it involves a
fool and his money...

****************************










(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 22, 2017

putting your stamp on the tournament...

**********************************

why is it the ball
you address when it's a good
score you want to post?...

**********************************






(who knows, but make sure  the word 'bunker's not part of the address)







(17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 21, 2017

the fruits of your labour...

**********************************

If what you've bought from
the Apple store doesn't work,
you've bought a lemon...

**********************************










(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 20, 2017

*****************************************************************

No jokes today. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office
has advised against all non-essential laughter...

*****************************************************************







(Back in the UK from a crisis-torn Gambia)

Thursday, January 19, 2017

what a tart...

******************************************

my wife makes a mean
quiche - so mean, in fact, she won't
bother with the cheese...

******************************************










(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

***************************************************

'Cookies disabled': of all the stupid phrases,
this one takes the biscuit...

***************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 18)

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

waiting for a 36C...

***************************************

"Where do you stand when
it comes to boob enhancement?" -
"In the bust op queue"...

***************************************











('Plenty of room up top': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 16, 2017

to those whose family tree is an elder...

*********************************

trees are brought up well -
all the beech and birch I
know respect their elders...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 15, 2017

the family tree oil shampoo...

************************************

My wife has never
forgotten her roots. Gets them
seen to every month...

************************************












(17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 14, 2017

what, no oil?...

****************************************

cider vinegar
helps cut strokes ( a problem that
needed a dressing!)

****************************************











(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 13, 2017

I only wanted to know what my star sign's gemstone was...

***********************************

"a tall, dark stranger
will kill me?!" - no wonder it's
called a horrorscope...

***********************************












(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 12, 2017

you owe me one...

****************************

I never forget
a favour. Well, not if it
was one done by me...

****************************












(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

it's child's play, really...

******************************************

'Breaking up is hard
to do'? Balls! Paul's just smashed his
Lego to pieces...

******************************************












('Toy story': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I'm a past(a) master of portion control...

*********************************

if you look after
the penne, the lbs will look
after themselves, right?...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Monday, January 9, 2017

fast food shopping...

******************************

I tend to speed-shop
in supermarkets. My best?
30 aisles an hour...

******************************











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 8, 2017

********************************************

Most people want to leave their mark
on the world. Sometimes it turns out
to be a stain...

********************************************

Saturday, January 7, 2017

7 letters, but...

*******************************

My wife made me laugh
at scrabble. But I wouldn't
allow it. Two words...

*******************************










(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 6, 2017

whisper it not abroad...

****************************************

I wouldn't say my
wife's daft. But there's nothing to
stop me writing it...

****************************************










(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 5, 2017

a hair of the...dog?

*********************************

my cat licks me, I
hug it: who says cat owners
can't hold their licker?...

*********************************










(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

**************************************

How do I know Eton mess is
such a popular dessert? Because
I've never yet seen any Uneton
mess, that's why...

**************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 4)

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

sleeping on the ground rice...

***********************************

how do you sleep on
a bed of rice? - lay down your
head on the pilau...

***********************************











('Pilau talk': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 2, 2017

or you could always shove an olive branch up her arse...

*******************************

Never go to bed
on an argument. Sleep on
the sofa, instead...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 1, 2017

'er indoors, she's no one-offspring...

**************************************

"My wife has a twin" -
"Can you tell them apart?" - "Yes,
her brother's quite bald"...

**************************************












(Start the year as you mean to go on: 17 Very Sillybles)