Tuesday, January 31, 2017

the silver lining...

*****************************

Andy Murray's crashed
out of the Open! - can I
get in Scot-free now?...

*****************************










(17 Rather Sillybles)

Monday, January 30, 2017

*****************************************************************************

If Southern Rail's timetable is a work of fiction (Mail), it's pretty
badly edited. Far too many lines that just don't work that well...

****************************************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 27)

Sunday, January 29, 2017

*******************************************************************************

Turns out cockney rhyming slang's not so random after all: 'eat too
much burnt toast and you could end up brown bread'. Who knew?...

*******************************************************************************





(news item: the dangers of acrylamide)






(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 26)

Saturday, January 28, 2017

stupid knits...

******************************************

bat wing jumpers tend
to fly off the shelves - which makes
them quite hard to sell...

******************************************









(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 27, 2017

"peace and love, we're doves, man"...

******************************

my neighbour's birds have
taken over my dovecote -
'twas a bloodless coo...

******************************










(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 26, 2017

besom buddies...

**********************************

damn it! - whenever
I try for broom cupboard sex,
I get the brush-off...

**********************************










(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

keep it clean...

***********************************

broom cupboard sex: no
better place, surely, to sweep
someone off their feet?...

***********************************










(17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 24, 2017

no can do...

******************************

Can't even do what
one pelican? Then how to
do what toucan do?...

******************************











('Animal magic': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 23, 2017

sucker...

****************************

parting is such sweet
sorrow - if it involves a
fool and his money...

****************************










(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 22, 2017

putting your stamp on the tournament...

**********************************

why is it the ball
you address when it's a good
score you want to post?...

**********************************






(who knows, but make sure  the word 'bunker's not part of the address)







(17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 21, 2017

the fruits of your labour...

**********************************

If what you've bought from
the Apple store doesn't work,
you've bought a lemon...

**********************************










(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 20, 2017

*****************************************************************

No jokes today. The Foreign and Commonwealth Office
has advised against all non-essential laughter...

*****************************************************************







(Back in the UK from a crisis-torn Gambia)

Thursday, January 19, 2017

what a tart...

******************************************

my wife makes a mean
quiche - so mean, in fact, she won't
bother with the cheese...

******************************************










(17 Sillybles)

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

***************************************************

'Cookies disabled': of all the stupid phrases,
this one takes the biscuit...

***************************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 18)

Tuesday, January 17, 2017

waiting for a 36C...

***************************************

"Where do you stand when
it comes to boob enhancement?" -
"In the bust op queue"...

***************************************











('Plenty of room up top': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 16, 2017

to those whose family tree is an elder...

*********************************

trees are brought up well -
all the beech and birch I
know respect their elders...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 15, 2017

the family tree oil shampoo...

************************************

My wife has never
forgotten her roots. Gets them
seen to every month...

************************************












(17 Syllables)

Saturday, January 14, 2017

what, no oil?...

****************************************

cider vinegar
helps cut strokes ( a problem that
needed a dressing!)

****************************************











(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 13, 2017

I only wanted to know what my star sign's gemstone was...

***********************************

"a tall, dark stranger
will kill me?!" - no wonder it's
called a horrorscope...

***********************************












(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 12, 2017

you owe me one...

****************************

I never forget
a favour. Well, not if it
was one done by me...

****************************












(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 11, 2017

it's child's play, really...

******************************************

'Breaking up is hard
to do'? Balls! Paul's just smashed his
Lego to pieces...

******************************************












('Toy story': 17 Syllables)

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

I'm a past(a) master of portion control...

*********************************

if you look after
the penne, the lbs will look
after themselves, right?...

*********************************











(17 Syllables)

Monday, January 9, 2017

fast food shopping...

******************************

I tend to speed-shop
in supermarkets. My best?
30 aisles an hour...

******************************











(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 8, 2017

********************************************

Most people want to leave their mark
on the world. Sometimes it turns out
to be a stain...

********************************************

Saturday, January 7, 2017

7 letters, but...

*******************************

My wife made me laugh
at scrabble. But I wouldn't
allow it. Two words...

*******************************










(17 Syllables)

Friday, January 6, 2017

whisper it not abroad...

****************************************

I wouldn't say my
wife's daft. But there's nothing to
stop me writing it...

****************************************










(17 Syllables)

Thursday, January 5, 2017

a hair of the...dog?

*********************************

my cat licks me, I
hug it: who says cat owners
can't hold their licker?...

*********************************










(17 Syllables)

Wednesday, January 4, 2017

**************************************

How do I know Eton mess is
such a popular dessert? Because
I've never yet seen any Uneton
mess, that's why...

**************************************










(Vincent Hefter, Daily Mail, January 4)

Tuesday, January 3, 2017

sleeping on the ground rice...

***********************************

how do you sleep on
a bed of rice? - lay down your
head on the pilau...

***********************************











('Pilau talk': 17 Syllables)

Monday, January 2, 2017

or you could always shove an olive branch up her arse...

*******************************

Never go to bed
on an argument. Sleep on
the sofa, instead...

*******************************












(17 Syllables)

Sunday, January 1, 2017

'er indoors, she's no one-offspring...

**************************************

"My wife has a twin" -
"Can you tell them apart?" - "Yes,
her brother's quite bald"...

**************************************












(Start the year as you mean to go on: 17 Very Sillybles)