Sunday, December 31, 2017

*******************************************************

Could Nick & Holly Candy's neighbours do
with an 'anti-hedge' fund to help finance the
fight against the Candys planting a row of
15 'light-blocking' giant trees? (MoS)...

*******************************************************




(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, October 8)

Saturday, December 30, 2017

very, very crossbenchers...

*************************************

is 'political
inn-fighting' what they call an
MP's drunken brawl?...

*************************************




('The Strangers' Bar': 17 Syllables)

Friday, December 29, 2017

divorce her? - I've got to find her first!...

*********************************************

"My wife's geography!" -
"Don't you mean history?" - "No, she's
bloody lost again!"...

*********************************************




(17 Very Sillybles)

Thursday, December 28, 2017

money talks - but meet its spokesman...

************************************

The Bank of England
Governor doesn't just speak -
he coins his phrases...

************************************




('I don't think he writes MY monthly statements!': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, December 27, 2017

ouch!: a misogynist speaks out...

****************************************

I love cats. But they're
all pretty much the same, right?
A bit like women...

****************************************




(17 Bad-Ass Syllables)

Tuesday, December 26, 2017

==============================================================
LISTING FILMS - far less dangerous than listing ships, haha...(see below)
==============================================================

IN-FLIGHT ENTERTAINMENT...

Would the plane be showing...

Carry On Sergeant?
Carry On Nurse?
Carry On Teacher?
Carry On Constable?
Carry On Regardless?
Carry On Cruising?
Carry On Cabby?
Carry On Jack?
Carry On Cleo?
Carry On Spying?
Carry On Cowboy?
Carry On Doctor?
Carry On Up The Khyber?
Carry On Camping?
Carry On Up The Jungle?
Carry On Loving?
Carry On Henry?
or Carry On Matron?...
--------------------------------------------
NO! All they'd allow on board was...
--------------------------------------------
Carry On Luggage, hahaha!...

Monday, December 25, 2017

that's "bang!" out of order, dad!...

************************************************

Cheese and crackers! Dad
loves 'em! (He''ll pull the cheese - then
eat all the crackers!)

************************************************



"BNAG!" (that's also bang out of order)



("DAD'S CRACKERS": 17 Sillybles. Sponsored by the Noise Abatement Society)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I bet my friend a fiver that the PM's conference speech would be a
corker. Looks like I'll have to cough up. Pass the lozenges...(6/10/17)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 24, 2017

a tall story...

*********************************

my gran's so tall, she
needs a stepladder just to
put her hairnet on...

*********************************




(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's so much plastic in the oceans these days, every glass seems
to come with a drop of the hard stuff...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, December 23, 2017

getting down with the kids (but not getting up again)

************************************

the last time my gran
went clubbing, she ended up
with a slipped disco...🎵

************************************




(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Is Simon Brodkin as thick as two short pranks?" - No, there've
been a few more than that...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A city centre with 13 branches of the same coffee chain? (Mail).
How can that possibly be Costa-ffective?...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Presumbably, anyone attending all three 'Our Ocean' and climate
change meetings in Malta, New York and Bonn thinks 'going the
extra mile' to help save the planet is not nearly as effective as
going the extra countless thousand miles? (Mail).
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why was Charlotte Church's husband wearing a Moroccan carpet?
Was he hoping to get laid, haha?...(Mail)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, December 22, 2017

**********************************************************

They say that bread is the staff of life.
Well, I'm on a diet, so I've just fired the staff...🥖

**********************************************************


bread may be the staff
of life - but I'm on a diet,
so I've fired the staff...🍞



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, October 4)

Thursday, December 21, 2017

************************************

-----------------------------------
"Skipping breakfast
can raise heart risk" (Mail).
-----------------------------------
"Skipping ropes
can help lower it" (Hefter)...
-----------------------------------

************************************
Daily Mail, Chapter 27, Verses 3-6. Oct 3...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sign above the sink read 'OUT OF ORDER'. So I
washed the roasting tins before the mugs and glasses...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Government? Boris would probably jog it...Theresa's
more into walking it...so who can we get to actually run it?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

a red instead?...

*********************************************

'Life Happens, Coffee
Helps,' read the sign - "Not as much
as A GLASS OF WINE!"...🍷

*********************************************





(Forget 'coffee beans' - think 'full of beans!': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, December 19, 2017

talk about irony (something else Americans don't 'get')

******************************

mass shooting lends yet
more ammunition to the
gun-control lobby...

******************************



(...and yet they're still firing blanks)




(Written on 2/10/17. Las Vegas atrocity: 17 Syllables)

Monday, December 18, 2017

don't worry, luv, you'll be 53 next year...

**************************************

Janet, 52,
really hates being described as
Janet, 52...

**************************************





(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Another shooting in the States. Even more ammunition
for the anti-gun lobby - yet still they fire blanks...
-------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, December 17, 2017

"PSSST!"..."NO, I'M NOT!"🍺




------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Carlsberg did short jokes, they'd probably be the best
short jokes in the world. Thing is, I'm a Heineken man...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, December 16, 2017

probably, son...

*************************************

Dad, if Carlsberg did
haiku, would they be the best
haiku in the world?...🍻

*************************************



(in the interests of balance)
------------------------------------
Heineken haiku
refresh the parts that other
haiku cannot reach...🍺
------------------------------------



(17 Syllables)

Friday, December 15, 2017

sole mates [sic - of the sight of each other?]

*****************************************

My wife judges men
by their shoes. 'What a heel!' she
thought, when she saw me...

*****************************************





(Can tall heels live in flats? Just askin': 17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A sage (& onion): someone who knows his stuff(ing), haha...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, December 14, 2017

rye humour from Farmer Giles - or sound advice?...

**************************************

"sow your wild oats, son -
there's nowt wrong with cereal
promiscuity"...

**************************************





(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

*******************************************************

If Trump wants to be an asset to his country,
well he's halfway there. He's an ass.

*******************************************************

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

"Donald, duck!"...

*********************************

Would shooting Trump be
"assassination"? - No, that's
shooting TWO asses...

*********************************





(17 Syllables). 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I claim "Donald, duck!" as mine! I can trace it back to at least August of last year. Seen it used a lot since.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, December 11, 2017

nervous rex...

************************************

"Let's go clubbing!" said
Daddysaurus...(all went well
till Mummy saw us)

************************************





('Not so much a club, more a slipped disc'otheque': 17 Syllables)

Sunday, December 10, 2017

From 'Prehistoric Man'tovani to Stormzy...

************************************

"Generation gap?
What generation gap?" asked
Daddysaurus Rex...

************************************





(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you have to ask who the hell Mantovani was, well, I've proved my point...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, December 9, 2017

notepaper? - or 'the wrong note' paper?...

************************************

"This paper's flat! And
the edges are way too sharp!"
raged the composer...

************************************





(17 Syllables)

Friday, December 8, 2017

******************************************

There's nothing worse than a sage
who doesn't know his onions...

******************************************


Really, Basil?...
------------------------------------
"There's nothing worse than
a sage who doesn't know his
onions, Rosemary"...
------------------------------------



(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 28)

Thursday, December 7, 2017

he's Luke, he's warm - he's not on form...

*************************************

"you're pretty cool," he
said to her - "you're not so hot
yourself," she replied...

*************************************





(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Public Service Announcement...

============================
I DO SOLEMNLY
SWEAR THAT I WILL DITCH PLASTIC
STRAWS FROM THIS DAY ON...
============================


17 SYLLABLES 'TO HELP SAVE THE WORLD' - PASS IT ON...

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

even my husband only asked for the one hand in marriage...

******************************************

I'm filing my nails.
For divorce! - They've become far
too high maintenance...

******************************************





(17 Syllables)

Monday, December 4, 2017

Mastermind: The Life and Times of Me (1947 - ?)

*********************************

I'm an expert in
something! Everybody's an
expert in something...

*********************************





(17 Syllables)

Sunday, December 3, 2017

on that note, he closed his Facebook a/c...

******************************************

The bugler laughed. 'The
Last Post,' he wrote. It got twelve
'likes' and nine comments...

******************************************





(17 Syllables)

Saturday, December 2, 2017

she's brighter than me, all right...

***********************************

my wife calls me her
dimmer switch: easy to turn
on - but way dimmer!...

***********************************





('The light of my life': 17 Syllables)

Friday, December 1, 2017

October & November, too, come to think of it...

*************************************

Yippee, December!
There's no other month like it!
(Well, Exceptember...)

*************************************





(17 Syllables)

Thursday, November 30, 2017

...but never barred - yet!...

***********************************

my relationship
with the local pub? - second
cousin (twice removed)

***********************************





('You're a drunkle, uncle!': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, November 29, 2017

"I'm off to to the beech now," she added...

******************************************

"I love yew," said the
tree-hugger. - "Luv you, too," said
Tom, taken aback...

******************************************





(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, November 28, 2017

marriage wreckers of the world, unite!...

*********************************

when finish a
relationship, I try to
make sure it's not mine!...

*********************************





(3 into 2 don't go. "DON'T GO!": 17 Syllables)

Monday, November 27, 2017

toasting a baguette - en francais...

***************************************

Homage to fromage:
Brie or Camembert? Who cares?
A toast - "to Frenchship!"...

***************************************





('Who says you can't toast a baguette?': 17 Rather Sillybles)

Sunday, November 26, 2017

great food's to die for - HER food's not...

*********************************

Wow! My wife's dressed to
kill tonight. The trouble is,
she'll cook the same way...

*********************************





(17 Syllables)

Saturday, November 25, 2017

The Secret Life of Cows (Rosamund Young), £9.99...

**********************************

such clever cows: if
her cattle open gates, then
my cat'll close 'em!

**********************************





("Two can play at that game," said the cat lover: 17 Syllables)

Friday, November 24, 2017

reading, writing and - well, two out of three's not bad...

**************************************

How would I describe
myself in three words? Mature,
tall, stocky, stupid...

**************************************






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, November 23, 2017

a heck of a long trip...

***********************************

Black cabs take me back
to my youth. But we always
agree a price first...

***********************************






(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, November 22, 2017

the cultural divide...

****************************************

'We'll wake her soul with
tender strokes of art,' I thought.
"Any chips?" she asked...

****************************************






(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, November 21, 2017

'dropping the h' bomb...

****************************************

mummy's so 'appy,
she's grinning from 'ere to 'ere...
(see graphic below)

****************************************



🙂 from 'ere < ------------------------- > to 'ere 🙂




(17 Very, Very Sillybles)

Monday, November 20, 2017

thought this up yesterday - just got round to posting it...

*******************************************

"son, when it comes to
procrastination, there's no
time like the present tomorrow"...

*******************************************





(17 Syllables)

Sunday, November 19, 2017

is 'sports psychologist' just a fancy name for 'head' coach?...

****************************************

why do footballers
need head coaches when it's the
feet that do the work?...

****************************************






(17 Syllables)

Saturday, November 18, 2017

"You Can call Me Al" (Paul Simon). Al Satian?...

*****************************************

What a dog's dinner,
mum! German Shepherd's pie and
cauli??? Border Cauli???...

*****************************************






('Think of it as a treat for your canines, honey':17 Syllables)

Friday, November 17, 2017

apart from Mondays, of course...

**************************************

'Today's Special,' read
the café's sign. To me, though,
every day's special...

**************************************






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, November 16, 2017

our first-born...

*************************************

what would we like our
son to be when he grows up? -
the eldest of five!...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It isn't easy taking your relationship to the next level
when you live in a bungalow...
-----------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

coining it in...

************************************

try busking, son, the
change'll do us good - if they
throw enough of it...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, November 14, 2017

*************************************************

If flu makes you feel down, would Aussie
flu (Mail) make you feel Down Under?...

**************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 21)

Monday, November 13, 2017

I AM that book! - that's my heart on its sleeve...

********************************

better to be an
open book than still be on
the shelf - at my age!...

********************************






(17 Syllables)

Sunday, November 12, 2017

they reduced my sentence to 12 words...

*********************************

so cerebral was
my stalking: I had followed
every word she'd said...

*********************************






(17 Syllables)

Saturday, November 11, 2017

***********************

back went the
battledress.
into my war drobe.
still alive.

***********************

Friday, November 10, 2017

the ageing process...

***********************************************

I went back home to
collect my thoughts. Now then, where
was it I'd left them?...

***********************************************






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, November 9, 2017

self-sufficiency...

********************************

yes, I may be a
mug, but at least I can fly
off my own handle!...

********************************






(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, November 8, 2017

live every day as if it were your last...

**************************************

"see you, mum!"...but I
never would - the sign read 'do
not resuscitate'...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, November 7, 2017

the empty bed on Ward 17...

************************************

why should anyone
remember me in death when
they didn't in life?...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

Monday, November 6, 2017

I love all the months - exceptember...

******************************

as one leaf falls from
a tree, another follows -
autumnatically...

******************************







(17 Syllables)

Sunday, November 5, 2017

************************************************

I live in a studio apartment, so I can't
have large pets. Meet Charlie. He's not
large at all. He's my newt...

************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 20)

Saturday, November 4, 2017

there are good tips, bad tips - and filter tips, apparently...

***********************************

"never give up, son,"
my dad told me - so I'm still
on twenty-a-day...

***********************************







(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I doubt you'll find 'backseat driver' Boris on many steering committees!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, November 3, 2017

a two-liner three-liner...

***********************************

which ships are best for
holiday cruises? - "friendship
and companionship?"...

***********************************






(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------
Is snoring the 'sound' of sound asleep?...
-------------------------------------------------

Thursday, November 2, 2017

under the weather...

***********************************

I'll tell you what, mate -
dry humour doesn't last long
in a thunderstorm...

***********************************







(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
If Rio Ferdinand's a boxer, then I'm an Irish Wolfhound...
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, November 1, 2017

anti-social media: a word to the unwise...

*************************************************

the more your phone is
switched off, the more switched on you
are likely to be...

*************************************************






(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The verdict's now in on Jamie Oliver's first restaurant in France:
"Nice airport, terrible food". (You guessed it: it's at Nice airport)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, October 31, 2017

****************************************************

Bit disappointed your 'Chef's Guide to the
Scrummiest Mayos' didn't include Radio 2's
Simon, source of much pleasure...

****************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Dail Mail, September 18)

Monday, October 30, 2017

a trip - to hospital?...

*******************************************

if dad falls over
when sleepwalking, should we call
a somnambulance?...

*******************************************






(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When people see clowns these days they think they are all evil killers (news item).
Seems to me the difference between man's laughter and manslaughter is narrowing!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
New threat to the green belt (news item). Better not try to encroach upon
it where I live, chum! (And you can take that as a threat from a black belt)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, October 29, 2017

the slower the breathing, the faster asleep...

********************************************

HE'S ONLY SLEEPING! -
("RIP Van Winkle," they'd all sighed -
but they were dead wrong)

********************************************






(17 Very Sillybles)

Saturday, October 28, 2017

an only child, always on the threshold of life...

***************************************

what would I like to
be when I grow up? - someone's
long-lost brother, please!...

***************************************






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 26, 2017

she knows how to cut me down to sighs...

***************************************

a broad smile from a
pretty woman can make one's
day - or make one weak!...(haha)

***************************************






('A broad's smile': 17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

bugger!

*******************************

hating everyone,
by definition, means you
also hate yourself...

*******************************






(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

********************************************************************

What's so wrong with ultra-skinny women (Mail)? Abs
make the heart grow fonder, as far as I'm concerned!...

********************************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 14)

Monday, October 23, 2017

dry humour...

************************************

if rain is liquid
sunshine, then it's fair to say
I'm dripping hot, mate...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 22, 2017

as I look around me...

*************************************

unemployment's the
lowest it's been for 10 years -
ditto common sense...

*************************************






(it's 42 years, to be honest, but you get the idea: 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 21, 2017

He who is full of beans...is probably a vegan.

***************************

God, I love vegans!
I'll shag anybody with
a pulse. And pulses...

***************************






(17 Syllables)
==================================================
UK unemployment has fallen to its lowest level since 1975.
I fear the same might be said of common sense...
==================================================

Friday, October 20, 2017

abdominal? phenominal!...

*******************************************

I love girls' ultra-
toned tummies, me. "Abs make the
heart grow fonder," right?...

*******************************************






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 19, 2017

words set in order are mental possessions...

***********************************

'to create' - it's so
much more pleasurable than
solely 'to acquire'...

***********************************






(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Or was it all just a pigment of my imagination: such a hue
and cry over Farrow & Ball paints! (news item). And the
lighter the hue, the louder the cry, apparently, haha...(true)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Chairman of the Word Association...

****************************************

My name's Mike. Like 'Bike',
but with an 'M'. Well, that's how
I remember it...

****************************************






(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

well, just the one, to be honest...

**************************************

My grandfather was
a man of few words. "Tom," he
said to me last night.

**************************************






(17 Syllables)

Monday, October 16, 2017

if women are from Venus, are men from Marsupials?...

***************************************

"Look! A kangaroo...
outside that Aussie nightclub!" -
"Yeah, it's a bouncer"...

***************************************






(17 Rather Sillybles)

Sunday, October 15, 2017

================================================

HURR-I-CANE: note the i of the storm - always in the centre...

================================================

Saturday, October 14, 2017

================================================

Poverty: when a single teabag becomes 'a bag for life'...

================================================

Friday, October 13, 2017

=========================================

Nervous rex: kings who fear being overthrown...

=========================================

Thursday, October 12, 2017

"we won't get out of bed(lam) for less," to misquote Linda Evangelista...

*******************************

Psychiatrists have
just asked for a sixty per
cent pay rise. Madness.

*******************************






('Linda Evangelista: more a model than a model patient': 17 Very Sillybles)

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Pound dollar exchange rate...

***************************************************************

When we heard the pound was down against
the dollar at 1.31, my wife and I were so depressed
we went to lunch at 1.32. Didn't get back till 5...

***************************************************************

Tuesday, October 10, 2017

3 letters published in the same issue! Must be some sort of record!...
============================================================
"If a week's a long time in politics, then a month must be a lifetime.
May, for instance, seems determined to go on for ever!"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"When it comes to anti-obesity drives (MoS), how about parents setting
their kids a good example by turning the daily school run into a daily
school, er, RUN!"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Kirstie Allsopp, your Real Kitchen recipes are great! I think you've
found your Vocation, Vocation, Vocation!"...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------




Vincent Hefter...
(aka Yvonne Hall (2) & Christina Schaffer (3), Mail on Sunday, September 10)

Monday, October 9, 2017

he conducted himself well, by all accounts - not to mention the orchestra...

***********************************

The Last Knight of the
Proms? Sir Roger Norrington,
two thousand and eight...

***********************************







(Tonight IS the last night, so it's topical, if nothing else...17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 8, 2017

Princess of Cambridge forced into early pregnancy confirmation...

******************************

hyperemesis
gravidarim [sic - and not
just in the mornings]

******************************






('He knows the baby's sex, apparently - but William tell?': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, October 7, 2017

not to mention all that cheese and chocolate!...

*************************************

my, time flies! - we're born,
we bloom, we pass...all in the
blink of a lifetime...

*************************************







("Next!": 17 Syllables)

Friday, October 6, 2017

like mother, like daughter - not so keen on dad!...

***********************************

Dad hates everything
I stand for. National Anthem
excepted, of course...

***********************************




...even he'll stand for that!




(17 Syllables)

Thursday, October 5, 2017

lust of the summer wine...

*******************************

Just as night follows
day, so I follow you. On
Facebook. Such is lust...

*******************************







(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

LGBT sandwich board protesters...

*****************************************

Gays hate BLT
sandwiches. They don't know why
they've been excluded...

*****************************************







(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, October 3, 2017

BBC 1 - ITV 3 (away win)...Channel 4 - BBC 2 (home win)...

**********************************

documentaries
on blotting paper should be
pretty absorbing...

**********************************






(17 Syllables)

Monday, October 2, 2017

trust coitus to interruptus...

**************************************

Bump! (At least Janet
and John had both managed to
come before their fall!)

**************************************






(17 Syllables)

Sunday, October 1, 2017

Pedigree Chum! - who says it's a dog's life?...

****************************************

Our Lassie thrives on
Chum - it sure does what it says
on the Rin Tin Tin...

****************************************







(17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 30, 2017

it does what it says on the tin...

*********************************************

go on a crash diet
and - quelle surprise! - you'll end up
looking like a wreck...

*********************************************






(17 Syllables)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now he's going vegan, will he call himself Lewis (No Ham)ilton?...
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, September 29, 2017

when 'deadpan humour' becomes 'bedpan humour'...

***********************************

it's a fact of life:
'on the wayout'patients soon
become inpatients...

***********************************





('When life's too serious to take seriously': 17 Syllables)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Oxford student too bright for jail? (Mail). Then why not
lock her up in one of her very own brain cells?...
------------------------------------------------------------------------
As a fast bowler, Ben Stokes usually has a bouncer up his
sleeve. Pity there wasn't one outside the Bristol nightclub,
if only to help save him from himself...
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 28, 2017

anything but Cancer...

********************************

reading the letter
again, I search for a sign -
please God it's Taurus...

********************************






("On their way out"patients who soon become inpatients': 17 Syllables)
===========================================================
It's National Poetry Day. This year's theme: 'Freedom'. Sponsored by the Trussed Bank.
===========================================================
You couldn't make it up! Well, that's not true, I just did. But it IS National 
Poetry Day, the theme IS 'Freedom' (and this IS my contribution).
(A Trussed Bank is where your money's all tied up, haha...)
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 27, 2017

*************************************************************

Surely the right-on department store (Mail)
should change its name to Janet & John Lewis?...

*************************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 6)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LABOUR: "FOR THE MANY, NOT THE FEW(TURE)," as far as I'm
concerned. Not that the Tories are much better at the moment. What a mess...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

***********************************************

World War 1 - World War 2 (away win)

***********************************************

Monday, September 25, 2017

unless the husband's a vegan, of course...

****************************************

wives as breadwinners?
great! (leave the bacon for your
hubby to bring home!)

****************************************






('Bringing home the bacon': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Daily Mail, top of page 13: American footballers won't stand for
National Anthem. Bottom of page 13: British pedants won't stand
for split infinitives. Cultural divide? What cultural divide, haha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A theist is a tea addict, apparently (Mail). Atheists, too, are
known to drink it religiously (not in the Mail)...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 24, 2017

**************************************************************

AGRAPHOBIA: a fear of going near the Taj Mahal...

**************************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 5)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
James Middleton's embarking on a new business, apparently. He's
calling it 'Wrip Wrap'. I wonder if he needs a salesman? I'd love to
be a Wrip Wrap wrep!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, September 23, 2017

dead jocular - not...

***************************************

he died laughing - 'mans
laughter,' they called it...but it
sure wasn't funny...

***************************************



(If laughter's the best medicine, how come he died?
Probably because it's also contagious, I guess)




('Murder most foul': 17 Syllables)

Friday, September 22, 2017

inhale & hearty, enjoy the party!...

***************************************

you're no rock & roll
band if you don't smoke rock &
roll banned substances...

***************************************






(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Only 1% of marmalade buyers are under 28, apparently (Mail).
Definitely a case of middle-age spread, I'd say...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, September 21, 2017

pissed as a pistol...

*********************************

"What's a shot glass, dad?" -
"It's Waterford crystal hit
by a pystal, son"...

*********************************







(17 Syllables)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The FA sacked Mark Sampson. "We didn't want Eni trouble," they said.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

warning: a tad risky (as in 'aster*sky')

************************************

if TH*S is a SH*T
anagram, then how come my
wife likes it so much?...

************************************






('Forgive the, ahem, colourful language': 17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
So the PM wants to forge a brighter and better future. Forge?
Why not give us the real thing, Theresa?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, September 19, 2017

assassination: the shot..the bullet in..the bullet out..the bulletin...

********************************

if  'amo' means 'I
love' in Latin, does 'ammo'
mean 'I love bullets'?...

********************************






(17 Syllables)

Monday, September 18, 2017

an ass and his assets...

*************************************

"words set in order
are mental possessions": these
seven, they're heaven...

*************************************






(17 Syllables)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
I'm told the PM tried to put the whole Boris business to bed
by giving him an almighty dressing gown. But he gave her
the slip - whose, I don't know. Sorry, did I say 'dressing gown'?
I meant 'dressing down'...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunday, September 17, 2017

could love be blossoming at a certain botanical gardens?...

*****************************************

"I like Kew," Janet
whispered. "I like you, too," John
replied, hopefully...

*****************************************







(17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 16, 2017

how accurate is that 'long arm of the law' of yours?...

*************************************

Moped muggers? Throw
the book at them! (One direct
hit, and they'll fall off)

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

Friday, September 15, 2017

when a muchacha-cha leads you a merry dance...

*********************************

looking for 'the right
one,' why did I end up with
a right one? again!...

*********************************






(17 Syllables)

Thursday, September 14, 2017

well, that explains that, then...

************************************

missing: one black and
white cat - doesn't answer to
the name of Tiddles...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

       
       
         there's more to love
              than just lusting after stick-thin models -
                      in fact, if the figure's fuller,
             there's more to love
      

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

I should have guessed...

*************************************

"You a dentist?" I
asked. "No, photographer!" he
snapped. And snapped. And...

*************************************







(17 Sillybles)

Monday, September 11, 2017

that Jong-un's a wrong 'un...

**********************************************************

Kim: I'll target U.S. base next (Mail).
Those Kardashians, they'll be the death of us...

**********************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, September 1)

Sunday, September 10, 2017

terminal...

************************************

perfunctory hugs.
"see you," she says. solitude,
a blessed relief...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

Saturday, September 9, 2017

not so terminal...

*********************************

alone at last...but
we had a blast! (a splendid
time should always rhyme)

*********************************






(17 Syllables)

Friday, September 8, 2017

*********************************************************************

My wife couldn't agree more with Liz Jones (MoS)
when it comes to an apt response to marriage proposals:
"if you're torn between a rock and a hard place, just
check out the size of the rock!" is how she puts it...

*********************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 27)

Thursday, September 7, 2017

Amsterdam cruises: they're 'hop on, hop off', not 'hop on, NOD off' - stay awake, dear...

******************************************

cannabis tea - it
sure helps you cope with all those
tulips and windmills...

******************************************






(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

3rd! - a vicarious & vaguely victorious sort of recognition...

**************************************************************************

My February 17 one-liner ("I've given up asking rhetorical
questions. What's the point?") has just been voted Edinburgh
Fringe 2017's 3rd funniest joke. Attributed to Alexei Sayle, the
thieving b*stard, haha...I also posted it here as a humorous
haiku on October 15, 2015. Oh, well, at least it's good to
know it's officially funny. Though I prefer the word 'witty'.

**************************************************************************

Tuesday, September 5, 2017

********************************************

Pushy parent Minesh Doshi: the dad
who put the 'us' into Child Genius...

********************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 23)

Monday, September 4, 2017

Big Ben out of commission for 4 years...

*************************************

A silent Big Ben?
Will 'Health & Safety' now get
the no bell Peace Prize?...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

Sunday, September 3, 2017

***************************************************

"I wish Wayne would put the bins
out," complains Coleen. - Isn't it enough
that your husband plays rubbish, Coleen?
Give the man a break!

***************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 20)

Saturday, September 2, 2017

haiku hiatus (hefter's harbouring a houseguest for a couple of weeks)

****************************************

greater love hath no
man than this, that he lay down
his pen for his guest...

****************************************








('A fortnight's furlough follows': 17 Syllables)

Friday, September 1, 2017

two-track minded...

**************************************

no, my boyfriend's not
just after one thing - he wants
me to feed him, too...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Heathrow, Terminal 5-7-5: a departure (from the usual frivolity)

************************************

the arrivals gate -
scanning the faces, the heart
beats faster. "that's her!"...

-------------------------------------
a holiday of a lifetime later...
-------------------------------------

...the departures gate,
a final embrace - and joy
soon turns to despair...

************************************




(17 Syllables x 2)

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

**************************************************************************

Mirren, Mirren, on the wall, who's the vainest of them all?...

**************************************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 17)

Tuesday, August 29, 2017

two week tea is exactly that: too weak!...

********************************

Jane likes her tea so
weak, a single teabag can
be a 'bag for life'...

********************************







(Poverty: when a single teabag becomes a 'bag for life': 17 Syllables)

Monday, August 28, 2017

*************************************************************************

INNdependent: not tied to a brewery...
INNvoice: the bar bill...
INNvite: fancy a pint?...
INNvidious: this pub's a dump...
INNventive: more cocktails than you can shake a stick at...
INNvariable: the beer's a bit watery at times...

*************************************************************************




(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 16)

Sunday, August 27, 2017

the officers may be in a Mess, but not their uniforms...

************************************

"Where do soldiers keep
all their battledresses?" - "In
a war drobe. Where else?"...

************************************






(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Bread, 30% off! (but the rest is edible)

***************************************

For Sale: Spelt Bred, two
pounds fifty. Misspelt Bred, one
pound seventy-five...

***************************************






(17 Syllables)

Friday, August 25, 2017

20km walk, World Championships, 2017...

********************************************

don't try winning the
race walk two years running - you'll
be disqualified...

********************************************







(17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 24, 2017

still alive! (in 5-7-5)

******************************

it's Cancer! - silly
me for assuming 'horror
scope' was a misprint...

******************************





(17 Not-So-Sillybles)

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

***********************************************************************

Our local police station happens to be one of the 40%
that have been shut down across the nation (MoS). It's
now a pizza restaurant. But they've gone out of their way
to maintain the police theme: their prices are criminal!

***********************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, August 13)

Tuesday, August 22, 2017

to be worn round the neck and neck?...

***************************

today's silkworm race
ended up in a tie - a
beautiful silk one...

***************************







(17 Syllables)

Monday, August 21, 2017

hey, who's counting?...

*******************************

"You rock!" I told Mick
Jagger a week ago. "No,"
he replied, "me Stone."

*******************************

Sunday, August 20, 2017

(puts his serious hat on)

**********************

a star is born...
then borne away.
stillborn.
still crying...

**********************

Saturday, August 19, 2017

no death sentence, however well-written...

**************************************

"Yes, my dog's old...but
she's like the book I'm reading -
I can't put her down"...

**************************************






(17 Syllables)

Friday, August 18, 2017

turning over a new leaf - to page 3?...

***********************************

far better for our
youth to turn to Page 3 than
to turn to violence...

***********************************







('The less bad option': 17 Syllables)

Thursday, August 17, 2017

so brief the grief (no longer alive - in 5-7-5)

****************************************

There are no words. Well,
just those four. Bloody hell, that
makes it fifteen now...

****************************************






(17 Inconsolable? Syllables)

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Mo Farah...

************************************

so good to cheer a
guy whose injections of pace
weren't intravenous!...

************************************






('Farah'nd away better than the rest': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 15, 2017

***************************************

ABBACUS: a Swedish calculator.

***************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 8)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now that Jimmy Anderson's had 'The Anderson End' named after him at Old
Trafford, let's hope Ian Bell doesn't have the same fate befall him at Edgbaston!...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, August 14, 2017

chemistry is key (and the key seemed to fit!)

**************************************

last night's date went like
clockwork - the bloody woman
kept winding me up!...

**************************************






(17 Sillybles. Very sillybles)

Sunday, August 13, 2017

a little cross (and where not to put it)

****************************

Labour get angry,
The Tories get cross...
I think I'll abstain
As I don't give a toss...

****************************




(Talking of lethargy, why does Mrs May insist on
running our country? She seems far better suited to
walking it. It IS a passion of hers, after all)

Saturday, August 12, 2017

I went to school once. Turns out once wasn't enough...

**********************************

I started school at
three! It was so bad, I went
home at half-past...

**********************************






(17 Syllables)

Friday, August 11, 2017

driving a bargain - beyond its sell-by date...

*****************************

when one door closes,
another opens - my car,
it drives me crazy!...

*****************************






(17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ben Johnson's done his time. It was 9.79. He won't do it again.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 10, 2017

"I'm a big Chelsea
fan" - "Really?" - "Yes, sixteen stone" -
"Wow, that's really big!"...

Wednesday, August 9, 2017

small consolation?...

*********************************

if folk can read you
like an open book, at least
you're not on the shelf!..

*********************************






(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

how the other half lives...

*************************************

Drive you off my land?
No, not me son. Sounds like a
job for my chauffeur...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

Monday, August 7, 2017

but they're beans, aren't they, dad?...

*******************************************

"Walkers Crisps? Is that
fast food, dad?" - "No, it's not, son.
That would be 'Runners"...

*******************************************







(17 Syllables)

Sunday, August 6, 2017

shed in the garden...

**********************************

a gramps without a
granny's like a nook without
a cranny - tears shed...

**********************************








(17 Syllables)

Saturday, August 5, 2017

a door should entrance you, haha - mine didn't...

***********************************

"Don't darken my door
again!" I told the painter -
"paint it white next time!"...

***********************************







(17 Syllables)

Friday, August 4, 2017

***********************************************

Glad to hear that the Comma butterfly
hasn't come to a complete full stop...

***********************************************




(saved from extinction, news item)




(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 2)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know why Mrs May insists on running our country -
I'm sure she'd be a lot happier walking it. It's what she does best...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, August 3, 2017

*******************************************************

It's true what they say: whilst many love
affairs end happily, others end in marriage...

*******************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, August 1)
----------------------------------------------------------------
Whilst many a love affair ends happily, most end in marriage...
----------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

a spinster wears her heart on her sleeve...

************************************

how come men can read
me like an open book - when
I'm still on the shelf?...

************************************







(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, August 1, 2017

***********************************************************

Angus Deayton claims his most embarrassing
moment was a stumble on some steps as he was
about to present the Baftas live (MoS). Really?
The joys of having a selective memory!...

***********************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 30)

Monday, July 31, 2017

**********************************************

If carnivores wear pork pie hats, do
vegetarians make do with beanies?...

**********************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 28)

Sunday, July 30, 2017

especially when cooked by an Irish stewdent?...

************************************

I love fusion food -
you can't beat a good steak &
kidney pie-ella!...

************************************








(17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 29, 2017

is there any other type?...

****************************************

That man's rich, handsome
and funny. "Wow! He sounds like
a perfect stranger!"...

****************************************






(17 Syllables)

Friday, July 28, 2017

OK, there's no need to spell it out...

******************************

if you and I have
a : do half-castes have
a ; ?

******************************







(17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 27, 2017

an only child in denial...

************************************

I'm the youngest of
three in our family - both my
parents are older...

************************************








(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

*******************************************************

Seeing all those pictures of Gary Lineker
sunning himself in exotic locations, I couldn't
help but wonder: if he were to burn himself
to a crisp, which flavour would he opt for?

*******************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 25)

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

who'd want to see a mynah inconvenienced?...

*************************************

years ago they sent
canaries down the mine - why
on earth not mynahs?...

*************************************







(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 24, 2017

when (broken) hearts are trumps...

*******************************

divorce: when love and
marriage go together like
a horse and soap dish...

*******************************






(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 23, 2017

it's my wedding - and I'm having a bawl!...

******************************

it's true that some love
affairs end happily - but
most end in marriage...

******************************







(17 Syllables)

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Coitus interruptus...

*****************************

I knew someone would
interruptus, but why is
it always Coitus?...

*****************************







("Can I come in?" - "er, NO!": 17 Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Victoria Beckham is as likely to have 'designed' that special edition
Range Rover (news item) as a milliner is to have designed the bonnet...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, July 21, 2017

************************************************************

Are the very fittest contortionists, by definition,
the ones who are most out of shape?...

************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 19)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marmite Clarkson: the very definition of middle-age spread...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday, July 20, 2017

lost childhood...

*************************************

I was young once. Well,
twice, to be honest - if you're
counting last Thursday...

*************************************







(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

the vegetarian option...

****************************************

carnivores can wear
pork pie hats - but vegans should
opt for the beanie...

****************************************






(17 Rather Syllables)
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why on earth is Love Island on ITV2? It seems far better suited to Channel 4nication...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

************************************************************************

Harry & Meghan, a modern royal romance (MoS): surely
there hasn't been a better match since Swan met Vesta?...

************************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 16)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Should Brexiteers still deign to eat Christmas dinner with their 'Remainer'
parents this year?" - "Why not? As long as they pass on the Brussels"...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Brewhaha: this tea tastes funny...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
They ought to give Sean Connery The Order of the Thistle. He's prickly enough...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Monday, July 17, 2017

**********************************************************************

Apparently, Kelly Brook thinks she and Monty Don
would make a good gardening combo (Mail). I can see it
all now: HIS and HERbaceous borders - with the emphasis
on hers, of course: the curvaceous herbaceous ones...

**********************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 14)

Sunday, July 16, 2017

***********************************************************

If Rebecca Adlington doesn't want to dive
into online dating (Mail), then maybe she
should forsake the swimming pool for the sea.
There are plenty more fish in the sea, Rebecca.
Well, more than in the swimming pool...

***********************************************************



(Name and address supplied (er, 'me'), Daily Mail, July 13)


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
A staircase that will literally put a spring in your step? (Mail).
How about calling it the Fred Astaircase? hahaha...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 15, 2017

**************************************************

A cart drawn by two horses will always
be cheaper than one drawn by Picasso...

**************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 13)

Friday, July 14, 2017

of course it does, pet - now go fetch the kids...

**************************************

if a good ref. goes
unnoticed, does that mean I'm
a good haikuist?...

**************************************







(17 Syllables)

Thursday, July 13, 2017

*********************************************************************************

A meal without Bisto is like Elizabeth Barrett without Browning...

*********************************************************************************


Came up with this years and years ago - recently reminded of it. Still like it (even if no-one else does!)

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

*********************************************************

Cutting-hedge technology: top-notch shears...

*********************************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 11)

Tuesday, July 11, 2017

art appreciation...

******************************************

My Picasso's gone
from nought to Pica$$000,000 - in
the blink of a nose!...

******************************************






(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 10, 2017

*****************************************************************

"Doctors get to the bottom of the perfect derriere"
(MoS). As far as I'm concerned, MY favourite
derriere is the London Derriere. I never tire of
listening to it. You probably know it as 'Danny Boy'...

*****************************************************************







(Yvonne Hall (aka 'me'), Mail on Sunday, July 9)

Sunday, July 9, 2017

*****************************************************************

Couldn't agree more with Mark Wareham's 4-star
review of Tape Face (Event magazine). Mime's great.
It goes without saying...

*****************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 9)

Saturday, July 8, 2017

goodness, gracious, great balls of - cheese?...

******************************

What on earth does a
teetotaller do for Dutch
courage? Eat Edam?...

******************************



(A drop of the hard stuff, you might say!)




(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, July 7, 2017

*************************************************************

Of course the public sector pay cap has to be
across the board. Except for those ON the board -
isn't that how it works?...

*************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 7)

Thursday, July 6, 2017

******************************************************************

Yoga can be very bad for your eyes, apparently (Mail).
Tell me about it! Seeing granny attempting the
Downward Dog has been VERY bad for mine!...

******************************************************************







(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 6)

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

***************************************

Level 41
were rubbish. Then they took it
to the next level...

***************************************






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, July 5)

Tuesday, July 4, 2017

cats prefer doggerel...

****************************

my cat looks at me
indulgently - he's not a
haiku sort of cat...

****************************







(17 Syllables)

Monday, July 3, 2017

make that "XXXLent"...

***************************

"I'm going on a diet,"
said my wife. 'XXLent
idea,' I muttered...

***************************







(17 Syllables)

Sunday, July 2, 2017

*************************************************************

Last week's article 'When Dad Doesn't Cut It'
certainly struck a chord. If you had asked my
kids about their dad post-divorce, they'd probably
have said "the farther the better, the better the
father". At the time, I'm pretty sure I chose to
interpret this as a case of 'absence making the
heart grow fonder'...

*************************************************************





(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, July 2)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I've been using edible flowers in the kitchen for years now.
Last week my girlfriend decided to take a leaf out of my book.
And proceeded to eat it. "Probably tastes as good as your
stupid flowers," she said...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Saturday, July 1, 2017

is an Abbacus a Swedish calculator?...

*********************************

An abacus will
never let you down. Ever! -
you can count on it...

*********************************







(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 30, 2017

******************************************************

'Milionares, lifes, tragedys?' - if the
placard-waving Day of Rage protesters
think this is class war (Daily Mail), I can only
assume they mean 'bottom of the class' war...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 26)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Our current PM's travails...

********************************************************

If a week's a long time in politics, just imagine
how long a month is! Except for May, of course.
I doubt May will last that long...

********************************************************


A week's a long time
in politics. Not all months
are: May won't last long!



(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

******************************************************

Hard not to relate to last week's article in
You magazine: 'No sex, please, we're married'.
How many other readers' marriages are just
like their brand new credit cards: contactless?
Join the club!...

******************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 25)

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

*******************************************************

"And here's the 51st fact you never knew about
ATMs (Mail): only a nutcase tries to withdraw
cashews from a hole-in-the-walnut"...

*******************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 23)

Monday, June 26, 2017

hey, can't you stay a shade...well, darker?...

*********************************

my tan behaves like
a call-girl: it comes quickly
- and leaves just as fast!...

*********************************








(17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 25, 2017

**********************************************************

WORDY WISE, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 22:
INNcognito: snug bar...
INNcur: landlord's dog...
INNcurious: a stranger walks into the bar...

**********************************************************


(Following on from  17/5/2017 and 3/6/2017. Why did the Daily Mail split them so weirdly?)

Saturday, June 24, 2017

caught! - it's just not cricket...

***********************************

the food in my bag
wasn't bought - if my case is
not dropped, then it's court...

***********************************









(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 23, 2017

should have been filmed by Zephyrelli......

*******************************************

I hear writing 'Gone
With The Wind' was a breeze  - from
the very first draft...

*******************************************








(17 Rather Sillybles)

Thursday, June 22, 2017

lack of a motion...

****************************************

"The living statue's
still there!" - "So what? It's his job
to be still. Somewhere."

****************************************









(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

******************************************************************

"More spiralised squash, palmyra jaggery or coconut
nectar crystals, anyone?"...rest assured, Amelia Freer,
I, for one, won't be calling upon your services any time
soon if that's what you recommend for a trimmer figure.
If anyone really wants to be shrunk this way,
I suggest they go see a shrink!

******************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Mail on Sunday, June 18)

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

masque-raid...

****************************************

'if no-one pulls it
off,' thought the masked robber, 'I
might just pull it off'...

****************************************









(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 19, 2017

sound radio - unsound mind?...

******************************

Radio 4: "the
following report contains
flash photography"...

******************************









(17 Syllables)

Sunday, June 18, 2017

the only thing I'm working out is how NOT to!...

*****************************

Skipping training's great!
(Cardiovascularly,
you just can't beat it!)

*****************************









('In the gym': 17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 17, 2017

something about nothing...

*****************************************

'nothing' backwards is
'gnihton' - which is weird, as that
means nothing, as well...

*****************************************









(17 Rather Sillybles)

Friday, June 16, 2017

*************************************************************

Can a photo of scantily-clad 1950s showgirls playing
chess be classified as pawnography? (Tory MP caught
taking a peek in House of Commons)

*************************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 16)

Thursday, June 15, 2017

************************************************

Wow! Times New Roman! Just my type...

************************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 15)

Wednesday, June 14, 2017

when a relationshit hits the fan...

************************************

if you have it in
for somebody, should you have
it out with them first?...

************************************









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, June 13, 2017

ever the optimist...

*****************************

most relationships
end in calamity - or,
even worse, marriage...

*****************************









(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 12, 2017

*********************************************

So Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law
is now doing porridge (Mail). I wonder
if Gordon's given him any tips?...

*********************************************









(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 12)

Sunday, June 11, 2017

eyes and teas...

*********************************

to cross your 't's and
dot your i's is really hard
when you cross your eyes...

*********************************









(17 Sillybles)

Saturday, June 10, 2017

and windfall apples, of course...

********************************************

to me, expensive
things aren't dear - what's dear to me
is free: air, love, speech...

********************************************









(17 Syllables)

Friday, June 9, 2017

*****************************************************

Britt Ekland apparently calls her dog David
Bowie (Mail). Myself, I would have gone with
David Bow-wow-ie...

*****************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 9)

Thursday, June 8, 2017

caravanning - what's not to love?...

*******************************

the home's tyred, the kids
are all in, and the driver?
- he's ready to go!...

*******************************









(17 Sillybles)
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So Gordon Ramsay's father-in-law is now doing porridge (news item).
I wonder if Gordon's given him any tips?...
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wednesday, June 7, 2017

******************************************************************************

"So what if TV weatherman Tomasz Schafernaker confuses summer
and winter (Mail)? He's only human - not an autumnaton!...

******************************************************************************








(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 6)

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

white (di)van man...

******************************

seems some folk on the
dole do have a job: a job
getting out of bed...

******************************








(17 Syllables)

Monday, June 5, 2017

********************************************************

"Drink World Cola and make your dreams come
true," proclaim the posters in Gambia. Well, I'm
still waiting. Just how many f****** bottles do
you have to drink!?...

********************************************************

Sunday, June 4, 2017

you have male...

******************************************

"My deer Rudolph"..."My
deer Prancer"...(sounds pretty much
like a hart to hart)

******************************************









(17 Syllables)

Saturday, June 3, 2017

******************************************************************************

Wordy Wise, Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, June 1 (continuing
the May 17 list, though why they split them, heaven only knows)
INNclination: leaning on the bar...
INNcoherent: it's the drink talking...
INNconsistent: always a great pint...OK, I think that's enough now.

******************************************************************************


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Donald Trump says he's open to re-negotiating entry to the Paris Accord.
When would that be, exactly? When the climate's right?...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Butter prices have soared by more than 53% (news item)...
Spread the word! (And the word's 'marge')
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thank you, British Airways, for separating me from my bags for such a
long time. But don't worry, I made do with the ones under my eyes I got
from sleeping on the airport floor...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's not exported food 'going off' Britain has to worry about. Imported
guns going off, that's the problem...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, June 2, 2017

Tiger Woods on DUI charge (news item)

********************************

Asleep at the wheel,
Tiger Woods? Still averse to
using your driver?...

********************************









(17 Syllables)

Thursday, June 1, 2017

putting food on the table...

****************************************

all things come to those
who wait - but who the hell wants
to be a waiter?...

****************************************










(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, May 31, 2017

enough to drive 'em barking mad?...

***********************************

a sheepdog's job is
not straightforward at all: far
too many ewe-turns...

***********************************









(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

the thrill of the chaste (1 & 2)

-------------------------------------

"You'll never guess how
prim my girlfriend is!"..."Just a
touch?"..."Not even that!"...

------------------------------------

those who are chaste so
often aren't - I talk, of course,
of my maiden aunt...

------------------------------------

(17 Syllables x 2)

Monday, May 29, 2017

tee-hee...

*********************************************

"I played golf with some
colleagues yesterday."..."Foursome?"...
"No, they wanted to"...

*********************************************








("Force 'em?" - "No, threesome": 17 Syllables)